New comer and her story

Avatar for DianeRayne
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2013
New comer and her story
Sun, 03-10-2013 - 9:18pm

Hey there everyone.

My name is Diane and I just signed up on the site here.. Uhm.. I've tried talking about this online once before but never really helped. Hopefully this will :)

I was 19 years old, going through an extremely rough time with money, living situations, stress, etc. You named it, I had it piled on top. I found out i was pregnant about... well once I started showing, honestly. My period had always been haywire, randomly never showed up, and so on. But since I kept bleeding once in a while, I thought nothing of it. I was sick with pneumonia and a sinus/ear infection so I never guess I was pregnant.
With no money or insurance, I wasn't able to get any form of ultrasound or appointment until I got on medicaid and I was already so late finding out I was pregnant that it wasn't until about my 7th/8th month that I finally got an appointment. Everything was great and dandy, my husband at the time and I were watching the baby inside, the technician was taking shots of the inside and we were all happy. The tech asked us if we'd like to know the sex of the baby and we looked at one another and said yes. We were blessed with our little girl, Lily Elizabeth Noel. We were so happy for a little girl like we both wanted, scared because money was so tight, and anxious to see her. The tech said he was going to talk to someone real quick and left us. We were distracted by my mother and sister asking for names, where we'd go, all the details. We soon noticed that the technician had been gone for almost half an hour. When he finally returned, he told us that we had to go see my first orignial OB and preferably today. They made the appointment in half an hour for me.
No details. Nothing.
Confused, we left the tech, and traveled to the other Dr. not thinking anything of it, just that we were in a hurry for the baby so perhaps that was all.

My husband and I were shoved into a room and waited even longer this time for someone to come in. It was a man we had never met, another Dr. But of a psycologist kind.
He set down a piece of paper, drew two diagrams of a brain and looked at us.
"Your baby has extreme hydrocephalus in her brain."
I looked at my husband, who looked just as confused as I was. What the hell was he talking about?
He then explained to us what had happened: sometime during the pregnancy, our babies spinal fluid sacs had flooded and pushed all her grey matter in the brain to the sides, allowing nothing to grow. She had no brain.
We made no movements as he drew the difference between a regular brain and our Lily's. And we had one of several choices.
We could abort the child, we could have her and she'd be in the most basic terms, a vegtable or that we could drain the fluid in her head, hope for the best and give birth naturally as a C-section could potentionally kill me.
He left us and my husband and I turned to one another, and just fell to pieces.
We went to several specialists all in the time frame of a few weeks, got our hopes up and then crushed repeatedly, before we were forced to make a desicion because I needed to get the baby out with induced labor within that day.
With not wanting to put my daughter through any pain, not have her live her life just laying there, not aware of anything, not able to smile, laugh, speak, walk or even think... we, in my minds eye, killed our baby.
I just remember laying there on the table, alone besides a few dr's I had never met before. The kindest nurse I'd ever met just held out her hand to me: I grabbed it and they slipped a needle inside my stomach to drain our childs head, and within almost minutes, she was gone.

After I was induced and had Lily, we both got to hold her.
We held our little angel in our hands, a beanie over her head to cover her caved in skull. She had brown hair and the most beautiful green eyes I had ever seen.

I've never really... TALKED to anyone. Anytime I tried talking to my husband, he just seemed confused about everything. It's like we were seeing two completely different memories.
Any time I tried to talk to a family member, it never helped. At all.
All I see is Lily in my dreams. I wake up from nightmares with her in them, I can't sleep because I'm scared I'll dream of her. It's affecting my life much more than I'd honestly like to admit.
I don't really know what to do anymore. Being broke, almost losing my home with my family, my husband and I getting a divorce because I don't want to be with him anymore... I'm being told I'm depressed but..
I just don't know anymore.

(apologies for any typos, I honestly just wrote this all out in one go without re-reading anything)

Avatar for Cmmelissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Mon, 03-11-2013 - 3:29pm

Huge (((HUGS))) Diane, I'm so incredibly sorry about the loss of your precious baby girl :(  

You did not kill your baby.  You were faced with horrible circumstances were there really was no good solution.  Your baby was lucky to have parents who love and cherish her, even if she didn't get the chance to live.   I think it's the guilt that totally eats you up, but it's easier said than done to stop feeling guilty.  Please don't blame yourself, just keep saying to yourself that you did everything you could do.  

While time does heal, it won't take away all the pain.  You just find a way to get through each day, to learn to live with the new "normal" you've been dealt.  Everyone grieves differently, I'm not sure how long it's been, so it's hard to say if you are depressed or not.  There is no time table to follow, but you do need to have a outlet for your grief.   Talking it out is important, just know we are here to listen to you.  You could also see if there is any counseling available to you through Medicaid, or even a local grief support group.  


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2001
Fri, 03-15-2013 - 3:24pm
Diane, I am so sorry for the loss of your little angel. I dont usually post on the boards anymore but your story made me feel an overwhelming need to. You did NOT kill your baby. You made a choice as a mother to protect we the only way you still could, saving her from a life of possible suffering for an unknown amount of time. Out jobs as mommies (and yes, you ARE a mommy) is to do whatever we can to alleviate the pain and suffering of our children and you did that for her. You were strong and made an impossible decision from a horrible situation. We as mothers are made to feel guilty about every choice we ever make. You made the right choice for your little girl. I know no amount of words can stop your pain. While I have has miscarriages, I have never lost a child that far along and can't imagine what your going through. I hope at some poin you are able to find some peace in your heart. (((HUGS)))

Jenn (28) & DH Zach (28)
Married 9/24/2005