Sibling issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2011
Sibling issues
26
Fri, 08-12-2011 - 8:37am

Hi!

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Avatar for janx7
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2001
Sat, 08-13-2011 - 9:29am
Hi Kimber and welcome to the board! Congratulations on finding the Approach and reading the book and jumping right in and trying the techniques and seeing how they work and noting successes.

I sense that you're feeling a bit overwhelmed - hey, you've got three kids, you're homeschooling and it sounds like you're dealing with the normal spirited kid issues on top of it all (I had six kids at home when I remarried) -- I remember feeling like that too and I wasn't homeschooling! ( A little secret I'd like to share with you is that the reset isn't just for the kids - it's for you too! Don't be afraid to give everyone a reset including you - grab a fresh breath, a moment to reconnect and recenter and move to the next moment of greatness - You may have 10 resets to their 1).

Ok, lets, deal with one thing at a time here... your first issue, the toddler. I have a friend, Stephanie who is an expert with toddlers. Let me see if she'll drop by and share some thoughts with you. Would that be good? Her kids start school next week, so it may be a day or so before she can come by, but I'm sure I can get her to either drop by personally or at least send me an email with some notes for you.

The second issue: the older kids know that these things have gotten a rise from you in the past and relationship and energy connections continue between them. One of the things we shared with our kids is a story about power and connection. When we get angry with someone, we give them our power - do you want to give that to them? When you hit back or use bad words, then you are giving them your power. If you chose to say "I'm not going to fight with you" or "don't do that" Who has more integrity?

IDEA: Then we give the person who has the angry feelings some options on how they can work out those feelings. A punching bag or pillow, a book to write their feelings in, they can even write a letter to the person with the intent never to send the letter, but to rip it up and put it in the garbage eventually - it is to get the feelings out -not to keep them inside - or to talk to the person in a controlled environment taking turns so everyone has a voice and things don't get one sided and can be worked out amicably.

Generally our spirited kids are lacking social skills and we have to work hard at helping them develop them. They are behind - a couple of years. They don't know personal space generally. They may have a large personal space, and not like people invading that, but don't realize when they are invading someone else's including a siblings or a friend's. Maintaining friendships are hard for our kids too...

BTW, If you don't see what's happening? Reset everyone. No harm and the resets are short - nano-seconds basically and as soon as the rule-breaking has stopped, you're right back in the next moment of greatness.

I'll be back soon with help for issue #1

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2011
Sun, 08-14-2011 - 9:00am

Thank you so much for your reply!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2007
Sun, 08-14-2011 - 4:01pm
Just curious, at 8, could you do all of your recognizing at the end of the day with her? I know its kinda jumping ahead in the book a little, but maybe that would work better with her than immediate recognition?
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Avatar for janx7
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2001
Sun, 08-14-2011 - 7:03pm
about that reset early on in the post -- you're not gold-mining or digging for any answers or "whodunnits" it's just a "reset" and move on to the next moment. There's no negative energy attached at all. I was on the phone with a mom this afternoon and it was so fun to listen to her reset her daughter - yep, there was joy on her part too. She was able to give a clear reset, welcome her dd right back within a nano-second and be right back on track with more greatness and joy.

I understand your reluctance to "interrupt" and step on the eggshells. Feel free to save them up for the end of the day as has been suggested or leave a note for your dd. Post it's are great. One mom I know used to wait until her son was asleep and then would go in and tell him all about his greatness during the night. Amazingly, he would remember a lot of what she would say the next morning. Some parents text their kids (if your daughter is working on a computer and you send messages via email or text)... sometimes I know it's really difficult to fill the tank when it's hard to find "anything" that's going right. So look beyond the obvious. Find the twinkle in the eye -- even that bit of mischeviousness, that spark of creativity, the way the sun is shining on her hair or maybe it's just the quiet in the moment and how wonderful it is right now - your heart feels so full right now with all the great things that are going right now. What rules aren't being broken right now? Let's name them all! Then make it a game - Believe me I remember those moments - and there were days I could hardly find anything to create a moment of greatness on, however, even if it was one little twist towards a smile, we used that as an attribute of greatness in the moment. It often worked to get under our dd's radar. Hang in there... don't give up and when she comes back with I don't like you saying those kind of things, you can say, that's ok, you don't have to. I just want you to know that I love you and want you to know all about your greatness and that's not going to change... I just HAVE to tell you! If you'd rather I wait for a while, I can do that. I'll tell you after dinner. Ok?

