Listening to my heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2012
Listening to my heart
Thu, 02-09-2012 - 11:10am

I really don't know where to start here... I am new to the group.... I am 9 weeks pregnant and in a bit of a dilemma. I've been with my husband for 6 yrs. We have 2 great kids together. A 5 yr old and 3 yr old. The problem is my husband's temper. He got into some trouble in the fall for hurting our 3 yr old. I thought that after a few months of counseling things would be fine, he'd come home, and things would go back "normal". He's home now but things don't feel normal to me. He's still losing his temper-though without physically hurting anyone. I am on edge all the time. Constantly anxious. My kids seem cautious, confused, and clingy-especially my 3 yr old. My 5 yr old seems a little angry at times. They are very resilient kids and do well in school. They are happy until things get really tense. And they do love their dad. I care very much about him myself...

So I am making plans to move in with family members out of state as soon as possible. I am uprooting my kids from everything they've ever known. A great preschool, wonderful daycare, their friends... I will have wonderful family and friend support when I get to where I am going. I am scared though. Afraid of the unknown. Afraid of hurting my kids by moving them from their dad. Afraid of bringing another child into this world without it's father. A child that I already love so much.

I love my kids and want to do right by them. My husband said it would mess them up moving them so far away. I hope that's not true because I don't want them mad at me and I don't want them "messed up".

Grr... This is all so confusing to me. I just want to make the right decision! I've been to YWCA meetings and see a private counselor. I've been diagnosed with PTSD and understand that my husband is an abuser who also suffers from PTSD. Healthy huh?

Well, thanks for

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2008
Thu, 02-09-2012 - 11:53am
I am so sorry you are in this situation. You need to do what you feel is best and it sounds to me like moving them away. My ex-husband was abusive mentally, emotionally and physically. It was an atmosphere I didn't want to have children in. Be strong and be there for your kids and they will be ok.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2006
Thu, 02-09-2012 - 2:48pm

My heart breaks for you. A little over a year ago I left my husband due to a lot of the same things you mentioned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2002
Thu, 02-09-2012 - 3:54pm

I have been where you are and I can tell won't be easy but honestly if he's acting like that the best thing to do is get yourself and the kids out. My husband used to be the same way..I have pictures of my oldest son when he was 3 I think and he had a handprint on his husband spent a week in jail and I moved in with my sister...Anyone with anger management issues needs counseling because it can be husband still goes once a week even after yrs without an incident..maybe you could talk to him about that...Things with my husband have gotten so much better..It's worth a shot...Good luck..I'll be thinking on you.

 BabyFruit Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2012
Thu, 02-09-2012 - 5:42pm

I'm so sorry to hear that. I have not been through anything similar, and can't imagine how difficult this must be. I know that in abusive situations, the hardest thing to do is to decide to leave.

As far as your kids go, I really wouldn't worry about it too much. The 3 year old is so young, s/he will not be too emotionally attached to anything but you yet. 5 is also very young...the 5 year old is more likely to miss old friends but will most likely make new friends easily in your new home. But I really think they will both be so relieved to be in a calm, stable, happy home full of love and far from fear that they will be happy with the move.

My family moved many times before I turned 5 and I barely remember anything about the old houses, friends, etc. Then when I was 7, my parents divorced and I moved with my mom and older brother to a new town about 4 hours away. I was a little bit sad to leave my friends, but I settled in quickly to our new home and didn't feel angry or resentful about that young usually just accept what happens without trying to fight it. Even as young as I was, I hated that my parents fought all the time and were always unhappy. In many ways I was glad we moved out, it was like, "finally!"

Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2012
Sun, 02-12-2012 - 1:48pm
I'm quite a bit older than you but here's my story:
In 1990 I was hit by a car and lost the use of my right leg fully. I thought my marriage would suffer but to my surprise it really didn't. My husband (we were married 8 years then) was my best friend, lover, confidant and really I depended on him.

His Mother became very ill and he had to go take care of her for 6 months. Over that time, even though we saw each other frequently and spoke on the phone daily, something happened. I detached myself from him and this changed the dynamic of "US" drastically.

We still had kids at home then and I made the decision to move a few towns away and live with my Mother and be around people I grew up with. My Hubby became very angry. Blew his top all the time and became difficult to live with. He ignored me a lot in the months prior to moving and the kids acted up tremendously. He bore that burden thankfully and just spent more time with them. He was good that way.

I left.

It didn't hit me for three months. This is what happened. Everyone, friends, family, church members (I'm quite religious since accident) and more were fully on my side with this move, encouraging me every step of the way. Only one person took me aside and gave me the inevitable "grass is greener" speech and it was a pastor, this pastor my husband fought with a lot due to beliefs but that's not important. He came to church when I asked and he was tolerant of my groups, even made us muffins.

This grass is greener speech pissed me off so much I wanted to leave even more. How dare somone tell me such nonsense. How could I possibly make a mistake Im perfect :p

Back to the 3 months. The first month it was my dream. We weren't divorced so hubby would visit and call a lot. Family and friends were there for me, I got a home health nurse to handle some things my hubby used to do for me.

Month 2. Family not as supportive, suddenly I'm questioning my decision. Kids aren't as close.

Month 3. Family and friends have their own lives. I didn't consider that. I thought I'd be the "welcome home" girl longer. Calls from husband have almost stopped, kids are very hateful talking to me about the situation, they miss dad more than I thought.

Then it hit me. This man who would do anything for me whenever I asked and loved me unconditionally was almost gone. No more did I get surprise strawberries when he went out for milk. No more "i love yous". He shut off and it was me who did this. He tried and tried to get me to stay or just wait for him to find a job there in his field (engineer).

Month 6. I realize this was the worst mistake Id made in life. I was 30ish with two kids in a place that used to hold fond memories but they were lies. They were just that. Memories. Then my mother's sister, my aunt passed. This memory of a city became horrible. I hadnt talked to hubby in a long time it felt like. He only talked to the kids. I'd destroyed him but not on purpose.

Month 7. Hubby had waited patiently. We had a lot of work to do. His temper was still very bad and it wasn't all my fault but I played a role and when I realized that, it helped us both and the kids too. We started over and now we've been married for almost 25 yrs. We did counseling, had date nights and became a "family" again over time. Still very in love and to this day he brings me those strawberries.

What am I getting at with this? If youre husband loves you and the kids and things arent at divorce stage, hold onto him. Get some help both of you. Don't make my mistake because you could lose him any second especially if you talked about moving already. Marriage should mean something and is worth the work. What happnes if you move, hes gone then anyone you meet from then on in your life IS physical or has other baggage or hurts the kids or worse. At 30 and up it gets harder and harder and if you can salvage what you have, please try. Not just for you and the kids but for marriage in general.

Please, please message me before you make a decision. I've done exactly this (but in a wheelchair) and I can help. I left out many details.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2012
Sun, 02-12-2012 - 5:50pm
Sorry I don't know how these forums work. Email me at AEJ if you want to talk. I'm not saying stay in a bad relationship, I just have done what you're about to do and I regret it.

Talking helps sort out what is the best thing to do for YOU. Nobody else. Maybe I can help but I'm from a small town and might use weird sayings hehe.