unhealthy relationship - help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
unhealthy relationship - help!
10
Wed, 07-27-2011 - 1:11pm

my dd 17

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2007
Wed, 07-27-2011 - 2:03pm
First off - hang in there!!

My DD19 did this too when she was 17. She pulled every card in the book on us. But here is a little background so you can understand.

DH and I were married two months ago. So DD19 is SD19. BM is still in the picture, but she is only allowed supervised visitation for two hours a week. It's been this way for 8+ years and it's inconsistant. Once DD19 turned 18, BM thought DD19 would come and live with her, but DD19 decided to stay with Dad and DD19 still doesn't see her Mom much. DD19 is DH's adoptive daughter. DH met BM when DD19 was 6 months old and he is the only Dad she has ever known. Bm will not tell her who her Dad is. DD19 found this out when GBM slipped and she brough it out in the middle of her trouble when she was 17.
DD19 was sneaking out of the house to see a 23 year old man. Yup talk about a creep!! She tried to tell us nothing happened and then we found BC in her bathroom.
DH decided to put her on proper BC right away and then he told her no contact with this guy at all none. We took her cell phone and restricted the home line. We basically babysat her 24/7. We dropped her off at school and picked her up. She wasn't left home alone. She wasn't allowed on the computer. We pulled the TV out of her room. If she wanted to go to the store, we took her and we stayed with her. Oh my did she hate us for a while!!! BM even took her side and told DH that he was being too hard. It was absolute craziness. Two months later, she was still begging to see him. GBM wanted DH to send her to family in another state (this is what she did with BM when BM was being terrible-didn't help) Life felt like we were everywhere and nowhere all at once. DH hadn't even proposed yet and DD19 told DH that she hated me and if he married me that she would go live with BM. It was all bark and no bite and we continue on and dated like normal (just made sure we had a baby sitter - yup for a 17 year old we had a baby sitter - someone old enough to handle what was up). DD19 was allowed to visit the neighbors and they called us after and told us that she had suicidal thoughts. We were so distressed. DH didn't sleep for months.

I know it sounds totally insane, but we made it through it. We are now married. DD19 isn't a perfect kid, but she's got her head on a bit straighter and if we ever bring up the creep, she says "that was a long time ago and that won't happen again - it's embarrassing". I remind her that it was only 2 years ago and trust takes time. That we are doing so much better so let's keep it up. And I keep telling her that we did it all because we love her! She doesn't totally get that yet, but she's glad she's not with some guy that makes minimum wage and living on her own already. She realizes that home isn't such a horrible place.

I don't remember exactly, but DD19 didn't get her phone back for almost three months - we checked the texts and calls for almost a year after and we still look occasionally. She was allowed back on the computer with one of us sitting with her after about two or three months too and now she has her own laptop that we don't police. We talk about it though. She has the life of a typical teenager again. I can't say that we fully trust her yet. She still has a tendency to want to hide things. And they are the silliest things. Not worth the dis trust she causes at all. Like if she bought a new pair of jeans. So while we do keep an eye on her, we don't babysit anymore.

I don't know if this is any help or if this is right for your daughter. You'll know. Trust yourself. We tell our DD that if she wants a guy in her life we are ok with that, but that means that he needs to be a part of our lives too. She doesn't get it, but it's what it is, so maybe have pizza at your house a nd invite the boy. but that is the most I would do. Take it or leave it kind of deal. She will get mad, but she still has choices. Remind her that she is the one that mentioned suicide and you love her too much to allow anything to happen to her.

I know I probably sound like a total hard nose, but tough love is just that tough and we are talking about a young womans life here. She could be crying wolf, but we just don't know. Ours was - and we are so relieved!!! I know some people will totally disagree with DH and I, but we will stand by out decision 100%!!! We keep DD19 focused on the future and what is out there for her. She's getting excited about college and maybe playing volleyball.

Hang in there and know that you are not alone!!! Hugs to you!!!
KRISTIE
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Wed, 07-27-2011 - 3:22pm

h my gosh...

thank you thank you thank you!!

and also.. my heart goes out to YOU... boy what YOU have been through,, and she is you SD???

Bless YOU..

We are treating my dd just like yours.she is not allowed anywhere alone... cannot stay in the house alone.. etc..

I like your idea of giving her what seems to be choices.

She says HE does not want to come to our house.. but again.. that is a choice.

We will let them go for Pizza alone next week to the Pizza place.. as it is a public place.. and then home.

I like your idea of HIM having to deal with us as my DH will not stand for disrespect.

she wanted to meet him on the corner and we said NO... he must come to the door - to get her.. we just won't be near the door... but he must get her at the door.

I got her on BC right after as i do not want any accidents... I told her I DID not want another kid.. MINE or HERS>

I guess i just want to know "this too shall pass"""

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2007
Wed, 07-27-2011 - 5:08pm
DD19 didn't want to go to a counselor either. DH told her straight up. We've not communicating and you won't hear me, so maybe you will hear the counselor. DD19 has learned to be manipulative from BM and I'm getting to the point where I totally don't accept it. This all takes time and we do come out of it. I can't say that two years later that we are totally out of it, but we do have some more peace now. And don't forget that DD has to earn trust back. She will fuss through all of it, but it's worth it. DD19 will ask "why does Dad say that". Sometimes I just tell her straight up and other times I say "do you really want me to tell you". Cracks me up.

And you are more than welcome. Stick to your guns!! When you are having a bad day, come and vent to us!! It's what we are here for!!!
KRISTIE
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Fri, 07-29-2011 - 11:21am

thank you so much...

Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
Fri, 07-29-2011 - 12:24pm

So sorry that this has taken me so long to get back to you, but I have been going through a lot lately and didn't have the time to write a thoughtful message to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2007
Fri, 07-29-2011 - 12:24pm
XXX Hugs to you! I hope you have a great weekend!!
KRISTIE
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2002
Fri, 07-29-2011 - 5:58pm

I don't have any adive to give as my DD is only 11.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2003
Mon, 08-01-2011 - 9:13am

thank you for the post..

I do agree with you..

i am so walking on a fence between people who tell me i am too strict.. vs not being strick enough??

when they do go for pizza they walk.. it is 4 blocks away in a "strip mall" (bunch of stores in a line)

very very popluated area... and they walk there and back.. of course no cars...

i am thrilled my dd does not have a license.. and i don't know if he got his yet.. but my dd knows the answer would be no.

His killing himself antics were last summer.. (my dd says he does not bring that up anymore - but i don't know)

I just still have not seen anything i like about this boy.. and i am trying to work with her counsler to understand this all better..

the counsler thinks i may need to start "letting go" and trusting her more since she just turned 17...

my other problem.. he lives right around the block.. literally..

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Mon, 08-01-2011 - 10:46am

I'm so glad you're getting some great advice here. I'm like Mott in that I don't have to worry about dating just yet but I know it's going to be a challenge when we get there!

She is too close to being 18 IMHO, you have to tread carefully now. My brother is still trying to make amends with his 19DD who moved out at 18 because he said 'no' to her jerk of a boyfriend. I like the idea of letting them date a little but a chaperone would be nice ;-) I don't like that he keeps telling her how awful you are though!

I hope you'll come here often and let us know how things are going. I'm sure having been through so much already, you can offer some of us some help with other problems.

Sending lots of hugs!


Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
Tue, 08-02-2011 - 12:34pm

Trust me I do understand about being a mean mom!