What to ask of your dh?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2005
What to ask of your dh?
Mon, 05-26-2014 - 4:58pm

Quick background:

1. my dh and I are fighters. Idk why but we argue alot! Haha

2. I had a miscarriage about 7 months ago after we had been ttc our first for over 3yrs.

3. I am now pregnant again at just 5wks. I worry that I may have miscarried due to stress...

So my question is: is it selfish of me to basically want my dh to treat me like a queen right now? Haha

I mean...should he argue with me about stupid things or if I happen to say something he didnt like? I mean, I already had a mc you would THINK my dh would try his hardest to not upset me NO MATTER what I say or do...

But he isn't. He's just arguing w me like usual. He gets his usual sensitive self getting upset at the slightest things STILL.

And I don't think he REALLY KNOWS how I need to be treated esp carrying our baby!

I told him I was hungry and I am so afraid w getting hunger pains cuz it means the baby may be suffering. Yet what does he do? Stops at another store! Seriously? I needed to eat not wait longer for him.

And yet if I complain about it his response is well you know im tired n not feeling good w this sinus infection...umm...I need to eat cuz im growing a frickin baby so screw your allergies! Haha 

So...am I completely wrong here? Should I not be mad that my dh STILL will argue w me n cause fights over stupid things? I think he needs to grow a backbone and if I say im hungry he needs to make sure I can eat. And I know im only 5wks but im entering some tough parts of the pregnancy w all the changes my body is going through...yet he'll sit there n be lke what's for dinner...

I feel like since im pregnant he should let me do n say whatever I want. Haha

Shouldnt me and our baby be NUMBER ONE? Shouldnt he go out of his way to make sure im happy and NOT stressed so I can focus on our baby?

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Mon, 05-26-2014 - 7:37pm

Congraulations on your pregnancy, I hope that everything goes smoothly. I saw your post on the main page, I am not a first time pregnant mom, but I can't help but make some comments. Btw we were 3 yrs ttc so I know how special a pregnancy is, both of my kids were high risk pregnancies that resulted in healthy babies who are now adults. And I've been married 36 yrs...so I think I have some experience lol.

Of all of your complaints about your dh there is one I would focus on: #1 "my dh and I are fighters. Idk why but we argue alot! Haha"

Haha nothing, figure it out and stop the arguing over stupid stuff. It is stressful which is not good for the pregnancy; but more important IMO is that this is the behavior that you will be modeling for your baby. If you want your child to grow up arguing then it will get good lessons from mom and dad. Yes both of you because it takes two people to have an argument. So you start by not getting engaged in his arguments, and you ask him to please work on not voicing every dissatisfaction. If this is your pattern of relating for 3+ years then it won't be easy to change, luckily you have 9 months to work on it so for your child's sake make an effort.

The other complaints? I don't think he needs to be catering to you. I get that you were venting and might be hormonal already but if you drop the attitude that pregnancy means your life should become stress-free and you get your every whim accomodated then he may be more willing to grant some of your wishes. When you were hungry yes, he should have stopped somewhere so you could get something to eat. But ultimately its your responsibility to stay on top of your nutritional needs and to plan ahead---like take some healthy snacks with you when you're running errands--good practice for the next 10 yrs of always bringing kids snacks in your purse LOL. (and your baby was not suffering because you felt hungry, unless you are seriously underweight). If you need him to help out around the house etc then you need to discuss that with him---he's not a mind reader. Believe me, when the baby arrives you will need to be used to planning and doing and taking charge.  

Good luck!


Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Mon, 05-26-2014 - 9:00pm

So...am I completely wrong here?   YES. 

Should I not be mad that my dh STILL will argue w me n cause fights over stupid things?  It takes TWO to tangle.  You could abort the fight by simply not engaging.  And based on the attitude you have displayed here, I think you should take a good long look at YOUR behavior, and see how it contributes to causing, and prolonging these fights. 

I feel like since im pregnant he should let me do n say whatever I want.  That is childish and ridiculous.  You are going to be a parent soon. Time to grow up. 

Shouldnt me and our baby be NUMBER ONE?   NO.  EVERYONE is equal, in an adult relationship, and deserves equal consideration.  Perhaps if you learned and PRACTICED that, there would be no fights. 

Shouldnt he go out of his way to make sure im happy and NOT stressed so I can focus on our baby?  Again, NO.  Stress doesn't cause miscarriage.  If your doctor hasn't explained what does, time to talk to him again. You don't need to "focus" on your baby.  Untill it is born, your baby will take care if itself, as long as you are healthy, and are not putting garbage into your body.  What you should focus on, is learning how to be a good partner in your marrige, and how to be a good parent to your child.  The WHOLE crux of parenthood, is putting others ahead of yourself.  It does not matter if you are tired, hungry, thirsty, have a migrane, or want to get on FB--your CHILD comes first.  She needs to be fed, cleaned, clothed, comforted, taught and protected, FIRST.  You would be well served by learning that lesson now.