I have to vent a little...maybe more than a little....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2011
I have to vent a little...maybe more than a little....
11
Thu, 12-01-2011 - 12:51am

Okay, tell me if I'm in the wrong here if you want. Here's what the deal is.

So, we have our ultrasound on the 19th. It's a long ways away, but my mother in law asked us if she could go with us and I'm totally fine with that. I even though it would be cool if my mom came up for it, but she can't. My MIL is taking the day off work to come up and everything. Well, a few days ago, I asked her if she was still planning to come up so we can make sleeping arrangements for her at our house. She said yes, but said Mark (her husband....her THIRD husband who she married about two and a half years ago after divorcing her husband of 18 years, who she was married to most of DH's life and was with when I joined the family...and her 18 year relationship was after she divorced DH's dad....long story, full of drama...) wasn't sure if he was going to be coming up or not, but might get the day off, too. I told her that we were excited because our DS was going to be out of school for winter break, so he can come with us. She actually sounded surprised and kind of let down. Seriously? After I talked to her, I got the sinking feeling that she was assuming that her husband was going to be in there with us at the ultrasound.

Stepping back a little bit. Her husband, Mark, has a daughter who is about two months further along than I am in her pregnancy. It's his first grandchild and she found out that they were having a girl. My MIL and Mark went to her ultrasound and got to see everything and ask questions and be there for the gender thing. And, she's having a 4D ultrasound in a few weeks that they are also going to.

Now, I have nothing really against her husband. He's a laid back football and baseball guy, hard worker, not a jerk. He's okay. But I honestly don't consider him "family". DH's family has so many divorces and remarriages that if we considered all of the new spouses family, we would have a family that was extremely large. My family isn't that large. After I talked to her a few days ago and she brought up Mark coming up, I told Tim that I think she assumed that Mark was going to be in the ultrasound with us. I told him, and he agreed, that it's kind of weird. If they were together for a while and more involved in our family, maybe that would be a bit different. And sure, they're married, so he is technically family. But I would honestly feel uncomfortable him being there at such an intimate time for my family. He's not my father, he's not DH's father....he's very new to the family dynamic. If I had it my way, it would just be me, DH, and our DS. But, she asked and really wanted to go, so I thought that would be cool.

So, tonight, I asked DH to break it to her (he has a great way of arranging conversations that meander into what he wants to say). When he brought up that we were hoping that it would be just a small family thing and nothing against Mark, but we weren't really considering him in the room with us. His mom got really quiet, then sounded really disappointed that we didn't want Mark there. Now, I'm totally expecting that all of a sudden, she won't be able to make the trip up just because we don't want him there. Honestly, I hope she does, but if that happens, it's really shallow. She even threw a fit when DH asked her if at our last appointment, our doctor could tell us what we were having and we found out, if she would still come up to the big ultrasound. She actually said no! She said us finding out before then would take the fun out of the big one. Really??? I think she would be excited to see her grandchild, but it's all about the gender to her. Okay, I get that. Now, she's disappointed we don't want her new husband in the room with us.

If I could tell her that if she's that upset, don't come up, I would...but I would feel horribly guilty and she would tell my DH all about how I'm moody and I don't understand and blah blah blah.

Ugh!

So, I guess I'm asking if you guys think I'm in the wrong not wanting her husband in the room with us for the ultrasound? Should I have just bit my tongue and said sure just to make her happy? The way I see it, it is my ultrasound and if his daughter wants her at her own ultrasounds, then she goes to all of them. Just because she got to go to her step daughter's ultrasounds doesn't mean that he automatically has a free pass to mine. He's not even DH's step dad. (Well, technically he is, but it's his second step dad.)

I think I just needed to vent mostly. I feel like if it's my wishes, I'm the one that's pregnant and she shouldn't assume without asking. It's kind of common courtesy in my mind. Thanks for listening to my rant. I'm just really frustrated that my MIL can so bent out of shape that I don't consider her husband true "family." It all has to do with drama surrounding their relationship that I don't want to go into right now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
What a sticky situation. I can imagine both sides here. If I were you, I think it'd be common courtesy on MIL's part to understand that bringing any man into the ultrasound room would be something which would require permission when it isn't the father of the baby. I've had my father at one of mine, and my FIL at one. I have to admit that both times it made me a wee bit uncomfortable with my bared belly and all that, but at the time I had made it clear it was okay for them to be there. They didn't assume. I think that might be part of your issue. Your MIL made an assumption that she probably doesn't realize she shouldn't have. On the other hand, I'm sure her feelings are hurt because she feels like her chosen husband is not accepted into the family, etc, etc. I do agree with you though--when divorce is rampant it is hard to get wrapped around the axle about people who come into the family when it is so quickly resolved. Particularly with him not being DH's father either... I think you have the right to say respectfully that you aren't comfortable with him being there, but since she felt like she was able to make that assumption in the first place I think you have to realize you'll be dealing with her hurt feelings. Grin and bear it, mama. This too shall pass :) I'm sure she'll get over it, or not, but it will work it's way out. It is frustrating to have to play emotional word games with other adults who should really know a bit better.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2011
Yeah, I do understand that her feelings are hurt, but to me, it's like her inviting her husband into the delivery room. Maybe that's more apples and oranges, but I see it as the same thing. If he wants to go and wait in the waiting room, cool...but I'm insecure enough as it is and originally, I didn't want her there. I compromised with DH and because it's my actual MIL, I'm okay with it. I'd rather have my own mother there, but she can't. And maybe I typed it out wrong last night. He is family and we've come to accept him in as family since he did married my MIL. It's not that he's not family. It's just I don't feel it is appropriate to assume that just anyone is allowed to go to someone else's ultrasound, even if it is your biological grandchild. Just because she was invited to her step daughter's ultrasound doesn't mean that her daughter in law will automatically invite him. I guess I'm just upset that she didn't think to even ask or notice that we hadn't actually invited him to come. We invited her.

