I can't believe what my husband said...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2008
I can't believe what my husband said...
3
Sat, 12-12-2009 - 10:52pm

So long story short my husband and I were talking about my MIL who made a spur of the moment trip to my SIL/BIL house out of state. And then told me today that they were not coming here for xmas. They've come here for every Christmas for the last ten years! Supposedly we are not exchanging gifts either because they are short on cash. I don't know if I'm being paranoid or what, but I think she is pregnant. I think they are trying to not upset me so they are avoiding me or not wanting to make x-mas awkward (they have been trying). But anyways, so we were talking and I brought up the idea to him. Now we were texting cause he is deployed. And he said to me "why would it bother you?" Ummm, it hasn't even been 3 months since our baby died. And I tried to explain the best I could, it does still bother me that I am not pregnant. I'm suppose to be 35 weeks at Christmas.

And then he says, "well baby she is better off". Referring to our baby Hope. She was diagnosed at 15 weeks with Turners Syndrome. A chromosome issue that would have effected her, her whole life. I cannot believe that he said this to me. I don't think our baby is better off dead. She would have been better off being born and having us as parents. I would have loved her and cared for her through thick and thin. He tried to explain that it is not what he meant. But the damage was already done.

I hated it when people told me after I lost her, how it was best for her and our family. And how it was meant to be. And then I have to hear it from my own husband? It's never a blessing to lose a child. If people don't know what to say, fine, don't say anything. But don't tell me, my daughter is better of dead.

http://0urkorner.blogspot.com/

             &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2008
Sat, 12-12-2009 - 11:26pm

I have found that my husband and I process the loss of our little boy VERY differently.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2008
Sun, 12-13-2009 - 7:42am
Bluntly, men just don't get it. Seriously. It has put a lot of stress on my marriage as my spouse has said a lot of stupid similar things to me and doesn't get why I don't want to be around babies. I did whatever made me feel comfortable. Last year ( my first since the loss) I bought my son a special ornament for the tree and I also bought a 'Baby's First Christmas' teddy bear to put on the firplace mantle with our stockings. I know everyone kind of though "why is she doing that?" Do what makes you happy. Try to understand that your husband will probably never feel the grief you do. For them the attachment doesn't normally happen until the baby is here. He may very well believe that she is in a better place. Tell him you understand that he feels that way but tell him it hurts to hear that. Tell him you don't need him to do or say anything to support you but what you do need is for him to understand that it is different for you and that what you are feeling is okay. Also grief has no timeline so it may take months or years. I feel for you. I hate being around babies and pregnant women and it has been 18 months since my loss. I just started to be around them again but I don't want to be still. I just couldn't avoid them anymore. I hope you have some support. Take care

Cindy age 38, DH 44


http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/218a4d


Chemical pregnancy Aug 5th 2009 Levon lost @ 28 weeks due to a cord accident June 19th 2008. TTC for 18 cycles and counting :(


 

 

 

 

Cindy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2008
Sun, 12-13-2009 - 9:41am

Thanks ladies, it wasn't a fight or anything. I just said lets not talk about this over skype. He will be home next month and we can talk about things then. I know I can't expect him to know how I feel. But it is still very upsetting to see pregnant mommy's or newborn baby girls. It upsets me every time I have to go to the baby aisle and get my DD diapers or clothes. And my cousin's due date is 3 days after "what" was mine. She sent me an email asking me if I wanted to go to her baby shower and I just told her I couldn't. It would be too much for me. And my sisters old roommate is due next month, I had to see her a lot after our loss. It was horrible, she had the nerve to ask me once if I wanted to feel the baby move. If she wasn't pregnant I would have punched her or something.

Once my man is home I hope I can vent to him. But I feel like I'd be ruining his leave when my emotions.

http://0urkorner.blogspot.com/

             &nbs