Sleepover privileges for my 15 y/o and her bf?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2014
Sleepover privileges for my 15 y/o and her bf?
34
Sun, 07-13-2014 - 2:36am

Not sure how to start this. Basically we need advice about our 15 year old daughter, and when it's appropriate to let her boyfriend sleep over, and how much freedom we should give them. And if we can go on another short trip and leave them alone.

For background, they have been having sex for some time, but we are okay with it. They've been together for more than 8 months, and it's serious. Her boyfriend who is 17 is a great guy, he treats her like a princess, and we like him a lot.

Their relationship was very emotionally intense from the beginning, they were inseparable and obsessed with each other. So eventually we realized sex was probably inevitable. It was hard to absorb at first but we are okay with it. We put her on the pill a couple years ago for cramps, and never took her off it. They don't use condoms, which she admitted to me, but she takes her pill religiously and makes a point of it. In general we feel they're being safe, and we know they will do it, and we feel safer if she's at home.

So in early June we decided to go on a weekend trip and leave her home, and we allowed him to stay over. We are considering doing this one or two more times this summer, but we wonder if we're giving them too much freedom.

For the record the chance of them having a party is very slim. He doesn't use drugs or smoke or even drink, which my daughter asked him when they were just friends, because she's not interested in them either. We are enormously grateful for that. And we trust her with him. It seems rare to find a 17 year old guy who's not interested in drinking, but frankly he seems more interested in her than anything else.

When we did this in June, it went fine. When we got back, they had done all the chores we asked, the house was so clean, they both seemed grateful. My daughter was beaming for days. I know she wants us to do it again and I sense her getting antsy about it although she's too shy to ask. What's confusing is that we want to, but we always thought we would be more protective of her than this.

We also have a feeling that if this becomes a thing, when the school year starts she will want more sleepovers. And what happens if we go down that road? He already spends a lot of time at our house, if he stays overnight regularly I don't know if that's appropriate.

Are we being smart about this? Should we let them have a couple more weekends this summer? I also wonder if this is something we should keep private from family or friends, or if there's no shame in it. It's hard to see this from the outside.

Sorry for the long post. It's a little overwhelming because they're already planning their future, like going to the same college together (his idea). We want to support their relationship, that's honestly our instinct, but are we being good parents too?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Kimmy I think you have a unique situation there where everyone works as a team for the benefit of the entire family.  If you remember Bunnierose who used to post here also had a DD who married right out of high school and the parents decided that they would pay for her college anyway and then when the couple had a baby, they were living at home again.  I know that after DD graduated from college and moved home until she got a job I was not giving her cash but then again, she had free room & board and grandma had given her a free car so she didn't have too many expenses.  Now that she has the fancy job, she has the new car, apartment and all the expenses to go with it.  But of course supporting your kids financially is not going to be forever--eventually they will graduate and hopefully the lawyer job market is better where you are than where I am--but of course they can open their own office.  And maybe when they are making the big bucks they can just buy a bigger family home because it sounds like at least the 2 couples are going to be stuck together forever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Wed, 07-16-2014 - 1:18am

Though not phrased this way, Sabrtooth is correct about Butch’s dad’s connections having smoothed the path for the couples and reduced the stress factor for all of us. 

Around here, most mall jobs, movie jobs, fast food jobs, pay $8 give or take. That is the reason that our kids pushed lawn mowers because it paid $13, give or take and few if any places will hire 14, 15, and even 16 year olds.

According to what other mothers have told me, some mall stores like the Gap pay $10 or $11 for image reasons. Likewise with Costco cart wranglers and a new burger chain to our region, In N Out.  Most of these, if not all, require the employee to be 18.

In college, I worked wait staff at places like Chili’s, Applebee’s, and Outback because with tips they paid 2 or 3 times minimum wage.  Greed is good.  LOL

Those flunky jobs were all about professional image. They were paid to be in suits and ties, well groomed, with good manners, well spoken, willing to fit in without being noticeable, do as told, be flexible, show up every time on time, etcetera.  Those flunky positions augmented a small staff or full time service personnel who supervised the flunkies. Some days are busier than others and need more service personnel on site. By having escorts to take people to the correct office, people are kept from wondering around the halls disturbing those working, kept the higher paid working rather than wasting time coming down to bring a client up to their office or the conference room, prepped those coming for depositions by pointing out the restrooms in route, cleared, cleaned, and set up the room for the next deposition or meeting, etcetera.  With employer taxes and health insurance that $12.50 flunky probably costs $20, but keeps the higher paid staff running a billable hour meter with interruptions and settling in time of visitors minimized.   

Butch’s dad explained to them the fact that from DAY ONE you are being interviewed and evaluated by every other employee, associate, partner, client, opposing attorney, visitor, etcetera, that you will come in contact with and you want their goodwill—it’s called networking. Every person you come into contact can help or hurt you in life.  Those with hiring votes see every detail, both good and bad.  When you start applying for full time employment, here and at other firms, those making the hiring decisions will call upon associates and partners here that they know and ask them about you.  Are you an easy baby or a tar baby to be avoided?

