Wish I could be numb..
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| Thu, 08-23-2012 - 7:16pm |
I woke up yesterday morning excited for my first "real" Dr. appt, meeting with the Dr who delivered my daughter in Feb of 2011. I loved her. I had back surgery the end of June and when I was preg tested there, it was Neg.. About a week or so after surgery I started to realize I was a little late and chalked it up to the stress and medications.. But I thought I'd take a test just for fun. Well, much to my surprise, it was Pos. I told my boyfriend and it took a few weeks of arguing to figure out what we were going to do. I of course wanted it and he, being very scared, was learning toward not having it. I finally talked him into keeping it and we both started to get very very excited!
Long story short, went in to my appt and discussed my concerns with the surgery, anestisia (sp?) and all the medications being risk factors.. Since I was so early in my pregnancy. She assured me that I would be ok and I had a weight lifted off my shoulders. After chatting, she said "Let's listen to that heartbeat!" with a huge smile on her face. She checked and checked and checked again.. Nothing... Then she fired up the ultrasound machine which she told me in advance that she wasn't too familiar with, but said we'd give it a go anyway.. She looked at me and said that the baby wasn't growing much and at 11 weeks, it should be a lot bigger. It also wasn't moving. I was devistated. But she reminded me that she wasn't familiar with the machines and said we'd schedule an ultrasound for Friday morning. Friday morning.. My birthday.. As I left the office in tears I realized that there was NO WAY I could wait that long. My Mr and I went to th ER last night and got an utlrasound there. They confirmed my worst fear. So now, I have to wait until Monday to get a D&C done.
How do you make a person wait 3 days, knowing what I now know?!?!
I am completely heartbroken, a mess.. Can't stop crying or being angry at myself. I just want my baby to be alive. Is that too much to ask for? What did I do to deserve this? What could I have done different? How do I cope the next few days?
I'll be 29 tomorrow, what a great gift from God.
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Aw, sweetie, I am so sorry. I know you're angry, frustrated and heartbroken but I just wanted you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. If you need to just vent away and let your feelings out, you've got a shoulder to lean on here. {{Hugs}}
The emotions are going to run rampid for a while. I didn't have a D&C done, but I've heard from many women who did and ive actually heard the same thing, that afterwards it was like they couldn't cry at all. That does not make you insensitive at all, it is very clear that you are hurting and grieving your loss. I always wondered if what I was feeling was normal too, its like when I was going through the actual miscarriage I felt like I deserved the pain. I was scared of myself for that, but I've realized now I didn't deserve it and I didn't do anything to cause it (thanks to my doctors and the ladies here). I was so angry when I saw a pregnant woman I was furious and my best friend used to tell me "you know its not their fault", which also made me feel like such a bad person. Losing a child is the hardest thing I had to go through and as for the pain its still there. I dont cry myself to sleep everynight any more or lose control like I did but I still miss my baby so much. I have a cousin who has the same due date as I had and the other day she found out the sex and sometimes it's still hard for me to be happy for her like I would normally be. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it will get better over time and everyone heals in their own way. I just want you to know it is completely normal to feel all types of crazy emotions. Thats great that your boyfriend is so supportive it will help so much.