struggling with the process
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|Sun, 04-15-2012 - 12:22am|
Hi everyone, sad to be sharing my story here but hoping to clear my mind a bit. This was my first pregnancy, and we were so excited and happy to be on the journey to grow our family. I first started spotting about a week ago and immediately knew that something was wrong, no matter how much books and websites reassured me that spotting could mean nothing at all. It was a holiday weekend and I couldn't get into the dr until Monday, at which time the ultrasound showed that my 7 week old embryo had lost its heartbeat. It's been slowly sinking in over the past week that we are losing this pregnancy, especially in the evenings sitting at home when I don't have work to distract me.
This weekend has been particularly hard, not in the least because my body is still clearing things out and my cramps have gotten quite severe, even without the prescription medicine that the dr offered to induce contractions. Never filled it as it quickly became clear that my body was giving me plenty of painful cramping on its own. I never filled the painkiller prescription either. Part of me wants this to hurt. It should hurt - it's the worst thing that's ever happened in my life. It should feel painful. And maybe there's a part of me that still blames myself, despite the dr assuring me that there's nothing I did or didn't do to cause this. I can think of a million circumstantial things that happened in the days leading up to the miscarriage beginning. I try to tell myself that if it were really that easy to induce a miscarriage with normal everyday activities, no one would ever need to get an abortion - they could just go for a long walk, apply skin cream, or lift a full laundry basket!
What's also hard is that our families were so happy for us. We had just told a select few people in our lives, and we had to break all of their hearts with this news. I think my mom took it particularly hard. She had the same thing happen to her during her first pregnancy, over the same holiday weekend. She went on to have two healthy children, so her story should be giving me hope. Instead I'm upset with myself for making her relive the pain of losing her first pregnancy.
I read today about a Japanese tradition for sending the spirit of the unborn child on its way to be reborn. I wish we had a ritual like that in my culture or religion. I feel strange mourning a life that never quite existed, yet I saw its heartbeat. It did live inside me, however briefly. I felt a connection that transformed my life and my whole outlook on things - then it was gone. My body is still releasing it a little bit at a time. I wonder how I will feel the morning I wake up and find that I am not bleeding any more - that my pregnancy is truly gone.
Thanks for listening. I wish you all the best.