1st appt today

Had the ultrasound, and baby was measuring almost 3 weeks smaller now (& smaller than last week), so I'm going in on Friday for a D&C.

Well, I had the D&C yesterday. And I'm not hurting, just feel a little numb.. I lost another baby, and I want to cry, but I can't. Surgery went fine, tho I waited in outpatient surgery for almost 4 hours before I actually went back to the OR waiting area. I barely remember going to the OR before sleeping. And when I woke up in recovery, I

I wrote this on facebook late Sunday night/early Monday morning, and I thought I'd share here. Its how I started feeling. I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop crying. ...

heck I should at least be in bed. But I can't sleep. I tried to go to sleep at midnight, and all I was doing was cry. After I came home from the hospital, all I really felt was numb. I wasn't hurting, I wasn't crying, I wasn't feeling anything. I guess it just really hit me that I'm not pregnant, again. 2 pregnancy losses in almost 5 months. I feel broken. :/ All I actually want to do right now is cry. I'm trying to be strong, I'm trying to be brave.. I'm failing miserablely. I don't want to do anything right now, other than lounge around. I have laundry to do, but I don't have the urgency to do it. I don't want to go back to work, and have to act like I'm ok, when I'm really not. I don't really want to go anywhere. I'd love to go to Florida, but I don't want to drive. I've worked on getting my christmas stuff up, and thats something I did to really not let myself even think about what happened. :'( The tree is up with lights, garland and decorations, its just missing a topper. The only other thing I really have done is 3 strands of lights up in the kitchen living room area. Oh and my fiber optic Santa. I'm glad I have family and friends who support me during all this, I just wish I felt more like me right now. I know its probably going to take a while... Just like its going to take a long time before I will even want to think about getting pregnant again. Oh well, I think I've written enough right now.. Tho I'm not tired, so I'm probably just going still be up. I'm really glad that Jacob is with my parents during all this. I don't think I'd be fun right now. I'm not brave or strong right now. I'm fragile and heartbroken.