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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Sat, 07-21-2012 - 11:01pm

As most of you know, I'm new to this.  I lost my son, Cash Ryan, June 5th @ 38 weeks d/t a true knot in the cord.  Now I feel guilty doing anything.  We took my stepdaughter (she is 4 & with us most of the time)  to the aquarium yesterday & she loved it....the whole time I kept feeling bad because my son.  I know I'll never have any of these experiences with Cash & he will never experience anything here with us.  Anyone else have this issues? Words of wisdom? I'll take any thoughts at this point.    Kind of like why should I have any normalcy in my life again.  When I do go do a few normal things I then come back home or go to the cemetery & sob forever.  It's not fair to cut my family out & no longer enjoy activities with them, but I feel so sad/guilty that Cash is not with us. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2002
In reply to:
Tue, 08-07-2012 - 9:01am

So sorry to hear your story. My son was stillborn 13 years ago at 37 weeks. At the time it felt like the end of the world. Time really is a great healer and we were lucky enough to have our daughter the following year.

Hard as it is, there comes a time when you have to continue with your life. Don't feel guilty about doing things to make yourself and others happier. That really does help the healing process and does nothimg to change what has happened. You are not being disrespectful. Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2007
In reply to:
Sun, 08-05-2012 - 6:34pm

I am so sorry that Cash is not in your arms right now.  My youngest child, Ethan, was stillborn in 2007 at 36 weeks.  The "every day" that comes after is so difficult.  Those feelings of "someone's missing" were an ever present feeling for me in the first few months.  Now, 5 years later, they can still creep up on me sometimes.  One thing that I tried to always tell myself was that it was okay to feel whatever I was feeling.  If you are sad, that's okay.  If you are mad, that's okay.  It's okay to cry, but it's also okay to laugh and to enjoy life. It takes time, but there is still joy in small things. At first, I would feel guilty for laughing or having fun, but our babies would never want us to be sad forever. 

A book that I read not too long after Ethan's death, and that I have read several times since then, is "An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination" by Elizabeth McCracken.  (I may have misspelled her last name). There were so many things that she verbalized that I had felt; it helped me realize that I am not alone in these feelings and that I was not crazy.

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. ((Hugs)) to you.



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 11:04am

Wondering how you're doing....   please let me know how you're feeling...  

Kristen--Cash isn't alone...  I know there are no arms better than his Mother's to be in.  But I have to believe our sons are not **LOST** to us.  Our time with them is delayed--but not lost.

I had to come to some kind of understanding within myself to where my son was and that he was OK.  I have things here I have to do--but when our time comes, and it will--I will get to be a Mother to him as well. 

(((HUGS)))  I wish there was more I could do to help.  I'm here if you need me, anytime. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Sat, 07-28-2012 - 7:51am


I had terrible guilt about doing anything.  I spent a great deal of time wanting to be with my son--no matter where my son was I felt he needed his mother and I wanted to be there too.  It took me quite awhile to work through not being with him and able to figure out a way to move forward. 

There are moments in my life that I still have feelings of guilt that he isn't with me in whatever I'm doing.  But I know my son is still with me and around me.  I know he would want me to be happy.  It took me awhile to *feel* he was with me--but as I did, it helped me start doing more in life. 



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2001
Re: Guilt
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 5:23pm
Like Kiki, I lost my angels in the first trimester. I am sorry you feel so much guilt. With my losses I tried to approach the guilt from a different angle. My DD is 8 and I felt I owed it to her to be all I could. It breaks my heart that my angel babies aren't a part of the things we do but DD deserved to have all of her mommy. I know it's different with a step-child but maybe as time goes on you will see it that way. I truely feel that my angels wouldn't want their sister to loose out because they had to. Does that make sense? Let me add tht I didn't feel like that for weeks and weeks. Unfortunatly I think the guilt is part of the grieving process.

I know it's been said but it's so one, especially a mother, deserves this pain. A child is not meant to leave this world before its parents an it will never feel natural or okay. (((HUGS)))

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