I have to vent a little...maybe more than a little....
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|Thu, 12-01-2011 - 12:51am|
Okay, tell me if I'm in the wrong here if you want. Here's what the deal is.
So, we have our ultrasound on the 19th. It's a long ways away, but my mother in law asked us if she could go with us and I'm totally fine with that. I even though it would be cool if my mom came up for it, but she can't. My MIL is taking the day off work to come up and everything. Well, a few days ago, I asked her if she was still planning to come up so we can make sleeping arrangements for her at our house. She said yes, but said Mark (her husband....her THIRD husband who she married about two and a half years ago after divorcing her husband of 18 years, who she was married to most of DH's life and was with when I joined the family...and her 18 year relationship was after she divorced DH's dad....long story, full of drama...) wasn't sure if he was going to be coming up or not, but might get the day off, too. I told her that we were excited because our DS was going to be out of school for winter break, so he can come with us. She actually sounded surprised and kind of let down. Seriously? After I talked to her, I got the sinking feeling that she was assuming that her husband was going to be in there with us at the ultrasound.
Stepping back a little bit. Her husband, Mark, has a daughter who is about two months further along than I am in her pregnancy. It's his first grandchild and she found out that they were having a girl. My MIL and Mark went to her ultrasound and got to see everything and ask questions and be there for the gender thing. And, she's having a 4D ultrasound in a few weeks that they are also going to.
Now, I have nothing really against her husband. He's a laid back football and baseball guy, hard worker, not a jerk. He's okay. But I honestly don't consider him "family". DH's family has so many divorces and remarriages that if we considered all of the new spouses family, we would have a family that was extremely large. My family isn't that large. After I talked to her a few days ago and she brought up Mark coming up, I told Tim that I think she assumed that Mark was going to be in the ultrasound with us. I told him, and he agreed, that it's kind of weird. If they were together for a while and more involved in our family, maybe that would be a bit different. And sure, they're married, so he is technically family. But I would honestly feel uncomfortable him being there at such an intimate time for my family. He's not my father, he's not DH's father....he's very new to the family dynamic. If I had it my way, it would just be me, DH, and our DS. But, she asked and really wanted to go, so I thought that would be cool.
So, tonight, I asked DH to break it to her (he has a great way of arranging conversations that meander into what he wants to say). When he brought up that we were hoping that it would be just a small family thing and nothing against Mark, but we weren't really considering him in the room with us. His mom got really quiet, then sounded really disappointed that we didn't want Mark there. Now, I'm totally expecting that all of a sudden, she won't be able to make the trip up just because we don't want him there. Honestly, I hope she does, but if that happens, it's really shallow. She even threw a fit when DH asked her if at our last appointment, our doctor could tell us what we were having and we found out, if she would still come up to the big ultrasound. She actually said no! She said us finding out before then would take the fun out of the big one. Really??? I think she would be excited to see her grandchild, but it's all about the gender to her. Okay, I get that. Now, she's disappointed we don't want her new husband in the room with us.
If I could tell her that if she's that upset, don't come up, I would...but I would feel horribly guilty and she would tell my DH all about how I'm moody and I don't understand and blah blah blah.
So, I guess I'm asking if you guys think I'm in the wrong not wanting her husband in the room with us for the ultrasound? Should I have just bit my tongue and said sure just to make her happy? The way I see it, it is my ultrasound and if his daughter wants her at her own ultrasounds, then she goes to all of them. Just because she got to go to her step daughter's ultrasounds doesn't mean that he automatically has a free pass to mine. He's not even DH's step dad. (Well, technically he is, but it's his second step dad.)
I think I just needed to vent mostly. I feel like if it's my wishes, I'm the one that's pregnant and she shouldn't assume without asking. It's kind of common courtesy in my mind. Thanks for listening to my rant. I'm just really frustrated that my MIL can so bent out of shape that I don't consider her husband true "family." It all has to do with drama surrounding their relationship that I don't want to go into right now.