Ugh...decisions, decisions!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2008
Ugh...decisions, decisions!
11
Tue, 11-08-2011 - 9:53pm

I'm completely torn on whether or not to find out the gender (if baby cooperates) for this pregnancy. DH has said that he wants to know and can't promise that he can keep it from me if he knows and I don't. He said that he would try very hard not to let it slip but sometimes he doesn't think before he speaks. Part of me really doesn't want to find out because I think it would be fun to be surprised during delivery but on the other hand what if I go through the entire pregnancy thinking one gender, and it turns out to be the other? Will I be disappointed? Will I not bond as much with this baby (during the remainder of my pregnancy) because I don't know the sex? I'm a big planner so not finding out would be going against the norm for me. DH's argument is that he'd really like to personalize the nursery, and I'd have to agree. I'd feel bad if we had another girl and I didn't make the nursery frilly and girlie. I don't really feel any rush to get the nursery done since the baby will be sleeping in our room for the first few months anyhow. But, I do know how much work it will be for DH to try and get things done after I have the baby and I know it's not something he's up for.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2011
Tue, 11-08-2011 - 10:22pm
With my son, I wanted to find out, but the tech wouldn't tell me because my ultrasound was around 16 weeks and she wouldn't tell us if it was before 18 weeks. So, we were forced into team green until I was 32 weeks along. My "instinct" was saying girl, but I don't know if that really was instinct or just me really wanting a girl. In the end, I'm glad I found out because, like you, I'm a planner and this helps me get things more personalized. And my "instinct" was wrong anyway. :)

I can imagine that it is easier if DH is on board, for sure. My DH wouldn't be able to not tell me or would inevitably slip, too. Maybe there's a way that he can wait and find out later? My sister and BIL waited and were surprised with both, but they were very neutral in both nurseries and with what they got.

Good luck!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2008
Wed, 11-09-2011 - 7:38am
I'm going through the exact same thing. I just dont know anymore. What I've been thinking about maybe doing is only me and DH finding out, and telling everyone else that the tech couldnt see. That would give us the option of getting ready, yet have it still be a surprise for everyone else. DH is very set on finding out, and i see his point about being able to get organized and such. This is our last baby, so if its a boy, I want to be able to get rid of most of my girl stuff and make room. I was also thinking of putting a key lock on the nursery door, incase my family members decide to go snoop ( which i know they would!)
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2005
Wed, 11-09-2011 - 7:42am
I would think if your DH knew and you didn't that he'd somehow spoil it for you - intentionally or unintentionally. Unless he's really good at knowing but totally putting it out of his mind - he might let on. Like steer himself more towards one section of the clothing than the other. Or to look at a certain color of things than another. Maybe that would just be me, but I would ALWAYS be looking for clues from him even if I didn't really want to know - I'd be trying to guess.

What did you do with Rylie? If he wants to know, do you actually see a harm in knowing or just wanting the surprise?

I did get the birth surprise with my first 2 but then have found out for all the others. And I was like you, I loved not knowing and felt that it made me push harder and focus more on labor because I was so excited to see what we were having. And then we started finding out genders and I didn't find the birth experience to be any different. I was so excited to meet this baby even though we knew the gender. Our surprise time came at the ultrasound. At the birth, we were still surprised at what they looked like and how their temperments were and size and all kinds of things. If you chose to find out, I think it would be a great bonding moment for your whole family just a few months earlier.

Do you plan to have more? If you both don't find out this time then maybe you could vow to both find out next time?

I think if you really wanted to stay green, then do it, even if DH finds out. It might be challenging and you'd have to be open to the idea that if slips, you won't be harsh or disappointed. Ultimately, it would be best if you were both on the same team. I've not BTDT so I have no real good advice. My instincts about gender have never been right but even when we did find otu genders, we planned most big items for gender neutral - just in case. As far as the nursery, maybe choose a color and basic items that could go either boy or girl and have some accents and things picked out in boy and girl that you can add in later once the baby is born. [ex: decorate in browns and creams and then add in pink or blue later - all of which are really trendy] I think there are ways to do it well, hopefully some others have some good advice.

