Where do we go from here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2010
Where do we go from here?
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 8:03am

Hello everyone,

This is my first time writing and on the site. My husband and I just lost our first little girl one week and two days ago. We have been married for seven years and had been trying for about 8 months. We were so excited when we first found out we were expecting. We then found out it was a little girl, everyone in the family was so excited seeing that it was the first girl in his family. At our 34 week check up we found out the life changing news that they were not able to find a heartbeat. I wasn't able to feel any change in movement due to the position my placenta had

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2009
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 10:26am

I am so sorry you lost your daughter. So very, very sad. My heart goes out to you.

Where do you go from here? Well, its a long hard road, but it doesn't have to be so lonely....spending some time with other angel moms online can be comforting.
My husband and I lost our son Jimmy in November. He was 36 weeks and had a chromosome abnormality, although we don't know what kind.
4 months into it and I am doing better. I still miss him, I am still sad, but I have more hope and longer happy times in between the waves of grief.
Here is my list of support that has gotten me this far. Hope some of these things can help you as well:

1) God. My son's death brought me closer to Christ in a way that I have never before experienced and allowed me to reach other women who have been struggling. I have been carried through my grief by my faith in God and the people who have been praying for me. I have been reading the bible and going to church and Sunday school every week. I also joined the choir, which really helped give me an outlet as well.
2) Any and all grief books regarding stillborn and infant loss, especially "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart."
3) Still birth message boards/support groups, especially: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-ppstillborn and http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Stillbirth/support-group
4)Music...I play guitar and sing and have written a few songs about my Jimmy. Do you have any creative hobbies? Planting a garden, writing poetry, painting pictures, sewing, baking, or just about anything you can do with your hands to create something beautiful or useful.
5)Grief counseling. I go once a week, and it is wonderful. I really don't know what I would do without it. I see a private counselor, but I have heard amazing things about Grief Share. If you are fortunate enough to have a group in your area, I would highly recommend going: http://www.griefshare.org/
6)Loving on my husband...I don't have a baby to dote on, but I can dote on him! And in turn, when I am upset or sad, he dotes on me. Find a new activity for the two of you to do together, whether it is watching a new show together on TV every week or planting some flowers on Saturdays or going for walks on Sunday afternoons.
7)TTC! When you are ready, the hope for a new life is a powerful, powerful healing gift.
8) Realize that your grief will come and go in waves. Roll with it, don't try to fight it. If you are out and about and feel the need to cry, please please please excuse yourself and go out to your vehicle if you need to and let it out. I went to a birthday party for a small child 6 weeks ago and had to excuse myself to my vehicle for 20 minutes to cry because there were so many babies in there.
You will have moments of anger, sadness, guilt, bitterness, jealousy, rage, fear, anxiety, and myriad other feelings you didn't even know you had. You will also have moments of laughter, peace, tranquility, comfort, and happiness. This is soooooo normal!! Your grief will be like waves, up and down. It's normal, and it is ok. Try to enjoy the good moments when you have them, and try to roll with the not so good ones when the come as well.
9) Scrapbook/memory box. The first 2 months I worked on a scrapbook for Jimmy. It has his pictures in it, the pictures of us when I was pregnant with him, and every milestone in our lives over 9 months that he was involved in. I had my husband write Jimmy a letter and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever read in my life. I worked on the scrapbook for hours some days and without fail, everytime I worked on that book I wept. It hurt. But I made a beautiful keepsake and put together many of my memories. In a way, it was like spending time with Jimmy and helped so much with the transition of life to death and letting go and saying goodbye. It was a focus for all those many hours of crying and I wound up with something amazing to show for all of my grief instead of just piles of kleenex (although I had those too!) I had never scrapbooked before, so I believe anyone can do it. I started out with a do-it-yourself kit from wal-mart and it grew from there.
Allow yourself to fully experience all of your emotions right now. I know its hard, and it can be scary, but its imperative that you let yourself feel whatever you need to feel. If you are angry, be angry. Yell at the sky, shake your fist, express yourself. If you are sad, cry. It is ok.
I made the mistake of going back to work 2 weeks afterwards and for me that was the wrong decision. I had planned to stay at home with my baby and assumed that since there was no baby I had to get back to the real world. Being gone from home for 12 hours a day did not allow me any time to grieve and having to hide my emotions all day was beyond exhausting both mentally and physically.
I wound up quitting my job 2 months later and couldn't be happier as I am finally getting the chance to heal. You don't have to quit your job to heal, I just wanted to stress the importance of allowing yourself to feel everything and be real about it. It is ok.
The first 6 weeks you really need to take as much time as possible for yourself. Do NOT try to move-on too fast! It will hurt you later. Take the time to rest, nap, cry, read, cuddle with a teddy bear or a blankie (yes, it is ok to revert to childish comforts I promise) and be good to your body. Eat right, get enough sleep....some women feel like their body failed them and don't like to take care of themselves after their baby dies. Please don't fall into that trap...your body did exactly what it was designed to do, and it was the only home your daughter ever knew. And what a beautiful, wonderful, sacred home it was! Continue to treat it as such.
The first month was really really hard. The second month was a little better, the third month was worse, and the fourth month I feel like I am finally accepting my loss and beginning to slowly move forward.
Everyone's timeline is different and everyone grieves differently, but I have found that the best support and comfort during my grief was to hear the stories and experiences of the women before me. I hope some of this will help you. God bless you, your husband, and your sweet little angel.




Edited 3/25/2010 10:32 am ET by ladykate1980
Lilypie Maternity tickers

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2007
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 12:18pm

Hi and welcome. I am SO sorry. How heartbreaking.

I lost mine 9 years ago. And at times, like yesterday, it feels like 9 minutes ago.

Getting through the day was the hardest thing I had to do. It seemed to take forever. And yet everyone elses life was moving foreward. And we are stuck in limbo it feels.

But then one day I noticed that I was smiling again. I wasnt laying on the couch with the curtians drawn shut. It happened so slowly I didnt even realize it.

Thats how healing works I think. Suddenly you realize you have been living.

Now, I cant tell how when this will happen. IT just does.

However, I can tell you that you are welcome here and you are amoung friends.


              *Praying for my best friend, my Dad*


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2010
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 1:28pm

I am so sorry for your loss!

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2010
Sat, 03-27-2010 - 8:32pm
Thank you so much everyone for you advice and prayers! I know that all the prayers are giving us strength to make it thru the days. I am so happy for all the advice and it has really helped us. Today we went for a hike which was a great way to clear the mind and find some kind of peace. I have also had a lot of time to be with friends and family. I find myself still thinking sometimes of what should have been, which I know is a dangerous place to be....But mostly I have been able to find a place for healing. Sorry for the rambling...I just wanted to thank all of you for your advice and I'm glad I have joined this group. Talking to other moms who this has happened too really helps!!!