Thinking about TTC again

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2010
Thinking about TTC again
7
Wed, 02-17-2010 - 10:29am
I cant believe that its been almost 18 months since we lost our darling baby daughter Sienna, she would be two years old in April, and my heart is breaking.
I am very spiritual, and I do Sense her with me, which is comforting but I ache to hold her in my arms, and dream of seeing a happy, healthy little girl toddling around now. My son, who is nearly three misses her lots, and talks about her too.

We are thinking of trying again in the summer. But I am so scared, and anxious that its making me doubt myself. I can't help but think of all the what ifs.
a big part of me envies people that have never lost a baby because they have the innocence that I used to that everything will be ok.
But now, I know that its not always the way. With Sienna we reached all the milestones,
12 weeks less risk of miscarriage
24 weeks - viability
29 weeks - when my ds was born
32 weeks - when sienna was born and they thought she'd only be in for a few weeks as she was doing so well in the beginning, it wasn't until she was five and half months old that she lost her fight in Nicu :(


And from joining SANDS I know so much about things that can go wrong, to the point that I've completely lost the innocence and joy of planning/ hoping for a baby.


I don't want to offend anyone with this, but just needed to let it out, its not something I feel I can say to friends/ family as I know it comes across wrong.


I really would love to have another baby, for my son to have a brother or sister here with him, to grow up with. But I just don't know how I'd cope with all these fears.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2007
Thu, 02-18-2010 - 12:47pm

Oh sweetie, that was heartbreaking. I wish I could give you a hug.


You are welcome here always. Spring is the hardest for me. Its such a cycle of sadness. Birth, pregnancy, loss, due dates that never became reality. So many of them that I dread the end of winter at times.


But then the beauty of spring always surprises me.


Welcome to you and Sienna.

              *Praying for my best friend, my Dad*


 &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2010
Fri, 02-19-2010 - 2:39am

Thank you for replying. Today is a better day, but I am finding that i'm having

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2007
Fri, 02-19-2010 - 1:43pm

What a wonderful idea about

              *Praying for my best friend, my Dad*


 &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2010
Tue, 02-23-2010 - 7:15am

Hi saffron im really sorry to hear about ur loss... it must be really hard

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2007
Tue, 02-23-2010 - 3:02pm

Hi and welcome to the board. You made a really insightful post.


Its hard when someone your close to is pregnant isnt it?


My SIL and I were due 6 days or so apart. I lost my baby at 11.5 weeks and she gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, who has Hemi Cerebral Palsey.

              *Praying for my best friend, my Dad*


 &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2010
Thu, 02-25-2010 - 11:19am

You have helped, thank you x x


Its such a rollercoaster of a time, I have my 'down' days when it all feels too much and I think I can't cope with it. Then somewhere I find some strength inside of me to go for my dreams. Its exhausting!


After Sienna died I got depression and panic attacks, I was on anti-depressants and counselling, but am now managing without (just about!)


Having my son to look after definitely helped to pull me through each day, he gave me a reason to get up each morning, but also I've found it hard, because I've been grieving for his loss too. The loss of his baby sister.


And in a way thats what scares me about trying again, because I don't know how i'd cope if something went wrong again, but also I don't want my son to suffer anymore. I love him so much, and want him to be happy, I want him to have another baby brother or sister so much.


I think in a way the longer I put it off, the harder it becomes. So I

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2010
Thu, 02-25-2010 - 1:34pm

Hi there.

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers