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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-1999
new here
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Sun, 08-26-2012 - 10:55am

I am here after an ultrasound last week reveald that my babys heartbeat stopped at 9 weeks 3 days. We had known for a couple of weeks that the heartbeat was slow and that the growth was falling behind.  However, I still had hope that everything would work out for the best.  Our infertility specialist refused to give me a D & C stating that it would then be harder for me to get pregnant and that it may damage my uterus permanently.  So off we went through multiple rounds of cytotec.  My levels are still really high so I am also doing the every 2 week hcg until my level goes back to 0.  This pregnancy was from my 2nd round of IVF.  MY first round ended up with a BPN.  We dont really have the money to do IVF again. And as the days go by, I really am not sure I want to waste the money again with what would probably be the same results. My children knew about the baby since they were on summer vacation and I had to be on bedrest.  my youngest was with me when we got the news and I was more devastated having to explain to him that the baby was in heaven.  My middle one took the news hard and ive caught him crying on multiple occassions.  I guess I should be lucky, this was my first miscarriage after having 3 healthy babies.  BUt, this was my first pregnancy with my new husband and I cannot deal with it.  I'll catch myself rubbing my belly, or thinking about cribs.  I am just not dealing with it well.  Last night, I just broke down crying hysterically.  

My DH on the other hands is oblivious.  After we had a 2nd ultrasound that said fetal demise. He asked the doctor if the baby would be ok.  I don't know if he is being idiotic or just needs a slap aside the head.  My DH doesnt say anything about the baby and just goes on as life is normal.  His one remark was "wow, we really went down in flames on this one".  And his only remark to the nurse was when we could have sex.  I dont understand why he doesnt seem to care and I am just pulling farther and farther away from him because of it.  He didnt even tell his parents. THey texted me this morning, and I had to tell them.  I understand men deal differently but just ignoring it happened doesnt make it true.  

I'm glad I found this room and I can just vent.  Everyone just wants me to get over it and I cant right now.  Everyone says they are going to pray for us but what good do prayers do.  I had all my family/friends praying for my baby and my baby is dead now.  What did I do to deserve this?  Why does God want to punish us like this. People are telling me you can just try again but with IVF, you cant.  And to take money away from my kids who really need it just to have another miscarriage.  I dont think I can do that again.  

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2012
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 10:44pm
I'm so sorry for your loss. Men do handle things differently, but he also needs to remember that your un pain and he needs to be supportive. All children grieve in their own way too, I told my younger sisters about the baby, as I practically raised them and I knew how happy they would be. Telling them about the loss was so hard and they didn't cry or get overly emotionally but they just kept asking me so many questions that I could not answer. I got so frustrated. Just remember you didn't do anything to deserve this and it is not your fault. I know its hard to hear right now but its true, we can't explain why god does things, but we cane blame ourselves either. Guilt is completely natural at this time, so
isn't anger. Noone should push you to get over something your not ready to, I felt like I was going to cry myself to sleep forever at the time. People can be so pushy when its not them going through it. How are you feeling both physically and emotionally?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-1999
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 11:54am
Thanks for your reply. I went to work yesterday and only cried twice so I guess I'm doing better. People are either ignoring me or sharing their hurtful comments. It's not making it feel any better. How long does it take tO get over the pain and anger. My husband finally opened up that he is in complete denial. He still doesn't believe it. I had him bury our baby thinking that he would see it and realize what was going on. But I guess he is still in a bit of shock. I have no idea how to get him out of it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-1999
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 3:36pm
Thank you guys!! Your support is very much appreciated. Each day gets a little bit better. I still have anger and grief. My husband still just wants to move past it and doesn't talk much. But I think I'm at least able to go the day without crying and am able to talk through my feelings with my DH.