not sure how to handle things anymore
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|Wed, 12-29-2004 - 12:14pm|
I'm 27, married 6 years and have a daughter who will turn 3 in february. i work full-time, and until recently was going to school part-time. my daughter can be the sweetest thing on earth, but lately it's like i don't know what the heck has happened to her. during my last semester i was a bit more leniet (let her fall asleep in the living room, etc) because i needed all the studying time i could get. my husband has been working the night shift this last semester so that was a big challenge. he will be back on the day shift after tonight (thank goodness!). i started to notice as i became stressed with school my patience was very short. i yelled more. overall became a mother even i wouldn't want to be around. since i had little extra time i rarely worked out to help me destress and not to mention lose the 30lbs i still have from the pregnancy. so school ended 2 weeks ago and i felt great. i was more patient, able to talk to her through temper tantrums..and overall she was doing very well.
my mom is now visiting and it seems to have stressed me out some. mainly because my mother is a very negative person and disciplines that way. if i discipline my daughter (i always try to talk to her nicely and don't raise my voice unless she refuses to listen), my mom will come right behind me and repeat what i've told my daughter in a more stern tone. after a day of this on monday i was aggravated. my daughter typically goes to bed at 9pm (i've tried an earlier time and it won't work she just keeps getting out). by 10pm (while i was taking a bubble bath) she got out of bed. i told her to lay in my bed and she fell asleep. tuesday morning was like hell! it was a battle to put her clothes on. she wouldn't let me fix her hair. she was flat out being mean to me. i told her so and put her in her room to calm down. i finished getting ready and went to get her to leave and she was whining about this and that. since it was already late i told her to get what she wanted to bring to daycare and get in the car. as i was pulling out she was screaming for her blanket. i told her sorry, it's time to leave. the whole 10 minute ride to daycare she was whining and yelling. i was already furious at this point and new i would breakdown any minute. and i did. i stopped the car and yelled at her. she wouldn't stop whining about everything under the moon so i turned her music up so i couldn't hear it (ok..so now i sound like the drug addict mother in desperate housewives). i dropped her off and then cried the whole way to work. the whole day i felt like crap. how can she get me such a crappy mood like that?!
this morning...a repeat of yesterday. but this time i woke up my husband to deal with her. i went in the bathroom and cried. he doesn't get it at all. he knows something is going on with me, but he just doesn't understand why her temper tantrums affect me like this. i don't know either. they really make me feel like crap. in the last 48 hours i have really not wanted to be a mom. sometimes after she throws these tantrums she'll be so sweet afterwards..and i still can't get over it.
i believe i may have a slight case of depression and wonder if i should see my doctor. i think i'm depressed over several things..being a mom, being at my heaviest weight, not having any friends in my area, living so far from family, not liking my job...really the list could go on. back in 2003 i was on prozac for 6 months after my father passed away and i think it helped my moods to be more balanced. but i just hate the idea of having to rely on a drug to do that for me. i used to be normal...why can't i be that way now?
thank you for listening,