Need to vent/ get this out/ I dont know what to call it

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2010
Need to vent/ get this out/ I dont know what to call it
4
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 9:38am

Hi I have not been here for a while. My loss was at 15wks 1 day ( that we discovered) and it was at the end of December. My long story short was that when I went in at a little over 14 weeks (slight spotting after sex) my doc did an u/s and just all of the sudden seemed different. She didnt tell me what she suspected or that anything was wrong, she just said she wanted me to come back early in the next week for full u/s w/ the tech. At that time my baby was moving around like crazy and the little heart was clearly beating so I didnt worry that much. I did think her behavior was kind of odd. For some reason I just knew that my husband should be there. I told myself it was b/c at over 15 weeks they MIGHT be able to tell the sex and I didnt want to have to turn that info down b/c he wasnt there. So I told him he should be there for that reason and then again " in case there is something wrong" so he came. I remember asking the tech if she might be able to tell the sex at 15 weeks 1 day. She told me that if the baby was sitting on my cervix she might be able to. My husband was running a bit late and when he came in I had just got on the table. I excitedly told him " she said she might be able to find out! " .. it wasnt long into the u/s that the tech said she was going to get my dr so she could " explain some things to me". When she left the room I asked my husband " did you see "him" moving or a heart beat? I didnt see anything" he just said lets just wait I am sure everything is fine. My doctor came in and gently broke the news to me that we had lost "him". I say him b/c that is what she said althought they told me there was no way to tell. Even though we know that the baby was alive at over 14 weeks he/she was not developing the way that they should and was only measuring 13wks. Apparently the cause for concern the week before was that she saw alot of fluid on the back of the neck in that bedside u/s and wanted a closer look w/ the tech. She said she was 95.5% sure it was a chromosomal issue. I know all of you know how devestating this was. It was a few days before Christmas and so my doc said that she wanted to do a D&C the following week on 12/27, I went thru Christmas carrying my baby who was no longer alive. I dont know that a rush D&C would have been better. I just accept that for what it was. Fast forward to the hospital, we went in on time and the doc ran about 3 hrs late. I was actually thankful for the extra time I had b/c it gave me time to make a decision we were not prepared for. When the nurse brought in the forms that I had to sign one of them was about what to do with " the products of conception". It explained that we had the choice on what we were going to do. We could assume the responsibility of burial ourselves and at our cost ( they would only give the remains to a licensed funeral home) or the daughters of charity (nuns) took all of the "POC" from all of the area hospitals every 8 weeks and did a mass burial. The cemetary was on the north side of the city and we live an hour east of the city. Also, parents were not allowed to attend the service but could call later to find out the location of where the child had been buried. It explained that each fetus was handled w/ care and placed in a card board box labeled w/ a # and a small cross and that all of the little boxes were placed in a coffin and buried at once. The grave marker would state " little angels w/ the date of burial" I was stunned that I was being asked what to do. I had not even thought it was an option or that they bury the little ones. I dont know what I thought. I guess I just wasnt prepared. I knew what I wanted and I asked my husband and he immediately said he would like to bury our little one if we could afford it. So right there in a hospital bed I had to start making calls. We have family space at the cemetery that my father in law bought before he passed away. So, I called the same funeral home that handled my FIL and then his father. Its a very small town and I know the lady who works there and I explained to her what was going on. She said she was going to call the director to ask what the cost would be. I was very surprised when she called back and said that when it comes to something like this they offer their director services free of charge and that we would just have to buy the little coffin which could range anywhere from 99-300 dollars and then we would have to pay the "grave digger" we decided that even though it would add up we wanted to do it so we made the arrangments. Well, I have a point here and I am so sorry it took so long to get to it. I guess I feel the need to explain myself b/c of what I am going to tell you next. When we made the arrangments the director asked if we wanted him to hold back the death notice or put it in the paper we said it was ok to run it. We did a graveside burial w/ just my husband and I we even told our mothers that we just wanted to keep it simple and be alone. We simply wanted our little one buried by him/herself next to family. We even put a down payment on 4 other spots near that spot and where my FIL is buried so that we can be buried near our little one. It was just a personal decision.

April
Loving wife to John
Mom to Tristan 4/20/96
and now to Jack 9/15/10
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012

There are absolutely no words to try to comfort that kind of run in with someone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2010

Thank you Julia. That means alot.

April
Loving wife to John
Mom to Tristan 4/20/96
and now to Jack 9/15/10
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012

April--you're welcome--there are times people amaze me with their lack of empathy or even common sense.

Avatar for Cmmelissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
(((HUGS))) April, I'm so sorry about the loss of your son. I think that having a burial for him is a natural part of grieving, it helps you to deal with the loss and give you a place to be near him. I'm sorry that she was so insensitive to you, some people just don't know when to stay silent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2012

Oh April...I am SO sorry you are having to deal with losing your precious baby AND deal with such a thoughtless person at the same time!  I think your funeral for your son was a wonderful idea.  I lost my son at 14 weeks on 4/2 and the doctor did not give me any options about what to do with him after the D & C.  In hindsight, I really wish I had thought to ask about it, but I was still in shock over losing him and kind of numbly moving through the week.  To have a place to go to be close to him would have beeen WONDERFUL for me!  I am so glad you had time to make decisions important to you and your family. 

Sending healing hugs your way...

Krista

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