Puullleaze tell me I am not alone with

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Puullleaze tell me I am not alone with
6
Sun, 05-11-2003 - 9:45am
this. My seven year old Victoria is such a little smart mouth!! When she gets mad things like "I hate you" and "I wish I were dead because no one loves me" comes flying out of her mouth!! Also if she is mad and I tell her to go to her room she will shout out "NO"!! This is driving me crazy!

Her father and I aren't together and I was two seconds the other day from calling him and telling him to come get her that I couldn't take it anymore! Then I feel bad for losing it so bad when she starts her screaming tantrums, I am the parent but I really feel I have no control over her.

When she is away from home she is GREAT, I get compliments on her manners all the time, and she never gets in trouble at school! She is basically a really good loving caring child with a terrible smart mouth!!

Does anyone have any advice or suggestions for discipline?? I am at my wits end with her!! TIA ~Christina

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Sun, 05-11-2003 - 12:58pm
Wow Christina,

From now on let her know that this garbage coming out of her mouth won't be tolerated. I would say firmly and directly," I love you but you are NOT going to speak to me in this way. I don't ever want to hear it again or else..."punishment of some kind. Be very firm but let her know in NO uncertain terms that she has said these things for the last time. I would make the punishment very severe such as no TV, going to bed early for a week, spending a lot of time in time out to think about what she has said,or no friends over for so many days. Do not give in and let her out of her punishment because you feel sorry for her or you think she has learned her lesson. Make her know that you mean business.

This is not a problem that we deal with as my kids know that there is no way on this earth it would every fly in this household. We got the point across when our kids were very young that NO was not a word that was ever to be heard when they were told to do something and HATE was totally forbidden when talking about anyone. Now they stomp and whine and mutter under their breath but they do what they are told and not one of my kids would ever tell me I hate you. As far as her claiming no one loves her, that is just her way of manipulating you and trying to make you feel guilty. Don't fall for it. It takes a few harsh punishments and consistency and you will probably have this problem licked in no time.


This is just my opinion. I hope you get some relief as this would be a very frustrating thing to deal with.


Karla,Sarah,Abby

Community Leader
Registered: 05-26-2004
Sun, 05-11-2003 - 1:19pm
Christina, you must address this behavior VERY firmly the next time it happens. It is a lack of respect for you. She is pulling your chain with the "nobody loves me" garbage. She wants you to do what SHE wants, not the other way around. She is the one in control when you do nothing about her behavior. If she is only seven and in control, what will she be like when she is 17?

I have four children. I dealt swiftly and firmly with that behavior as soon as it started in any of my children. I have NEVER allowed my children to slam doors. I make them walk back into the other room and quietly and mannerly try again and again and again until it is done properly. Then, I discipline that behavior with various punishments (according to age and severity of the situation). Doing chores, sitting in a corner in time out, no TV, going to bed early, no toys for a period of time, no friends over for a period of time are just some examples of my discipline.

When they start that "I hate you" stuff, tell them that is NEVER allowed in any situation and under any circumstance in YOUR house with YOUR rules. NEVER argue with your kids or give in to their demands when this type of behavior is happening. I know you feel bad when they say "nobody loves me". Say "I love you and will always love you, but you WILL do as you are told."

You will not have that behavior any more if you nip it in the bud immediately and CONSISTENTLY the next time it happens. Do it now, while she is young or you won't be able to stop it later.

I have two very strong willed children (I tell my husband they are like him) and two that never really seem to try me. I am extremely consistent with my discipline. It does work (Not that my children are angels, it's just that I have control of them).

Konnie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 05-12-2003 - 1:06pm
***hugs***

I'm not there myself - my daughter is 4 - but I can tell you that I have heard that this type of behaviour is normal. From my very limited understanding, I think it's your daughter striking out for independance, expressing emotions that she's unsure of...and just growing up.

But like I said, ****hugs****

Corinna

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Sat, 05-24-2003 - 9:44am
Take a deep breath and count to 10. Your daughter is reacting this way around you because it is a safe environment. She knows you won't reject her no matter how she acts. AS opposed to school or somebody's home where she feels a little less "safe". That being said she has to learn how to channel her anger appropriately. I took a parenting course at a local library, and it helped me alot. I sort of equate it to obidiance training for dog owners. It's really YOU who gets trained. Here are some things to try.

1) Use WHEN/THEN statements. For example: "When you clean up your room then you can watch tv" This keeps you from saying NO. The choice is hers. Just keep repeating the statement over and over. "WHEN you clean up your room, THEN you can watch TV" It harder for her to argue if you are not saying NO.

2) If you two come into a yelling match, stop yourself. Tell her that you are to upset to discuss it right now. You need to calm down for a minute, then you will talk. You can also tell her that SHE is too upset right now. Ask her to go someplace quiet, and come to you when SHE is calmed down. Then you will be happy to talk to her.

3) Give her "controlled choices" for example. "Would you like carrots or peas with your supper?" "You can wear the red dress or the green one". This makes the kids think they are having a say in things. You just need to set up the two things they choose between. I know a friend who goes to the store and buys 3 pairs of shoes. She brings them home and lets her daughter choose which two pairs she wants. Then the third pair goes back to the store. It saves alot of grief and arguement at the shoe store this way.

4) Remember YOU are in charge here! You need to show her how to appropriately handle her emotions. She is still learning all of this.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 9:15pm
Well, I don't have advice...but I have a daughter very similar to that, and she is only four. I am also divorced, but her dad lives in another state. Her behavior gets worse when she is getting ready to go see him. She is going in a week to stay for 5 weeks...so she is giving me some trouble. I know it is part of the comfort thing, and trying to take control of her life. I have had to call my mother to take her before because I couldn't handle it anymore!

I just wanted you to know that you are not the only one...I wonder if it has something to do with being single moms to a strong-willed child? Sometimes I feel guilty and find myself giving in to her too often...then she tries to get her way more...??? Well, good luck, and if you find something that works, share it with me!!

HUGS

Amy, momma to Samantha (10/7/98)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 3:40pm
Thanks Amy, it's good to know that I am not the only one in this boat!! I do believe that it has something to do with being single and having a strong willed child!! Even though I am married right now, my husband (Victoria's stepfather) is deployed and been gone for almost a year now and she didn't act like this when he was here. He comes home in Sept and I am hoping I can get her back on track! I had also been giving her a lot of responsibility and now I have taken some off her so I am wondering if she was under to much stress from everything I had thrown at her! Good Luck and if you come up with anything that works let me know!!! ~Christina