not sure how to handle things anymore

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
not sure how to handle things anymore
6
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 12:14pm

I'm 27, married 6 years and have a daughter who will turn 3 in february. i work full-time, and until recently was going to school part-time. my daughter can be the sweetest thing on earth, but lately it's like i don't know what the heck has happened to her. during my last semester i was a bit more leniet (let her fall asleep in the living room, etc) because i needed all the studying time i could get. my husband has been working the night shift this last semester so that was a big challenge. he will be back on the day shift after tonight (thank goodness!). i started to notice as i became stressed with school my patience was very short. i yelled more. overall became a mother even i wouldn't want to be around. since i had little extra time i rarely worked out to help me destress and not to mention lose the 30lbs i still have from the pregnancy. so school ended 2 weeks ago and i felt great. i was more patient, able to talk to her through temper tantrums..and overall she was doing very well.

my mom is now visiting and it seems to have stressed me out some. mainly because my mother is a very negative person and disciplines that way. if i discipline my daughter (i always try to talk to her nicely and don't raise my voice unless she refuses to listen), my mom will come right behind me and repeat what i've told my daughter in a more stern tone. after a day of this on monday i was aggravated. my daughter typically goes to bed at 9pm (i've tried an earlier time and it won't work she just keeps getting out). by 10pm (while i was taking a bubble bath) she got out of bed. i told her to lay in my bed and she fell asleep. tuesday morning was like hell! it was a battle to put her clothes on. she wouldn't let me fix her hair. she was flat out being mean to me. i told her so and put her in her room to calm down. i finished getting ready and went to get her to leave and she was whining about this and that. since it was already late i told her to get what she wanted to bring to daycare and get in the car. as i was pulling out she was screaming for her blanket. i told her sorry, it's time to leave. the whole 10 minute ride to daycare she was whining and yelling. i was already furious at this point and new i would breakdown any minute. and i did. i stopped the car and yelled at her. she wouldn't stop whining about everything under the moon so i turned her music up so i couldn't hear it (ok..so now i sound like the drug addict mother in desperate housewives). i dropped her off and then cried the whole way to work. the whole day i felt like crap. how can she get me such a crappy mood like that?!

this morning...a repeat of yesterday. but this time i woke up my husband to deal with her. i went in the bathroom and cried. he doesn't get it at all. he knows something is going on with me, but he just doesn't understand why her temper tantrums affect me like this. i don't know either. they really make me feel like crap. in the last 48 hours i have really not wanted to be a mom. sometimes after she throws these tantrums she'll be so sweet afterwards..and i still can't get over it.

i believe i may have a slight case of depression and wonder if i should see my doctor. i think i'm depressed over several things..being a mom, being at my heaviest weight, not having any friends in my area, living so far from family, not liking my job...really the list could go on. back in 2003 i was on prozac for 6 months after my father passed away and i think it helped my moods to be more balanced. but i just hate the idea of having to rely on a drug to do that for me. i used to be normal...why can't i be that way now?

thank you for listening,
stacey

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 7:06pm

I must say that I have sssooooo been there girl:) I was on Paxil for my depression & that sounds like what you are dealing with. I have 3 children 5 & under so I feel stressed on occasion:b My depression turned into anxiety (on top of that I have social anxiety anyway!) & I began to yell at my babies who were 3 & 1 at the time. I even went so far as to pitch a fit in front of my kids (jumping up & down, screaming the whole works), ran into the bathroom where I woke up crying, & having no clue what happened, now that's scary. Luckily my DH was there for me and tried his best to explain it to my (at the time) 3 year old. I felt like such a fool.

It gets better with medication. I have a few other medical problems that added to my mood changes during that time. I had also been through a rough patch in my life, losing a grandmother who I was very close with. I never wanted to be on medication either but it helped me for a period of time. I also realized what causes my anxiety and try to deal with it before I get put in the situation (so I don't freak out). My story goes much deeper than this & I would love to share more with you if you want so I'm going to give you my email address bree32004@yahoo.com so please email me if you want to talk about it all.
It's hard but it can get better.

Bree

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 7:50am

Hi Stacey, welcome to our board. :))

Snowman Siggy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 11:03am

Hi Stacey!

Oh can I empathize (did I spell that right? lol!) I have been in your exact same situation....school full time, work full time, kids full time,.....feeling like a screaming idiot full time at first! All built on a foundation that includes depression. I personally do not medicate my depression, it is something that I have learned to control on my own over the years, but that is a personal decision that you might make differently. So, as the other posters have stated, don't discount that aspect of this, and see your doctor about the meds available. There are many out there, and the side effects have been drastically reduced since the days of prozac!

However, cut yourself some slack, and recognize all that you are accomplishing at one time...improving your future with school, raising a beautiful daughter, maintaining a marriage all at the same time. Your daughter's behavior is completely age appropriate - so nothing is wrong with the way you are raising her. Your responses to her bahavior (or at least my responses in the same situations!) stemmed more from a lack of emotional reserve to deal with normal child beahvior. Find ways that you can cut a few minutes/aggravation here and there from your days...this will add up over the week. For example, while I have a regular washer and dryer at home...two hours at the laundromat got it all done at once (where before I just automatically switched loads everytime I walked out of the house thru the laundry room...which meant everytime I walked in, I was greeted by a pile of dirty laundry, two loads "in progress" and usually a basket or two of laundry to fold - that alone is depressing!). Thank god kids go on food "jags" and there are good vitamins available - one son lived on corn dogs for dinner, the other on peanut butter crackers or chef boyardee. I also addressed major child raising issues as the arised, but didn't sweat the small stuff (like bed times) - there is time for that after school is done

Be proud of what you are able to accomplish and balance (because that is a hell of a lot), love your family, and cut yourself some slack for the rest. I found that that method took a lot of the screaming away!

Good Luck!
Carrie, RN
(Just finished nursing school 10/2004, passed my board exams 12/21 - and eveyone but my kids and husband got gift cards for Christmas that I ordered online! Everyone survived...I am still married, my children are not future thugs, and all the inlaws understood about the envelopes instead of boxes for Christmas)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 11:29am

Thank you all for the support and advice. I feel much better today. My daughter didn't start whining today until we got in the car and I flat out ignored it. Just put my mind somewhere else and was still nice to her. She acted up when we were walking into the store last night and I must say I handled it very well. When she realized she and i were going to sit in the car while my mom went in the store she dried up the eyes. I learned about doing that from Dr. Phil and so far it works like a charm.

Keeping my fingers crossed hubby and i get our night out for New Year's Eve. He has a kidney stone that won't pass (over a week now). He went to the doc yesterday to have a cat scan to find out where it is since it's still causing pain. He told the doc he wanted it taken care of by today if at all possible (they have an ultrasound laser thingy that dissolves it, an outpatient procedure). When he called this morning to get the results they said his doctor is out for the day. He's furious. An on-call nurse is suppose to call him today. I will be upset if he isn't feeling well enough to go out. Plus he can't drink while on his pain relief meds. This is our big night out. We even got a hotel room.

So anyway...I'm keeping my head up. If anything we will stay in the hotel room all night and have fun.

Stacey

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 4:26pm

Hi Stacey,

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Sat, 01-01-2005 - 12:57pm

Hi gruvired, welcome to our board! :)

Snowman Siggy