New Here

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2011
New Here
8
Thu, 09-15-2011 - 12:48pm

In February of this year, my husband and I found out that we were expecting a child. My head was spinning with happiness, nervousness, fear, anxiety, and sheer excitement. Immediately, I began gathering information, reading online, talking to people that had had a baby before,etc. My whole life I knew I wanted to be a mom, and when I found out I was pregnant I couldn't describe how happy I was. My husband was ecstatic. Then, on August 19th, I went to the hospital because I was having contractions. This was extremely scary for me because I knew I wasn't due until November, and at 10:23 the doctor informed me that there was no heartbeat and that my beautiful precious little Michael Aaron had passed away. For the next three days, I was in the hospital knowing full well that I was going to have to deliver my son that had already passed away. I was 27 weeks. It's been 4 weeks, and I'm still trying so hard to cope with my sadness. I'm still trying so hard not to blame myself. I know I didn't do anything wrong, but trying to make myself believe that it's not my fault is more difficult than most people realize. On August 24th, we had a graveside service for my precious little angel. I'm supposed to go for a 4 week check up on Tuesday. I guess the question I'm wondering is does it ever become easier? And if I get pregnant again soon, how do I keep from being so nervous and stressed out? How do you do it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2011
In reply to: candaced89
Thu, 09-15-2011 - 9:14pm
I don't have any advises to offer regarding your questions. I just want to reach out to say I know how you feel. We got pregnant in April and I just lost our baby boy Marcus on 9/11/11. He was 21 weeks, just past the half way mark. I'm still trying to grieve and understand what went wrong. I want to find out but I'm so dreadful for my next appt facing a room full of pregnant women. I don't know if we even think about getting pregnant at this point even though many people said that's the best way to move on. I'm not ready to move on. I don't want to move on so quickly. Even when I'm all back to normal physically, I'm still healing emotionally. Life will never be the same for us. I wish you luck when you are ready. Hope you find out the cause and share with me if you don't mind.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2011
In reply to: candaced89
Fri, 09-16-2011 - 9:53am

I completely understand how you're feeling. It's like you feel if you move on, then you're doing a disservice to your son. I feel the same way. I'm afraid to be happy again. I'm afraid that if I do then people will see me as being a bad mother. I just keep telling myself that no matter what the people that truly love me will understand that I have to do what I have to do to make myself okay again. I also feel as if I'm faking a lot of the time. My husband, of course, is grieving, but he grieves in a different way. His way of dealing is to not deal with it. However, I just feel empty. I mean your whole life is based around this tiny infant growing inside you, and in one second it's ripped away. I was so angry at the doctors at the hospital because they made me deliver him, and they were asking if I wanted to hold him when he came out. At first, I wasn't sure that I could. But when he came out, I looked at his sweet tiny little face, and his tiny little hands and his tiny little feet. He looked so much like me. I guess, in a way, it helped me with the closure. I'm supposed to go back to the doctor this Tuesday. Hopefully, we will find out what happened. We elected not to do an autopsy, but we did do a biopsy. If it was some sort of chromosomal issue, we should know by then. I want you to know that I'm praying for you. I know the pain you feel. I wish you didn't feel this pain. Would Marcus have been your first? Michael would have been mine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2011
In reply to: candaced89
Fri, 09-16-2011 - 11:13am
I know everyone deals their pains differently, especially men and women. I'm alot more emotional and I want to talk to grieve. My husband was more action driven. He seemed to be ok. He was more concerned about me. But out of blue I'll see tears rolling down his face. And I know he's also in pain. We had time to discuss if we wanted to hold Marcus. He made most decisions because I couldn't. I'm really glad we did hold him to say good bye properly. I was already 9 cm dilated when we got to the hospital. We live close to NYC and there were a lot of traffic for 9/11. But my water hadn't broken. Doctor wanted to break my water immediately. I'm glad we didn't and held off for another 12 hrs because we were not ready to say good bye to him. I had more time to prepare. I still felt his kicks when i was pushing. Like you said, I also wasn't sure I had the strength to hold him. But when I saw him, I just wanted to hold him. He was perfect inhis own little way... His 10 fingers, 10 toes, down to all the finger nails. He weighed 14 oz. I couldn't let go. That was our perfect boy that I had always wanted. And he looked just like his daddy.

We do have a 16 mo old daughter. She gives me strength to keep going. It's easier to have another one around but it's also harder. I have to fake it around her because she doesn't understand but she does sense something wrong. I have very strong support group from family member to local moms who went thru the similar losses. I hope you do too. Please don't isolate yourself. We are definitely not alone. I wish more people have talked about it. It's only afterward, I found this has also happened to many of my friends, maybe not as late as ours. I now know how to relate and I wished I could have been there for them.

I hope you found an answer to your questions. I don't know what I hope to be the answer. Doctor said mine could be due to infection which makes me wonder if I could have done things differently or more carefully. I'll find out for sure in a few weeks. I pray this never happens to anyone again. No one deserves to send their baby away like we had to.
Avatar for Cmmelissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
In reply to: candaced89
Tue, 09-20-2011 - 2:16pm
I'm so sorry about the loss of your little boy, sending you lots of (((HUGS))). I don't know if it gets easier, but what other members have said is that you find a way to cope, find a new "normal" that helps you get through each day. When you do get pregnant again, please share all of your fears with your doctor so that they will be willing to do as many checks, ultrasounds, etc. that you'll need to get through it.

Avatar for Cmmelissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
In reply to: candaced89
Tue, 09-20-2011 - 2:19pm
marcusi, wanted to send you some (((HUGS)), I'm so sorry that you also lost your little boy. Everyone grieves differently, and getting pregnant again isn't always the answer. Take the time you need to heal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2008
In reply to: candaced89
Wed, 09-21-2011 - 4:00am

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2008
In reply to: candaced89
Thu, 09-22-2011 - 12:33pm

I'm sorry about your Michael.

Susan
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2011
In reply to: candaced89
Thu, 09-22-2011 - 7:14pm

Well, I guess my biggest fear is that it will happen again. I went to the doctor this past Tuesday for my 4 week postnatal check up. The nurse that got my information asked if I had brought my baby. It hit me like a knife in my stomach. But, it did help a lot going the doctor. She told me that basically the placenta was deformed somehow, and it was causing me to have gestational diabetes and high blood pressure. It was giving me too much, but wasn't giving him anything. It was doing exactly the opposite of what it needed to do. She told me that the chances of this happening again are slim to none. Hearing that helped a lot, but I know that there's going to be a huge fear of this happening again once I get pregnant again. But, I feel a great peace within myself. I feel like I'm going to have an easy pregnancy the next go around. I had so many issues during this past one. I knew in my heart from day one that it wasn't going to be a normal pregnancy. I never dreamed that what happened would've happened. I kept thinking I was just being overly analytical, but unfortunately, I wasn't. I don't know. I just pray every day for this to get easier and for me to be able to truly cope with it. I feel like I'm having to drag myself out of a hole every day with no shovel or anything. This really did change me. In a way I can't begin to explain.