All four have bachelor’s degrees in Accounting, which is a marketable skill in the grunt work of taxation, tax planning, estate planning, mergers and acquisitions, corporate litigation, etcetera.  They are billed out to clients at a higher rate than $15 per hour.  (Many of their classmates who spent the fifth year at the university, instead of going to law school, got jobs with accounting firms starting upwards from $50,000 per year plus benefits. So $15 per hour isn’t that out of line) 

This paragraph and the next few set up and explain why they get paid $15.  A lesson they learned in mowing 101 was the difference between “taxable employee earnings” and “taxable self-employed earnings.” Employees and the employer both pay 7.65% of wages for Social Security and Medicare taxes for a total of 15.3%; whereas the self-employed person pays the entire 15.3% for Social security and Medicare Taxes. Our mowers paid 15.3% of all mowing earnings to the IRS.

(As a side point, the 2.9% Medicare portion has no earnings cap, but the 12.4% Social Security portion does and many in congress want that cap removed, which would be a 12.4% tax increase on the evil rich who already pay up to near 40% in federal income tax on earnings plus another 10% plus in state income tax in many states.  Eat the rich!!!!  They taste GREAT!)

Thelma and Louise were not above tax evasion, but Butch’s dad saw things differently as those weekly or monthly checks with “for lawn care” noted on them often come back to bite people when the IRS audits one of those customers and then comes looking for those 1099’s and tax payments from the mowers.  Then the evil IRS wants taxes PLUS penalties and interest. (It was this issue that earned our daughters the humorous and well-deserved nicknames, Thelma and Louise.   LOL)

The wife of one of the lead partners was issuing checks to her maid and not collecting or paying taxes and not issuing a 1099 or W-2.  I believe this lack of payment of these taxes is termed the “underground economy” by the IRS and congress.  During an audit the IRS picked up on it.  $15 Butch was dispatched to correct the situation with fillings, payments of back taxes with interest and penalties.  He was also dispatched to help the maid with amended tax filings and the partner paid the maid’s unpaid taxes and penalties also.  She also got nailed with back taxes and penalties on other cleaning jobs and those other “employers” got nailed also by the IRS.     

It’s not the money, but the hassle factor of filling forms that is the reason for this.  Several of Clinton’s and Obama’s cabinet appointments have had this issue come up during vetting. (Bush’s appointments probably paid with under the table cash.)    $15 paralegals are now doing these pesky little W-2 and 1099 filings for the partners and associates on these insignificant issues.  And they have on occasion been dispatched to help a client or client’s family member with this type of problem.  Much of this type of cleaning up is never billed out because it builds goodwill and client appreciation when done without charge. It’s like the dealership that rotates your tires without charge or gives you a loaner car while servicing your car or pick-up and delivery service.

When directed to, they help facilitate small charities incorporate, get tax free status, operate within the tax law, etcetera, as a service to the community organizations.  It builds goodwill. 

They also can scan large volumes of financial documents looking for anomalies that should not be overlooked, but examined in detail.  They can be assigned to research the case law and regulations.

Also, the clients often have a feeling and resentment when they are having a billable hours meter ran on them, so it builds goodwill when they are being billed $60 per hour for menial tasks within the skill set of a paralegal—they know when they are being milked.  With employer taxes, health insurance, office space, etcetera that $15 part time paralegal probably costs $25 per hour to have around.   Some of those full time paralegals knock down $30 plus per hour because they are extremely capable and allow the associate or partner to accomplish more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009

Musiclover, it’s good to hear that things are well with our kindred sister Bunnyrose and hers. 

We all do what we can for our kids.   

You’re correct about the job market—40,000 plus new lawyers each year with 23,000 job openings.  Therein, is the reason that Butch’s dad put the lean on them to get the accounting degrees first, instead of running up to Siberia (Michigan) to law school with only 60 units of college credit.  Those last two years of college also strengthened their academic skills. 

Last summer on vacation the couples were asking how long they could live with us and get a bigger house.   Hubby said, “Kimmy and I love it when you kids talk dirty like that.”  LOL   And all of us together forever makes me think of some country and western song a few years ago with the line that said, “. . .You ain’t Sue Ellen, I ain’t JR, and this ain’t Dallas . . . .”   But like hubby told them, they will make those decisions later on. 

With my usual odd humor, when they do get a bigger house, I hope they’ll let hubby and me shack-up in a bedroom or out in the garage.  LOL

Thinking about it, there is some merit to what Sabrtooth said about what I would term the “stress protection factor” of the three sets of parents in this situation.   

I remember the mother whose daughter came up in a family way a few months after our first grandson was born.  Daughter was a single child, and they are fairly well off it appeared.  Part of what I told her was, your daughter, grandchild, and the daddy need some financial help NOW more than they will need that money when you two are gone and quoted the words of a country and western song, “cause we’re only here for a little while.” 

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 07-21-2014 - 12:48pm

Emily, late to the party but wanted to quickly chime in.

Although I would not be comfortable with your situation so far regarding letting a BF stay over, I do not judge you for it and I really do think it depends on the kids.  I hate getting caught up in ages when the maturity level is what is important.  BUT I do know the laws are the laws, right or wrong, it was wise to look into that.

Putting the details aside, I think what has happened is you allowed your DD to do something once, and now you are thinking "Shoot, well....that went good but now my DD wants to do it all the time and I don't think that is such a good idea.  Ugh, what do I do?  Do I allow it because it went well the first time, or do I squash this now....she has 3 more years at home, eek!"

This doesn't have anything to do with sex between teenagers, this is about allowing your DD to do something and now questioning whether it should be allowed again given the fact she is still young and has a few years left at home.  

With that said, I think that if you have ANY doubt about letting this continue through high school, then you need to squash it now.  Because whether it is him, or another boy, she will keep asking and you will hear "you let me over the summer, why not now?"  

Good luck!!  

Serenity

Serenity

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