Sad birthday today:(
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|Tue, 05-29-2012 - 12:17am|
Today was a mixed day for me. It was my 40th birthday (such a "joyous" one, right ); my first since our little boy passed away at 14 weeks from complications due to Trisomy 18. His name was William Henry and we call him Will. It was a heartwrenching time as we were told our beautiful baby had a fatal condition at our 12 week appointment. I looked at his chubby little cheeks, his cute nose, adorable lips, and strong heartbeat on the sonogram and was heartbroken. We were hoping we'd get to hold him for a few minutes or a few days after birth, but he passed away 2 weeks later. Those were the most awful days of my life, and each day seemed to last an eternity as we wondered what the future held for Will and our family. We have resumed "life as normal" now. It has been about 6 weeks since Will left us and my four boys are in nonstop motion which helps to keep my mind and body busy Rylan (my 5 year old) talks about Will often--he was so excited to finally be a big brother. A few days ago, my husband, Bill mentioned to Rylan that he had seen all four boys graduate from Good Shepherd (their preschool and pre-K). Rylan piped up and said, "And you saw Will graduate too." This confused me, until he added, "Will graduated from Earth straight to Heaven. That's the best graduation of all!" Out of the mouths of babes!
Back to today....Today was hard because when I found out I was pregnant, I had marked it in my mind as the halfway point to getting to hold my baby. Will should have been 21 weeks along in the pregnancy Most days I am better, but today was EXTREMELY difficult. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry, but I had to pretend to be happy, because it was my birthday and my little guys wouldn't understand me being sad on this of all days. Birthdays are such a happy time to them I think it made it worse that I couldn't just cry and get it over with. I felt like I had to put on my "happy face".....When I tried to explain to my husband and my mom why I was sad, they just didn't quite understand. After all, I have 4 wonderful boys, they said...I know, I know. But that doesn't change the fact that I was SO excited about this unexpected surprise blessing in our lives. I was REALLY looking forward to sitting on the couch and playing with his chubby little fingers and toes while all my others were in school! With my other boys, I felt like I was always chasing a toddler and in "survival" mode. This one was going to be "MY" baby and I was SO ready to enjoy him! I still greatly feel his loss and ache some days more than others. Today was one of the hardest in a while and I really felt like there was no one I could talk to about it. So...sorry for the LONG post and thank you for letting me vent!