I'm back again:(
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|Tue, 02-12-2013 - 10:13am|
The first week of January, I had the surprise of my life as I found out I was pregnant again. We lost a little boy at 14 weeks due to Trisomy 18 in April 2012. Finding out I was pregnant--almost one year after finding out I found out I was pregnant with Will, was really scary and had a sense of deja vu. We had TTC until Will's due date and found ourselves pregnant the last month of trying. That pregancy bliss lasted about a week, and then I miscarried. We decided God was giving us a clear sign that it was time to move on and put our TTC years behind us. So once again, I got to the point of feeling complete without another baby and we started to make plans for the future. So...finding out in January that I was pregnant was another shock. I tried hard to believe everything was going to be okay this time. After all, I had to think this was God's surprise blessing for us after losing Will. Surely, we wouldn't go through another devastating loss....
Yesterday I had a follow-up sonogram to check for the baby's growth. At my 7 week appointment, the baby measured 4 days behind, but we saw a nice strong heartbeat. Yesterday (8 weeks, 6 days) we saw the growth jump I had been praying for...it now measured 5 days ahead (9 weeks, 4 days) much more in line with what I was expecting. At first, everything looked good as the doctor measured the baby, but then things started looking problematic. We were using a new ultrasound machine that the doctor was not familiar with and she couldn't clarify the resolution when she was trying to look for the heartbeat. Finally, she said the measurements looked great, but she couldn't fine tune the resolution to clearly look at the heart. She made an appointment for us at another imaging center across town and off we went, with our picture of our LO measuring nice and big. As I walked back to the imaging room, I asked if my husband could come and was told that he could come back when the radiologist gave us the results. My anxiety level rose as I approached the same room where my last sonogram was with Will...the room where I heard such devastating words..."incompatible with life", "cystic hygroma, "fatal condition"...I started crying as the sonographer scanned me (with the monitor turned away from me) and I asked, "can you just tell me if you see the heartbeat?" She patted my leg and said, "I'm sorry. I can't say anything. The radiologist will be in to talk with you when we are finished." She proceeded to scan both abdominally and vaginally for about 20 minutes as I laid there and sobbed, praying that God would breathe life into this tiny heart and that I wouldn't hear the words I was so dreading. Finally, she finished and left to get my husband and the radiologist. Once the radiologist came back in, she redid the scan and then told me that the baby's heart was no longer beating. Based on the size of the baby, they think the heart stopped within the last 24 hours:( I am just devastated and emotionally drained. I really thought this was to be our surpise blessing from God after losing Will and now...another baby to mourn. I'm so sad.