Does anyone else do this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2012
Does anyone else do this?
3
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 12:01am

It's been about 4 months since we lost Will, and most days are better, but sometimes I have something like "flashbacks".  They usually happen when I am driving and in the car alone.  I keep reliving the conversations the morning of the ultrasound that I had with my husband and my youngest son.  I reassured my husband that the sonogram was routine and that I would be fine going by myself.  (I had been told no one would be allowed in the sonogram room, but that my husband could wait in the waiting room only.)  He again seemed concerned and said he could get off of work and come with me if I wanted him to.  I asked my son if he was hoping for a little brother or sister and he said, "A sister.   No, I just want a healthy baby."  Their words still haunt me to this day.  Then I think of my excitement on the way to the sonogram...walking down the hallway to the room...holding my breath until I saw the beautiful profile of Will and the strong heartbeat and could finally breathe a sigh of relief knowing he was growing well...seeing the look on the technician's face as she walked back into the room with the doctor and said, "Honey, do you have anyone here with you?"...Hearing the doctor say terms like, "fatal condition", "incompatable with life", "talk about choices"...my world fell apart at that moment as I looked back at the sonogram screen and saw my beautiful baby squirming away, full of life.

My eyes fill with tears, but I am usually able to stop myself from completely losing it....maybe someday these will stop and I will only be filled with peace when I think of Will.

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Avatar for cowboys_grl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2010
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 12:20pm

Krista, I also think about the day. I brought my hubby to our 2nd u/s, just to do a 'routine check up' (for our 1st angel).....  (I went by myself for the 1st u/s at 6.5 weeks & saw a hb). The nurse just put a doppler to my stomache. because I was 'supposed' to be 11.5 weeks along. Then she excused herself.  I told my hubby. "I hope nothing is wrong!"  Then in came my dr., "we are just going to look with the u/s, because we are having a hard time finding the hb." 

After what seemed like a half hour & my hubby was trying to look on the screen and make sence of everything. My doctor turned the screen off & told me those words! All I remember was "I'm sorry & if you only remember one thing I say, remember, it's not your fault."

My 2nd angel, I was a little more prepaired, in case they didn't see a hb, but I was still kinda' caught off guard & the 2nd one, I took a little more personal  angry at God!

After 6 weeks of 2nd one, I am still trying to process it all & get my courage up to try again!  It's all so scary to me now! :smileysad:

But yes, I think back too....it's hard to process, when you've already had a 'normal' pregnancy.  :smileyembarrassed:

Kiki (hit my magic age of 45 and no longer TTC),but mom to a beautiful teen DD & 2 angels in heaven & married to my best friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Sat, 07-28-2012 - 8:26am

The flashbacks are the hardest part of all for me.  I relive the sonogram that we found out our son had died every time I had to have a sonogram with this last pregnancy that included panic attacks.  I have moments that a certain smell will send me right back to some part of losing our son--that sterile hospital cleaning smell does it every time. 

I had to learn to allow myself to break down--instead of trying to always keep it together--to let it go sometimes--something I'm not good at.  It helped to hit the release button every now and then as the memories come back. 

I smile more often when I think of my son now--I think of him with me.. and think of him being my guardian angel, especially lately--but I still have my flashbacks, and accept that it's part of who I am now.

(((HUGS)))  You're so strong and have been since that day--  I admire that-  You've helped so many women through the difficult days.  Including myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2012
Sat, 07-28-2012 - 1:02pm

Thanks Kiki and Julia:smileyhappy:  It's funny that you mention the sterile hospital smell, Julia.  It does the same for me.  I do find the passing weeks a little easier, but like you said, every now and then, I have a difficult day.  I'm so grateful for the support of all the women on this board and others.  I always know where I can turn when I'm feeling sad and alone!  Thank you so much!!

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers