Does anyone else do this?
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|Thu, 07-26-2012 - 12:01am|
It's been about 4 months since we lost Will, and most days are better, but sometimes I have something like "flashbacks". They usually happen when I am driving and in the car alone. I keep reliving the conversations the morning of the ultrasound that I had with my husband and my youngest son. I reassured my husband that the sonogram was routine and that I would be fine going by myself. (I had been told no one would be allowed in the sonogram room, but that my husband could wait in the waiting room only.) He again seemed concerned and said he could get off of work and come with me if I wanted him to. I asked my son if he was hoping for a little brother or sister and he said, "A sister. No, I just want a healthy baby." Their words still haunt me to this day. Then I think of my excitement on the way to the sonogram...walking down the hallway to the room...holding my breath until I saw the beautiful profile of Will and the strong heartbeat and could finally breathe a sigh of relief knowing he was growing well...seeing the look on the technician's face as she walked back into the room with the doctor and said, "Honey, do you have anyone here with you?"...Hearing the doctor say terms like, "fatal condition", "incompatable with life", "talk about choices"...my world fell apart at that moment as I looked back at the sonogram screen and saw my beautiful baby squirming away, full of life.
My eyes fill with tears, but I am usually able to stop myself from completely losing it....maybe someday these will stop and I will only be filled with peace when I think of Will.