My Story

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
My Story
Tue, 07-10-2012 - 4:00pm

I was told sharing my experience would help so here it goes....please excuse rambling/typos because i'm crying just thinking about it.

June 4th I woke up happy as can was my first wedding anniversary & I had felt my son, Cash Ryan, moving at 5:30 a.m. as I woke up to tell my husband I loved him & how lucky we were to be so in love and getting ready for the arrival of our first child together.  My husband has a 4 yr old who is with us most of the time, but this was my first pregnancy/child.  He left for work & I went to bed since this was the first day I had decided to start my maternity leave.   I was 38 weeks 2 days pregnant & wore out!  I'm a RN in the operating room. 

Around 9:30 a.m. my blood pressure went up some & I felt like my son wasn't moving as much. He was always very active.  My bp had been an issue since 34 weeks but all urine & bloodwork had been good for preeclampsia, and my bp was being managed by oral medication.  I sent a text message to my OB, he was out of town so he told me to text his PA....she told me to come in the office & see her.  I still didn't think it was a big deal, my bp had been up some so I thought maybe they would induce me.  I called my husband & he came straight home from we went bags packed to my OB's office. 

They hooked me up to an NST, which I had just had one 3 days before where Cash had kicked it off me the whole time & I had to hold it in place.  It was perfectly fine 3 days before.  They hooked me up & his HR was 145, then it was gone...I didn't panic because the 4 previous ones I had done he always kicked it off place.  My husband went out & grabbed the PA, she couldn't get it to pick up, even with a doppler she only got 59...she had never had a problem before even when I was early on. 

Next they said let's do an ultrasound to see what was going on...I was still thought everything was ok...I had a healthy baby...I had just seen his HR, felt him early in the am.  During the US I saw the horror on the PA & us tech faces...I screamed what is going on...they said Cash's HR was really low and i needed to rush for an emergency c-section. (my ob's office is connected to the hospital) we ran down there, i was sobbing stripping as fast as I could, throwing my jewelry off, jumping onto the stretcher, about that time my OB's partner came in & did another US & Said i'm sorry...there is no HR...and turned the monitor to show me all 4 ventricles...nothing.  I screamed/cried made them do it again.  then i begged for a c/s to try to save my baby...I had ran codes on kids, why not try to my child I thought. 

At 5pm I started the process of being induced....long story shortened...I had to have 2 epidurals because the first one wore off. During delivery the next day I pushed for an hour & 2nd epidural wore off, my son had severe shoulder dystocia & was stuck.   If he would have been alive they would have had to convert to c/s to avoid further injury to him.  Also, his head pushed the foley cath out of me with the balloon still inflated.  During delivery my OB (oh who left what he was doing on june 4th out of town to come back to see me & be there for my delivery) discovered I had a true knot in my cord.  He held up the flat white strip with the knot in it.  Finally, June 5th @ 1:20 pm I delivered my son, 7 lbs 3.5 oz, 20" long....he was beautiful & perfect.  It was the best/worst day of my life...I finally became a mother & was able to hold my beautiful son, however it was horrifying knowing I would never hear him cry, be able to take him home with me. I had seen many cases of fetal demise...taken care of women/babies who died from anywhere from 6 weeks until 38 weeks....nothing could've prepared me for this. 

Now I don't know how to exist in a world without my's too overwhelming.....I don't know how anyone survives this type of loss. 

Thank you for allowing me to share this.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2008
Re: My Story
Sat, 08-04-2012 - 12:58am

I'm so sorry for your loss, and for all of the new moma's on this board.  I haven't been on this board in over 2 years, but I just was just dropping by to see what this board is like now. 

We lost our daughter Marley Kai on June 24th 2008 at 33 1/2 weeks. I'm not going to tell you that time heals, but time does help you deal with your loss, you will find that as time does go on your grief is still there but it's easier to deal with.  Grief is just one big roller coaster filled with ups and downs and twists and turns.  Give yourself time to grieve and let yourself grieve!!  I'm so happy you have found a councelor, you should contact the hospital that your had your son at and see if they have a group that you could go to for families experiencing loss, I found that helped so much! just seeing and talking to other mothers and fathers who had lost a baby.

Not sure if you have heard of this amazing non profit organization at all but it's called Molly Bears, This wonderful lady makes weighted Teddy bears (to the same weight as your baby) I have my Marley Bear and I love just holding her and it's so comforting.

Sending you loads of hugs, peace and strength


<P>Mummy to Marley Kai born into Heaven and Nathaniel Tamati born kicking and screaming Jan 2010