Unsupportive Husband?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Unsupportive Husband?
6
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 1:06pm
Is there anyone else out there that is married but feels as if they are going through their pregnancy alone?

I'm 24 yrs old and pregnant with my first. My husband and I have been married just over 15 months now. He has a 6 yr old son from his previous marriage. Just a lil background...

Anyways, my husband says that he is excited to be having a baby, but wants nothing to do with any pregnancy stuff. He tells me that I CAN'T get fat, and have 3 months to get back to what I was pre-pg. I can't waddle, I can't wear any tighter tops that are snug on my belly. In his eyes pregnant women shouldn't get any special treatment. He gets upset if I bring home any new maternity clothes. He told me that we have to have a boy, and that if it's a girl we have to put her back....he doesn't want a girl. Well, yesterday we found out that we are indeed having a girl. After they had determined it's a she, he was no longer interested in the Ultrasound. He sat back and as if he were bored. Afterwards I asked him if he would go with me to buy her first outfit. He responded with "it's not really my thing." He's put out with me because my morning sickness has come back. I couldn't get him to go for a walk with me if my life depended on it. He's annoyed with me for listening to the baby's heartbeat everyday with my doplar...he thinks it's pointless. He refuses to help me think of girl names, or to do any baby shopping of any sort. He cuts me off or changes the subject when I'm talking to him about the baby, her development, or just plain baby stuff.

Is this just typical of most men? Am I being over sensitive?

Austin

12/24 w/ baby girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 1:40pm
hello Austin -

Wow! LOL to you honey! That has to be rough! I am 25 and preg with #1. My husband is not exactly jumping up and down to go look at baby stuff or anything but he does take an active interest in my health and the health of the baby. We even argue about baby names. I do not think you are being over-sensitive in any way! You have every right to be excited and you should be pampered! Pregnancy is not an easy thing to go thru and even harder if you are having to go thru it alone. I really hope things get better for you real soon! Email me if you need to talk: kairiangel@hotmail.com

michelle

edd 1/6/04

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 6:37pm
Oh my. I am an opinionated pg lady. This is just my honest take on the situation since I *DON'T* think you're being over sensitive.

I think there's a difference between not being involved and being intentionally hurtful. You can't not buy maternity clothes. I have a *VERY* limited wardrobe (I can wash all my clothes in one load) and I still find I have to buy a couple of things each month as I continue to "grow." DH may also have to wait more than 3 months to see your pre-pg body again. And your body may just not be the same again, not bad, just not the same. And please correct him... you will not get fat, but you will gain weight, swell and grow in oh-so-many ways. This is because you're make'n a baby!!

Ok, so I think the thing that really bothers me is that your having a girl and he's totally not interested. My DH would love a boy, too; but he's also excited about maybe having a girl. He's keenly aware that girls tend to think dads can do no wrong (until puberty). If he doesn't come around to accepting that he's going to have a daughter, maybe there's someone you guys could go talk to? It would be sad if he continue to verbalize or show that he "always wanted a boy" around your daughter.

Since this is the first timers board, I've obviously not done this before... but I'm going to make a bet that a baby is going to put him out a LOT more than your morning sickness. I hear these baby things have a tendency to cry at night (when DH will want to sleep) and they grow (she'll need clothes, too) and they stink since they can't walk themselves to the bathroom.

Good luck with DH. Maybe he's just freaking out and it's coming out in bad behavior. Please feel free to ignore everything I said, no one knows your DH better than you do.

*hugs* and best wishes for you and your daughter :)

EDD 9/27 with #1

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Fri, 07-25-2003 - 3:34pm
Thanks for your support! I've been having a really hard time dealing with him. I am super emotional and wanted to get some input to make sure I wasn't being overly sensitive. I don't believe that I'm asking for any more than I deserve. I'm hoping that he will come around, and that our daughter will be a Daddy's girl. Your comment in regards to "these baby things..." cracked me up! It is so true. He does have a 6 yr old son and has been thru the baby thing before. How he handled it, I'm not sure though. He hasn't had to be a "Full-time" daddy for 4 yrs now. Maybe he's just scared and unsure.

