Best friend just miscarried

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2007
Best friend just miscarried
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Thu, 10-13-2011 - 4:52pm

My best friend and I were elated to discover that we were pregnant at the same time. (She was only a few weeks behind me). This week, she lost the baby. She has one healthy little girl, the same age as my DD, but this is her third miscarriage. I don't know what to say or do because I've never been there before. I've been terribly sad and depressed over her loss, I can't imagine what her family is going through.

How can I be there for her without being a constant reminder of the baby she lost? Should I just not talk about pregnancy things around her at all and avoid posting pregnancy related things on Facebook? Will just me being around be hard for her? I want to listen and cry with her, but I don't know if she's up for that.

I don't want to stop celebrating my own baby, but I don't want to do anything that will make it harder for her. Any thoughts/advice? I feel so sad and clueless.

 Pregnancy Ticker

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Thu, 10-13-2011 - 7:47pm
My personal experience with this is limited, so bear that in mind, but I think it can be very different from person to person. You might have to be quite frank with her and perhaps say something like "I want to be there for you but I certainly don't want to make it harder" or maybe you could send her a card and write your thoughts in there. My cousin miscarried not long before I got pregnant with my oldest and I know for her it was hard to be around me or talk to me about the pregnancy. She had a better time with it after the baby was born and we could discuss methods of parenting. My best friend, on the other hand, is having infertility problems. She has had many friends get pregnant and it has been very hard for her to be around them. We live incredibly far from each other, so she doesn't have to be overwhelmed with my pregnancy, but I will tell you I do avoid talking about it. You have to walk on eggshells with issues like this. Make sure they know you're there, but be respectful of their pain-- in my experience. Maybe someone else will have better advice.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2008
Thu, 10-13-2011 - 7:56pm
It's certainly not easy to figure out at first what to say and what not to say around her. Just let her know that you're there for her and try to be as understanding as you can for her. In my experience, after talking with my friend, she let me know what she was comfortable with and what she was not. My friend got pregnant again shortly after the miscarriage and was able to share in the joy of us both being pregnant again. Everyone is different, but I think your best bet is to let her tell you in her own time what she's okay with and respect her decision. Good luck!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2007
Thu, 10-13-2011 - 8:36pm

I agree that it's tough because everyone's different. When I had a m/c, it wasn't that big of a deal for me, and I wasn't particularly affected by seeing other children or pregnancies. In fact, I thought it was awkward and unnecessary when people expressed condolences or made any mention of it. It's just something that happens, you know?

That said, I've known lots of mamas who struggle with dealing and have a very hard time watching their friends experience successful pregnancy and birth. I would say to avoid discussing or mentioning pregnancy stuff to her for awhile and play it by ear. If she brings it up or mentions what she's comfortable with, then you'll know. And maybe in a few months, she'll be preggo again and it'll be happy again for everyone!

Shelly with DH, DD, and expecting #2 pregnancy calendar
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2007
Thu, 10-13-2011 - 10:23pm

Thanks so much for the thoughts and feedback. We live two doors down from each other and our girls play together every day, but they've been away this week so it will be new to work through when she's back in town.

I guess I will try to be there as much (or as little) as she needs and let her know to feel comfortable setting boundaries with what she's ok with.

Such a sad time. I just hope I can help her feel loved in the middle of it all.

 Pregnancy Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2005
Fri, 10-14-2011 - 9:07am
It is such a sad time and she will always be grieving but I'm certain she'd not want you stop celebrating your pregnancy in her sadness. You may need to tiptoe for a little bit and I agree about being frank and just ask her what makes her comfortable or uncomfortable after she's had some time to grieve. She may surprise you and be totally excited for your pregnancy even though she lost her own. You're a good friend to be so considerate. Things will work themselves out to where you are both finding a happy medium.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2010
Fri, 10-14-2011 - 3:44pm

Each person reacts differently to a m/c. I took it really hard when I had mine. But then I am an emotional person and I had thought it would never happen to me and was so sure that I wouldn't m/c. I can't imagine having to go through three m/c, I would be heartbroken.

That said, how was she with her other two m/c? That may help you to figure out how to approach this situation. Definitely let her know that you are feeling sad for her and that you will not bring up/talk about anything around her that may be tough/hard on her. I do know that the pain does go away. You will always remember your loss but it won't hurt as bad as it does when it first happens. I am sure your friend will be happy for you and my guess is her m/c won't affect that.

 


Karen



 


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2007
Fri, 10-14-2011 - 4:55pm

I just found out that tomorrow (Oct. 15) is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Hopefully I can do something special to make her feel extra loved and cared for tomorrow.

 Pregnancy Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
Mon, 10-17-2011 - 8:30am

We just dealt with this, too...My DH's brother and his wife (who have been trying for a long time) lost their first baby a couple of weeks ago. I think the advice given so far has been good. Just tiptoe a bit, if for you that means no Facebook posts, then do that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Mon, 10-17-2011 - 8:55am
I actually disagree about fb posts, mostly because it is a public forum and not personal. That seems a bit extreme to me. With my friend being infertile I just try to make sure my posts aren't ungrateful.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2008
Mon, 10-17-2011 - 6:39pm
I think its really great that you havent posted anything on facebook. As much as its a "public forum", its really nice that you're really doing everything you can to make sure not to hurt them. I actually had to remove my best friend when I lost our baby ( she was a few ahead of me) becase I didnt want to always be reminded about how she had a baby and I didnt.
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