Don't ever worry about rambling! Rambling is allowed! Welcome aboard!

 

Avatar for janx7
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2001
Mon, 08-15-2011 - 11:43am
Here's a quick note from one of my friends with a toddler:
"So, there is a certain amount of "clingyness" that you are going to get at this stage. I remember J being that way as well sometimes. The way I handled it was:
1. energize to the max when J was playing well independently;
2. while I was trying to cook dinner (or whatever the task was), I would set her up with an independent activity (helping me cook was always the best one), and then find another distracting activity for her when that one stopped working, and yet another when that one stopped working. This was exhausting, but there is no way around the exhaustion of a toddler! And
3. I worked very hard to not energize her negativity of trying to get my 100% attention. I did not give her any negative attention regarding her screaming. I simply would bring her over to another activity and get her set up and nice and distracted!"

I know that it's not going to easy -- and there will be times you'll feel extremely overwhelmed and/or frustrated. That's when you take the reset and a deep breath and recenter. If possible, make sure that you do get some "mommy time" at some point during the day -- whether it's early morning, during nap/quiet time or in the evening. Make sure that you and your hubby have a regular date night. Don't skimp on those. They don't have to be fancy or expensive, but make sure you do take the time to incorporate them into your schedule. Nurture each other's hearts regularly. Let the kids see that happening too. AND don't forget to nurture yourself -- when you see yourself handling a situation that's been tough, give yourself a pat on the back. Recognize yourself with one of those nurturing thoughts. Do it out loud! It feels pretty darn good to hear it being said. Recognize your own greatness on occasion. You work hard too. for example: "Hey, Mom, you made a great choice just then. I love your integrity and self-control of choosing not to yell, hitting, lecturing, or stomping out of the room when you felt angry and frustrated when the kids were acting out just then. You held those very powerful emotions in check. You gave the simple verbal reset and turned around and walked out! You are worthy of your greatness! Take a deep breath. Stand tall.'' I'll bet that you'll be seeing your kids smiling and maybe even a few giggles if not them trying to do the same thing on themselves in the future -- after they handle a future situation in the same manner. And the more practice the better you'll all get. And pretty soon, your youngest will even be giving her own timeouts to herself and acknowledging time in again. Inner wealth works that way -- once it's established deeply enough.

Hang in there... Keep going and don't dwell on what's not going right, but begin to see what's going well. Let us celebrate those moments with you.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2011
Mon, 08-15-2011 - 1:39pm

Ok, I've got some ideas to work with... I'll be trying them out in the next few days. Thanks so much for all your encouragement!!

I did have a moment today when dd8 was yelling "No, I'm not!" when I was trying to give her some recognition, and for some reason I started "yelling" more and more positive recognition, including really silly things, until we both ended up bursting into giggles.

Avatar for janx7
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2001
Mon, 08-15-2011 - 1:46pm
Go you for sticking to it and "Notching it up!" You were relentless and fearless! And letting go of your inhibitions and look what happened -- she was actually soaking it all in -- every single word! And I'll bet she didn't even notice the reset, it wasn't even energized on, was it? You skimmed right over it into the next moment of greatness! GO YOU! You've got it!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2010
Tue, 08-16-2011 - 9:13am

Yo Kimber, what's up gurlfrand???

Ok, this is a quick pop in to tell you how much I deeply admire your ability to be the CEO of your home.

Avatar for janx7
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2001
Tue, 08-16-2011 - 9:21am
Thanks Stephie for dropping in. Kimber, I'd like you to meet Steph - she's a resident expert on toddlers, a NH specialist. She won't steer you wrong!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2010
Tue, 08-16-2011 - 4:16pm

Ok, back for a few more minutes.

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