Good luck with whatever decision you make!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2010
Wed, 11-09-2011 - 8:13am

what did you do in your last pregnancy? I say compromise! My friend is a big fan of being green team and her and her DH stayed green team for their 1st pregnancy and then for her 2nd she wanted to be green team again and her DH didnt so they decided to find out this time because they had done it the 1 way already so why not try the other way. Plus, since it meant a lot to her DH she decided to do it for him. And guess what? She is so happy she knows now. she is due in 2 months and has had a blast getting ready for this baby in a way that she couldnt with her first baby. Not that she regrets green team- she loved doing it that way, but she is glad she gave both ways a shot now.

I say if you did green team last time, throw your DH a bone and find out gender this time. If you found out last time... then try to talk DH into letting you experience waiting since it means so much to you. If it means a lot to him, though (he may feel like there arent many other ways for him to bond with baby during the pregnancy other than knowing who that baby is- genderwise, and getting a feel for the identity before born. My DH is like that, since he doesnt get to feel baby all pregnancy), you guys may just need to compromise in other ways. I hope you two can find a solution that pleases you both!

-Bess--- mom to Eve and Ariel
http://mommakesmilk.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2008
Wed, 11-09-2011 - 9:54am
For Rylie, we found out. I pondered staying green but every time I looked at bedding, I couldn't find anything neutral that I liked. I fell in love with a set for each gender and decided that I wanted to find out, and so did DH. I really wanted to have a pink nursery if we were having a girl.

DH has said that this is his last. I'm not so sure about it just yet. I think if I had a boy, I might be done but I really don't know for sure. I'm pretty sure if I have a girl, I'd really want to try for a boy 3-5 years down the road. DH did say last night that the reason he says he's done is because of expenses. He feels we couldn't afford to have a 3rd child on just his income alone. Who knows, he might change his mind in 3 years.

My feeling is, if this is my last, then it would be nice to experience waiting until the birth to find out. That way I've done it both ways. The only thing I've been able to get DH to agree to is to have the gender written down and doing a gender reveal cake. We've also talked about finding out and keeping it to ourselves. He just won't budge when it comes to finding out, he really wants to know. I guess I never thought that he would bond better by knowing the sex. That's a great point!! But if DH knows and I don't, I might be looking for clues from him to try and figure it out.

I still have 3 weeks to talk to DH more and come up with a decision. It's just so hard to figure out what I want to do (just like with everything else these days, I can't make up my mind about anything).
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Wed, 11-09-2011 - 11:57am

We don't do nursery here, the baby will sleep in the same room as us until 1 .5

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2011
Wed, 11-09-2011 - 2:03pm

We are in the same boat. This baby was a complete surprise so DH is saying "no more surprises" and he wants to find out. He also claims that since we knew wtih the other 3, how could we not find out with this one because I am such a planner. I am starting to agree with him in that I am going to have to find out because I like to buy all the appropriate colors and I make baby blankets and taggie blankets for the baby (each one has a crochet blanket and each kid has a hand made quilt with taggies) and if we went team green I won't have this ability to make it exactly what I want.

I wish all of you luck in this decision!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Wed, 11-09-2011 - 3:28pm
I think if we had a choice to find out I would feel more torn too. Since I can't actually find out in the city I live in it takes away a lot of the temptation so I am just accepting that I am green team and not driving myself crazy wondering if I should or shouldn't.

I have done it both ways, found out at the ultrasound and found out at the birth, and they are both great in their own way. Just do whichever one feels right to you!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Wed, 11-09-2011 - 3:41pm

In my town , we can't either

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2007
Wed, 11-09-2011 - 3:47pm

With our DD, I really wanted to find out and my husband wanted a surprise. He sold me on the idea of the magical moment when you meet your baby for the first time, find out what it is and give it the name. We were both kind of feeling like it was a boy, so when it was a girl I was pretty surprised, and thrilled. After we met her, both DH and I felt like, "It was little ___, the whole time!" So we knew we wanted to find out with the next.

This time, the doc told us at 12 weeks he's pretty sure it's a boy (and I was thinking girl). It is super exciting thinking about our son, but I keep wondering "Was the doctor wrong?" and I'm having a hard time committing to the idea of a boy anyway. At least if you are surprised, there's no room for error or doubt.

For me, knowing my child by name is a big part of the bonding, and we're having lots of trouble picking a boy name. Maybe once we get that sorted it will feel more real. I've liked both being surprised and finding out. I guess the biggest difference is that with knowing this time around there's less anticipation and also less anxiety.

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