our 2nd angel

Avatar for cowboys_grl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2010
our 2nd angel
5
Sat, 06-09-2012 - 2:49pm

I know this feeling of, going into an ultrasound, being optimistic and 'thinking' all is going well....just to find out there is no more heartbeat!!

I was 8 weeks and one day, 'feeling' pregnant, nauseous, sore boobies, bloated, peeing for two....then BAM, no heartbeat!! Our baby must've died either the night before the u/s or the morning, just as we were going in.....the fetal pole was even measuring correctly, but just no heart flutter seen, on the screen....I was still having pregnancy symptoms last night! But, today, they have lessened dramatically.

Since I am 44, that was our last time trying.....I couldn't take the emotional roller coaster of trying again, anyway!  Just sucks....I don't know WHY God hates me so much, to do this to me AGAIN!!  :smileysad:




Kiki (hit my magic age of 45 and no longer TTC),but mom to a beautiful teen DD & 2 angels in heaven & married to my best friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2012
Sat, 06-09-2012 - 11:35pm
I know the feeling of why and wondering what you are being punished for I ask myself that everyday. Everyone tells me its not my fault and I'm not being punished and its so hard to hear but I want to say it to you. What we have to go through is unbearable and its just worse when we blame ourselves. I'm so sorry for your pain. If you ever need to talk and vent I'm here, I check this board everyday as its one of the only places I feel any sort of help. I'll be sending prayers for you and your angel :/
Avatar for cowboys_grl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2010
Sun, 06-10-2012 - 9:27am

thanks...hug!  :heart:

it's so sad, I've been such a positive person, on these boards....encouraging everyone, not to give up on trying (if they were trying?).....or if they were pregnant, after a loss? it will all be okay.

But, now? There is no more hope, in me....it's all gone. Where was my 'silver lining'? And the sad thing is, none of my family can say anything to me, to give me any hope & I've already told them, I just don't want to talk about it.  :smileyindifferent:




Kiki (hit my magic age of 45 and no longer TTC),but mom to a beautiful teen DD & 2 angels in heaven & married to my best friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2012
Sun, 06-10-2012 - 12:01pm
Once again I'm sorry, its so heartbreaking. Unless you have been through it its hard to understand I guess and that's why family and friends are not very much help. Their awkwardness and not knowing what to say sometimes makes me feel worse. I pray that you find hope and comfort in any decision you make. All I can say to describe this lately is it just sucks. It's hard to stay positive when you feel so down. Sending hugs your way.
Avatar for cowboys_grl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2010
Sun, 06-10-2012 - 12:44pm

Thanks love! Yeah, I agree...it just sucks!  :smileyhappy:

hugs....with time, you get thru it, just right now, I'm kinda stuck.

Kiki (hit my magic age of 45 and no longer TTC),but mom to a beautiful teen DD & 2 angels in heaven & married to my best friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2012
Mon, 06-11-2012 - 12:08am

I'm so sorry Kiki.  I wish I had the words to make everything okay, but obviously I don't.  I've been so thankful for all your encouragement and understanding with me and others on the boards.  I wish I could take away your pain.  I know what you mean about not being able to turn to family and friends, they just don't quite get the anguish we are dealing with.  There have been times I just wanted to be alone so I could cry without having to explain anything to anyone.  The shower is a great place for that!  I can't tell you how many times I have sobbed in the shower with the water wiping my tears away.  Somehow, I felt better after crying...but other times I wanted to be with someone who had been through it.  Each day is different.  I'll be praying for you and your two angels.

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