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|Sun, 08-26-2012 - 2:23am|
I am new here, love reading all of the other stories.. thought I would finally share my own.
We have 2 daughters, 9 and 6. Had an "surprise" pregnancy and was due September 16. In the beginning I was in shock, I was scared and the thought of another child and starting all over really freaked me out. Now all of that seems superficial. Very normal, text book pregnancy. I went in for a regular ob visit on July 6 (I had my girls with me) and the doctor was unable to hear a heartbeat(30wks). It was awful. I had to call my husband at work, my mother 425 miles away, a friend to come and take my kids and then I had to go home a crush my children's dreams of a new little sister. Worst thing ever was telling my daughters at the office that I needed to have more tests run, they would go home and I would see them later, my oldest daughter reached out and touched my stomach and said "I bet she is just being stubborn Momma" I knew she was already gone. It was horrible.
I went into the hospital, deliver her the following morning at 11:15 sleeping. She was so cute and looked just like our 2nd daughter. We held her for a few hours and then said good bye. It was hard to leave the hospital the next day empty handed and then going home as my breasts filled with milk...cruel!!
I never thought this would happen to us. I did not realize it happened so much. I thought if we made it past the 1st trimester, we were fine. I was angry, sad and I had so much guilt. It has been almost 2 months and I feel so different than I did when we first came home. My girls speak of Hope often and we have painted a matching birdhouse with wings to match theirs to hang on the fence in our backyard. My youngest daughter wants to sit by the cabinet where Hope's remains are placed in an urn during dinner.
My husband and I have decided to try again. We have a doctor's appointment on Monday and plan to speak with her then. I think making the decision has brought us more peace too. We do not want to replace or ever forget Hope, but our house/family was ready for a baby...not having one now feels a little incomplete. My husband and I have set a few guidelines for this time around though.
I am glad there is a group like this, so inspiring and many of your words are helpful and exactly how I am feeling too.