Thanks again for your input and support.

Austin

Avatar for perki2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Sat, 07-26-2003 - 8:22am
Hi Austinbrat,

I've been in the same position as you have - doing this pregnancy thing by myself. One thing I have to say though, my SO has made absolutely no demands on how my body should look during or after the pregnancy. He does understand that making and having a baby requires a few bulges, stretches and bloated body parts. I'm alot harder on myself that way than he his.

We both need to take a little of the advice that the other ladies have given me. We have to let both of our SOs know what is appropriate and what is inappropriate behaviour. If they don't know its wrong, rude and/or just downright disappointing, they're never going to buck up. I'm not sure I'm able to do that without creating conflict and leaving so I think counselling is going to have to be the answer for us. Would you be able to convince yours to go? Even this seems to be an impossible approach -- men never have problems, right! It's only women who lose their minds!

Best of luck to you and feel free to email me if you ever need to vent.

Hugs,

Heather

Lilypie Baby Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 11:02am
Austin,

You are a true saint for putting up with this SOB. Surely you love him and hope he will come around, otherwise you would have left him. I don't mean to be so blunt, but from what you wrote, your support on this pregnancy is zero. I can only hope you have good family and friends to help you out. Best of luck to you and that precious baby girl you are caring.

ps-don't forget that negative vibes are bad for both of you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 9:43am
Hey, Austin. (((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))

As the mother of a 4 month old baby girl, I can relate. My DH wasn't the most supportive person during my pregnancy, and he read a book in the delivery room! ( I had to yell at him to put the book down and help me!)

Based on what I learned about my DH during this pregnancy, I suspect that your DH is feeling a lot of fear. A lot of what my DH said/acted out from came from his fear of fatherhood, fear of ME changing, and the fact that our lives were going to change. Backstory: We have known each other since 1986, married in 1995 and I got pregnant at the age of 40 in 2002.

Before I divorced or killed my Dh, I picked up a few books on fatherhood to read up on what HE may be going through. I also used my April 2003 Expecting Club ( great ladies all!) for support.

While its understandable that your DH doesn't want to get into the "girly" things such as buying baby clothes and talking about kick counts, in other issues your DH is being a complete jerk and needs a wake up call. It is completely unreasonable for him to expect you not to gain weight and waddle! Three months is INTIRELY UNREASONABLE to get the pregnancy weight off, unless you are a movie star with a personal trainer. ( I guess he never heard of 9 months on, 9 months off!) Does he have a friend/relative who can read him the riot act? Again, this is the fear of YOU changing into a woman he doesn't know.

DH was also worried that the baby would have health issues due to my age and was really not into the pregnancy until we got the okay from the amniocentesis. As for the "girl" issue. DH knows darn well that it was HE that determined the sex of the child and so that wasn't my fault. I asked him WHAT in particular did he want a boy for that he couldn't teach a girl...and he all he could come up with was to teach him to pee straight! LOL. We both had a laugh, and that was it. DH later told me that he didn't know what he could offer a little girl father wise, and talking about it made him see that he had LOTS to teach her. I am in charge of "girly" things with her, and he's planning on teaching her the computer, flying, changing the oil on the car, and so on...

My DH also wasn't into the Doppler, until I didn't do it one night (she was kicking) and he made me get it out to "make sure" that our daughter was okay!

Well, on my daughter's birthday, after my DH put his book down, I ended up having a C Section. My DH was the first to go to our little girl in the OR..."Oooooooh," he said "She's sooooooo cuuuutttte!". That was it, he was in love. Now, he's her big bear of a daddy protector.

I wish you a H & H pregnancy! Let us know how you are doing!

Cath and Ciara Aida

pics of proud daddy at www.metzair.com/ciara.html

Catherine -- Wife to Tim, Mommy to Ciára (4/19)