Falling apart, need some pick-me-up

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2011
Falling apart, need some pick-me-up
7
Wed, 08-31-2011 - 6:23pm

I thought pregnancy was a happy time in my life where I can enjoy giving life and having a child of my own to raise with my (about to be) husband.

My sister was very angry about my pregnancy, since she's been trying for years and then lost her first pregnancy within a month last year. She ignored me for weeks and I was so depressed, I just wanted to go far away from everything. They're finally starting to talk to me and actually be normal. I have been so happy with the fact that I have my sister back and everything was going good. I just found out I'm 12 weeks instead of 10/11 with a very healthy baby. I have no problems from the looks of my blood work, my symptoms are gone, I feel great. My family has been working very hard on decorating for my wedding this weekend, and I can't do much because climbing 12 ft ladders and carrying heavy stuff around doesn't sit well with my mother or my doctor. At the mere mention on not being able to have a honeymoon, or a summer vacation at that, my brother in law jumps at me and said he'd take pregnancy over a vacation and that I should just deal with it. WTH??! What does not being able to have a vacation have to do with my pregnancy. Me and my fiance work all week and we never really see eachother. I wanted a weekend away so that me and him can feel like a couple again. I want to enjoy my time not having to take care of my child before it comes, just so I can reconnect with my fiance. I want a break from work also, being pregnant and working full time is tough!

Not to mention everyone is stressing over getting this wedding together and there has not been a moment in the past month where I haven't heard about people stressing over my wedding. I live 3 hours away from the location, me and my fiance can't help. If it weren't for my pregnancy, our wedding would still be going as planned. No stress, on a boat in the middle of ocean, enjoying my time. But no, I'm stuck with b****y family who think it doesn't bother me because I'm 'having a baby and should consider myself lucky.' No doubt I do!

I can't help but think that this pregnancy is such a curse and sometimes I just lay here and think about ending everything and starting all over. I have had problems with depression before, even though my life has been carefree for the most part. Things like this get under my skin and they haunt me. I'm not a selfish person, I just don't understand why I just can't be happy and enjoy and pregnancy like I should. I understand what my sister is going through, and she doesn't realize how it affected me. We're too close, we go through everything together.

I'm sorry for the long post. I needed to rant, I would just like prayers and just encouragment to keep going and not give up on my marriage or my pregnancy and that I can have my family back together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2008
Wed, 08-31-2011 - 7:10pm

I'm so so sorry you are going through all that Ashley... =( Its a lot to deal with already on top of being pregnant! I can only imagine!

http://4catsandababy.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2011
Wed, 08-31-2011 - 7:28pm

Thanks for the kind words :)

My sister doesn't think I understand because it was so easy for me. And yes, I will never understand how it feels. But I lost what would have been my godchild, and my sister was hurt. If we weren't 4 years apart, we might as well be twins, that's the connection I have with her at least.

I feel like I can't talk to my doctor. My mother is a nurse at that hospital, my sister is a transcriptionist there too and before she did that, she worked for my doctor. My doctor is a very good friend to the family and I feel like if I tell him, I'm starting drama (ultamitely, that's what it becomes) The difference between me and my sister is that I will not taddle-tale, I keep my emotions to myself for the most part in order to stay out of drama, while she'll find any way she can to spark a fire. I think it's because since everyone 'has it better than her' she wants to see them fall apart, myself included. That's why I'm scared to talk to my doctor or anyone that knows me.

But I do always talk to my mom, but there's only so much you can do when dealing with both of your daughters without taking a side and causing split-ups in the family. She knows in the beginning that I was dealing with feelings of regret, rejecting my pregnancy, guilt...she doesn't know I still deal with this.

During this time, typing all this and just trying to calm my crying, I just take a moment to look down at my belly and talking to it. I guess it's my way of convincing myself that it's here and I love it more than I have every loved anything, but I just don't like convincing myself that's the way I feel. I want to feel that way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2011
Thu, 09-01-2011 - 11:42am
I'm sorry that you are going through this as well. It's a lot of pressure on you being a pregnancy and a wedding. I don't have experience with infertility, but it could be for now, you need to not talk about your pregnancy around your sister. This would just about kill me as I'm really close to both of my sisters.

I would definitely talk to your doctor about feeling depressed. You need to take care of yourself through this time. Take time to enjoy your wedding and this pregnancy.

Hang in there and keep talking to that belly. It's an exciting time.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2006
Thu, 09-01-2011 - 7:33pm

Sweetie, don't ever let people make you feel like your pregnancy is a burden on them.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2007
Sat, 09-03-2011 - 5:51pm
Ashley, I hope you have a beautiful wedding this weekend and are able to enjoy it. Your sister and BIL sound like they are experiencing a lot of jealousy and that isn't fair to you. Don't let it dampen your spirit and joy. Babies are blessings no matter their timing and I'm sorry that your sister is suffering but she shouldn't be taking out her frustration and own disappointment on you. Obviously this is very difficult for your sister and this may just be one of those topics that you have to not share with her. Unfortunately separating a little from our close families happens some as we get older and this is just one of those times where you have to let go just a little and learn to be happy on your own without sharing as much of your joy with your family. I know that sucks because this is one of those occasions that is supposed to be happy and shared with your loved ones, but you have to remember that your sister and BIL don't mean it as a personal attack on you, just that they are hurting.

As for your depression, you need to speak to your dr. Your dr is bound by law not to say anything you don't want said to anyone you don't want it said to. You can tell your dr that you need to talk to them and you want to remind them that HIPAA prevents them from divulging your information without your express consent. Sometimes it is ok to swallow your emotions and be proud about it. Pregnancy and post-partum are two times where you should speak up. I don't think that would be you causing drama, but acting in a responsible manner, knowing that now you have two other people that you need to consider in this matter (that being this baby and your fiance). Your pregnancy is NOT a curse. You just have several very stressing events happening all on top of each other and that can be very difficult to manage by yourself.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Your marriage and pregnancy are wonderful events (albeit stressful) and you should enjoy this time, despite others' anguish. Your family dynamics will change now that you are starting a new chapter in life. That is how it is supposed to happen. You are starting your new life..... congrats and enjoy!

And please know that if you need to vent more, feel free to do so! We are here for you!

Tessa
Single Mom of 6 beautiful children and 3 angels........
CL to Single Moms, January 2010 Winter Wonders, and 2010 Playgroup Friends
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2011
Tue, 09-06-2011 - 6:40pm
Thanks everyone for your kind words and prayers.

My wedding was amazing, the tropical storm only made it better. I got my sister back. We were dancing and she was telling me she didn't want to fight and she just wants to raise an awesome godchild and teach it how to hunt LOL...too many drinks sis. It's like everything just came together this weekend and the weight just came off of my shoulders! The storm washed it all away.

Plus NinjaBaby decided to stop expanding my belly long enough to still fit in my wedding dress lol! (Didnt starve myself, I promise!!!)


Unfortunately, I lost my job today. But I'm in good spirits and I can now return to being a martial arts instructor and do small jobs around the school for cash :) I'm so happy. God is good!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2009
Wed, 09-07-2011 - 10:12am

I am happy you are feeling better.