My DH told me this morning that if it were up to him, he wouldn't care if Mark came or not. But, he also said that it is my ultrasound, not his. He respects and supports my decision on what makes me comfortable since I am the one carrying the baby, even if he has a different viewpoint. I'm just glad I'm not catching flack from him that I have a comfort issue with someone I don't know that well being at my ultrasound.

I do hope she gets over it and moves on, but she isn't really the type that does that so easily. It will be an interesting Christmas weekend. :)
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2008
I have to agree with you 100% here. As much as you don't want to hurt someone's feelings, it's all about what YOU'RE comfortable with. It's really nice knowing your DH is on your side on this matter. I can see if it were DH's father, maybe, but it's not. It's amazing the drama some people start and feel like they're entitled to do what they please. I really hope that she lets it go and you can enjoy your ultrasound and the holidays. Good luck!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2011

Oy! My mother in law lived in the same city as us and NEVER wanted to go to the ultrasounds or even came to see the baby when it was born (Don't get me started on the woman... All I will say is, I'm glad she passed 2 years ago! sad I know to say but over time you will learn why)!

As for your situation, I'd tell her you are only allowed X number of people (make the number to NOT include the H of her) and there isn't room for H.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2011
That's what my mother said, too, but originally, it looked like she would be in town along with my actual FIL and his girlfriend. Drama! My mother said we could always talk to the tech before MIL and FIL came in the room and let the tech deliver the news of space issues. And it's not a huge room anyway, it's about twice the size of my work cubicle. And sorry, DS is going guaranteed. :)

It's just tough. I really don't like hurting people's feelings, but at some point, I feel like if I don't speak up and voice my opinions and feelings, I'll be miserable in the end.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2008
Umm... your MIL is overstepping in a MAJOR way. She is lucky you even want her there to begin with and she's acting all uppity that you don't want her husband in there? I think it's kind of weird, personally. An u/s is a medical procedure, not a show. This isn't about her and her husband. This is about you, your body and your baby. It is your choice who you want at your u/s.

At this point, I would prob tell her that you decided you wanted this to be an intimate experience between you and your dh, but I can see you don't really mind her coming. Stick w/ your guns and stay strong. She is way crossing the line. You need to do what is best for you and your family.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2006

I kind of find it a little weird.

Liz DD (4) & DS (EDD 4/30) Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2005
yikes, not a fun situation to be in at all.

If it were me, and I'm kind of bossy about my babies, I would nicely say that you've changed your mind and want it to be just you and DH and DS only. She'll have to deal even if she is upset. If she can't understand, that is HER issue and likely a shallow and selfish one. However, I do not have a close relationship with my mom and while I share all the info with her, I would never invite her for something like that. And definitely not MIL, who is not close with me at all, though we are friendly. This is MY family and we share it together. If she wants to make drama about it, so be it, be comfortable in what you and your DH want. You shouldn't have to go so out of your way to accommodate someone for something that involves YOU. Just my thoughts.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2011
I think what we'll do is that if she hasn't gotten over it by the day of the ultrasound, I'll speak to the tech ahead of time and let her know I just want DH and our DS there and he/she will probably tell them that they can only accommodate two additional people other than the mother. That's my back pocket release. I'll see how it goes and if she reacts immaturely or really does get over it. We'll see in the coming weeks. :)
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
I definitely think she is in the wrong to assume her husband would be invited into the ultrasound room. I think it is a personal situation and I can see why you wouldn't be comfortable.

I also think there is nothing wrong with you telling her now that you guys have decided to only have DS and DH in the ultrasound room. I think waiting until the day of the ultrasound, after she travelled down and is expecting to go, could lead to an even bigger drama. Maybe she will get angry at the tech and the tech will tell her that it is your wishes and then she will feel angry like she was led on and took time off work etc. Tell her beforehand if you don't feel comfortable with her being there.

Good luck! Family situations can be difficult sometimes.

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