new here-hurt and scared.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2012
new here-hurt and scared.
3
Sat, 06-02-2012 - 11:11pm
Hi. I'm glad I found this board as I'm starting to feel like no one is understanding me and I'm getting tired of hearing "its so common" and "your so young, there's plenty of time". That being said here's my story and I'm hoping someone can help if for nothing else but some peice of mind and understanding. My lmp was April 8th (Easter) and I found out I was pregnant exactly a month later the day I missed my period as I was hopeful. I immediately called my doctor and the next day went in for the blood test. When I was called back with the results the nurse said my hcg levels were low and I must be very early in my pregnancy I expressed how I had just missed my period and caught it early, she said nothing else about the matter. This being my first pregnancy I thought nothing else about the low level. I called and made appointments with my obgyn and I couldn't wait for the dates! It sounds crazy but all I talked about for weeks is the pregnancy and the baby. On Friday, June 1st I had an appt at the obgyn just to get blood work taken and explain somethings to expect. About an hour later I received a call from the nurse explaining to me that my first hcg was only 36 which is very low, which she also said nothing else. I started researching and found that could potentially be very dangerous and later in the day began getting some cramping ( which I had slight cramping the whole pregnancy, everyone said was normal). At the hospital they gave me more tests and ultrasound apparently the babys heart rate was only 67 and hcg only 800. The doctor was so nice and understanding but he pretty much told me all I can do is wait for the baby to die and that the chance of survival was a miracle. Today the cramps are worse and I had a tiny bit of blood ( enough to cover the toliet paper twice when I wiped but none in my underwear). I keep getting strong waves of hope, as well as strong feelings that its over. I can't stop crying and my fiance looks heartbroken and I know he is just so concerned with my well being. Another note is the past two weeks I had numerous dreams of miscarriage and I couldn't understand why I would keep having awful dreams, and everyone just kept telling me it was my fears. Im at a loss and I don't know if I should be hopeful when every sign and every pain I'm feeling is weighing against me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2012
Sat, 06-09-2012 - 11:27pm
I'm so sorry for your loss and I feel terrible you have to experience it twice. My fiance and I have been talking about trying again and I'm terrified that is have to experience this again its such an awful pain. I have a d&c scheduled for Thursday but I don't think I'm going to have to do it as I started bleeding very heavily today and have the most awful pain. The doctors kept saying it was going to be a heavy period but that's not what this feels like it hurts so bad. As bad as it hurts and sucks all around I am feeling relief as I found out a week ago and have been going through hell knowing my baby was dead inside of me and that my baby stoped growing about 3 weeks ago. It sounds like you know that feeling too well. :/. I've been telling my fiance about these forums and how much they have helped and he's glad I'm talking to you ladies. It's nice to be able to share and not hear about how I'm so young and can do it again and being treated like my loss is nothing. I'm sorry for what you are going through and you are certainly in my prayers. It hurts knowing your baby had to be an angel before you even had the chance to meet, but I find some hope in knowing that they are in fact angels now.
Avatar for cowboys_grl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2010
Sun, 06-10-2012 - 9:35am

Well, I am glad you don't have to stay in limboland!

Well, it was your 1st m/c, so chances are the next time you get pg., it will all be fine.  So, I would still try, if I were you.  :smileywink:

You feel, nothing short than devastated, when it happens, but as time goes on, you will start to heal and feel a bit better. And now, you have an angel looking over you!  :heart:

I know, I will start to feel better, eventually.....but I am still in limboland, so kinda' stuck 'in the moment' & just sad, it happened again, for me.  :smileysad:

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Kiki (hit my magic age of 45 and no longer TTC),but mom to a beautiful teen DD & 2 angels in heaven & married to my best friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2012
Sun, 06-10-2012 - 12:03pm
Yeah I'm glad the limbo is over too, now hopefully I can try to heal. The pain is so bad that its like masking my emotions right now, keeping me from being able to get too sad.