iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2008
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 10:47pm

i have
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2009
In reply to: autumn12308
Thu, 02-11-2010 - 8:16am

*hugs* I answered your post on the other board. Just in case you come here first:

I feel for you!! I'm sorry this is so long, but the only thing I have to offer to help is my own experience:

My niece and I were due at the same time (our first due dates were the exact same day, in fact!) and we have pictures of us touching bellies together when we were 7 months pregnant at her baby shower.
Sadly, Jimmy died on November 13 and her baby was born healthy a week early on December 1st.
That family gathering on Christmas was something that I was dreading. How could I look at her with her sweet newborn baby that is exactly how my dead son should be?? I did a LOT of praying, let me tell you!! I talked to my husband about it and he said that it was very important that I not ruin their first Christmas with their first child. I agreed with him, but boy, that was hard to swallow....
So I called their mother on the phone and told her to tell them that I said not to feel uncomfortable, that I was happy for them, and as long as they would be understanding if I cried, that we would all be ok.
The day before we had our gathering, I spent 10 hours working on Jimmy's scrapbook and bawling my eyes out. 10 hours of crying and working on Jimmy stuff...the next day, I was all cried out. I tried to focus on allowing them to be joyful in the birth of their first child, and I even held her. It was bittersweet.
The point is, I survived, and I didn't fall apart. The key I think was to do the 10 hours of crying the day before and try really hard to let them be happy.

Since you have other children, I'll tell you the other thing that helped me cope. Just promise you won't think I'm crazy?
My husband and I have 3 children combined, although Jimmy would have been our first child together. The niece and nephew, their baby was their first. I thought about it this way: What if their baby had died instead of ours? They are newlyweds, and this was their first baby...God promises to never give us more than we can bear (1 cor. 10:13) and that may have been more than they could bear. We live in a fallen world, and bad things happen...I believe this. What if we "took the bullet" for them? It makes the loss a little easier to bear, thinking that I might have prevented the pain from happening to someone else, and that God thinks so highly of me to give me such an enormous responsibility...and it makes Jimmy seem like a little soldier for God.
I know it sounds crazy, but thats what helps me cope when I see her with her little baby and loving on her when it reminds me of Jimmy and how I should be holding him. I still fall apart at home, but all of these coping things help me to at least make it through the family gatherings.

I hope there is at least one thing in there that can help you.

Lilypie Maternity tickers

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2010
In reply to: autumn12308
Thu, 02-11-2010 - 7:26pm

First let me say I am very sorry for your loss and that you are not alone!

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2007
In reply to: autumn12308
Thu, 02-11-2010 - 8:30pm

Welcome sweetie. I am very sorry.

I was pregnant with a baby I lost at 11.5 weeks at the same time my SIL was pregnant. I lost the baby and she has

              *Praying for my best friend, my Dad*