Problems with my mother

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2006
Problems with my mother
3
Sun, 05-08-2011 - 9:15am

My relationship with my mother has always been a hard one, but since I got pregnant it seems we were getting along much better, since she is really happy in becoming a grandmother. She has been saying some dumb things meanwhile, but nothing serious.

Last week I had a big discussion with her and I'm really hurt by what she said and the way she is. I always used to say that if my mother was not my mother she would be the type of person I don't relate to or like and I would never get along for several reasons. That couldn't be more true now.

I went to her home last week since my DH had to go travel for work and I wouldn't like to be alone. So we went out to have lunch together and I was driving. She wanted to go to a store first that she said she knows where it is, but then on our way she said she doesn't because she never went there and basically we were driving in circles. She become irritated and started to give me wrong directions, like shouting that I was going wrong on a one-way street when it wasn't a one-way street and I told her it's better for us just to go and have lunch and for her to shut up because I needed to concentrate on the driving in order to get us out of there. She was so irritated that she started to swear and shouted me "fu** you".

I was in shock by hearing she saying that to me and since I'm so sensible and emotional due to pregnancy hormones, I just started to cry and went back to her home. Eventually I went out on my own to eat something because she didn't want to go with me. When I came back home, she started to shout saying that it was me who got her mad so she said that and had the right to say that, trying to blame me. She even said that being 5 months pregnant I shouldn't be with hormonal problems anymore since she wasn't like that when she was pregnant. I told her that she doesn't have the right to say those things to me and I don't want to speak or argue with her anymore. I was just there waiting for my DH to come and get me. She didn't give a damn and continued to shout, despite the fact she saw me crying and nervous. She only stopped when I told her that if she doesn't respect me at least respect my pregnancy and shut up.

Then the next day she sent me an email saying sorry and I replied saying that she should be more careful with what she says because I don't want that language and behaviour next to my child when she's born! She just replied saying she had the right in saying "fu** you" to my face since it was me who got her mad...

I didn't reply anything else since this and I feel hurt and mad with her. On the 1st trimestre of my pregnancy I felt very vulnerable and emotional. Now I'm 5 months and although I don't feel that vulnerability anymore, I still feel emotional, sensible and have mood changes due to my hormones. So for her with 5 months I shouldn't be this way!?

I'm considering not seing her on the next months and even after the baby is born. I don't want this kind of behaviour near me or my family. I didn't swear to her and she has no right to speak to me like that, she looked like a teenager saying things without thinking and then trying to blame me for that? It's just that for her, if someone irritates her, she believes that gives her the right to be the worst person in the world!

Sorry for the long vent and thank you for reading, some advice would be appreciated. Thank you in advance!

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Avatar for ribrit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2001
Sun, 05-08-2011 - 12:31pm

Here is my advice. You felt being with her, which she is clearly an abuser, was better than being alone. THAT is a huge problem. You should not be around her at all and your baby should not be exposed to her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2006
Sun, 05-08-2011 - 2:44pm

Thanks for your reply. I agree with you and I recognise she's an abuser. I already had conversations with my DH about exposing my child to her. He doesn't like the way she treats me and I'm open to cut all ties for my children's sake. I never did it for me, but I would do it for my children. I don't want to repeat her beahaviour with me with my children, I have that on a very conscious way in my mind. I don't believe I would repeat because I'm not like her, I'm very respectful of others due to my dad's side but I agree that being exposed to her doesn't help me in the long run.

And you know what irritates me the most? When she's with other people (specially my DH's family) she's super super sweet so everyone likes her! People have no idea of what she really is because she has two faces. Just my DH knows how she is because she treated me poorly in front of him several times and he hated it. I would never let my daugther alone with her or just the 3 of us. Never.

"You felt being with her, which she is clearly an abuser, was better than being alone. THAT is a huge problem." You're SO RIGHT!

I'm considering cutting ties with her, not just getting distance from her and you're right, maybe I should seek counseling in order to do that and be in peace.

I know she'll be mad and will be telling everyone I'm the worst person in the world because I don't let her see my daughter, but I prefer to be seen as the evil one than let her behaviour influence my child! When we were in the car last week I imagined my daugther was already born and in the back seat listening to her words and that got me sick to dead... I don't believe even for a second in that "blame game" she does. I did when I was younger, but not anymore.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2006
Mon, 05-09-2011 - 4:56am

Hi ribrit, just to let you know that I bought the book "Toxic Parents; Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life" by Susan Forward. It seems a great book about this subject. Meanwhile I also sent my mother an email saying I'm not accountable for her actions neither I accept that she tries me to fell accountable. I don't want this behaviour anymore near me or my unborn child so if she choses to continue like that, is better for us to go separate ways. And for her to seek counseling as well cause she needs it. I felt relief after sending the email and my DH supports me 100% on my decision. Thank you again for your help!

Visit the Portugal Dream Coast: http://portugaldreamcoast.blogspot.com/