37 sounds like a good age...my concerns...

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Registered: 04-08-2003
37 sounds like a good age...my concerns...
3
Thu, 02-02-2012 - 1:18pm
I've always said I wanted to be an 'older mom' if I decided to have a baby. 35 was always my magic number. Now I'm 35...stable marriage, good career, nice income...but 37 sounds better. I'm just not ready yet.

For quite some time, I was sure I wanted to be childfree. But lately, I could see us having a kid. No more than 1, however. And I've mentioned it to my husband, and we're both staying open to the idea since we both know how life can change...and while we both said it would be great to just travel the world and focus on ourselves, we can also both see the benefits of parenting, too.

I'm not one bit concerned about trying to conceive in my mid-late 30s, despite the fear mongers out there who would try to have you feel otherwise. It will happen or it won't. And there's no sense listening to the hype. I certainly refuse to have a baby, or consider even trying, until we are both certain it is what we want. So the negativity out there about 'older moms' is just silly, in my opinion. I've no interest in it.

Here's what holds me back from diving in feet first:
A) I'm nervous about having to utilize daycare. While my husband makes great money, I'd feel better having a 2-income household. At the same time, I really think I'd just want to be a SAHM, but again, I don't want to lose my substantial income, either.
B) Our support system lives 6 hours away (both my parents and his parents)
C) I'm scared of losing my freedom and spontaneity, especially since we couldn't just call our parents to watch the baby on a Saturday night (and in our new city, we aren't yet close enough to anyone to ask such favors) and we do love to go out to dinner rather often, which could change with a baby, but still....
D) And this is awful, but I see myself with a boy. I would want a boy sooooo badly. And I fear I would end up with a girl. (Please don't attack me for that, I just have nowhere else to share that raw honesty.)

My mom says to just stop worrying and go for it. That she could fly up to us whenever we need her....that she'd probably be around way more than we'd care for, despite the distance. : )

So I'm mulling it over for now. And 37? Sounds like a good number. Gives me a couple of years to really think it through. : ) Afterall, I used to stress about getting a puppy and how it would impact our freedom, etc, and while a puppy is NOT a human baby, I adapted very quickly and couldn't imagine not having him. He also helped bring out my maternal side and really made me realize that maybe I want to leave the door open to motherhood afterall.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2011
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 2:57pm

No attacks here! There are still a lot of women who are successfully able to get pregnant in the 30s and 40s. Even if you have to get a little help, fertility-wise, it sounds like you'll be both financially and emotionally prepared for whatever happens. I think it's smart not to worry about all the what-ifs when it comes to that, you can't change the past and it's better to wait until you are really ready to have a child.

When it comes to daycare, there are a lot of pros and cons. My kids have been in daycare and it really helped them socially and with some skills since they did preschool at a much earlier age. Is there any chance you can cut back the hours you work so you can still have come of the income but also be home more? My kids really enjoyed daycare, you know you made a good choice when they are excited to go, and run in without looking back. I always felt like my daycare provider was on my parenting team, it was important to me to think of them like that. We were in it together :)

We've never had family close by, jobs have kept us in different parts of the country. It sounds like they can be there when you need it, you'll make it work.

Babies are pretty portable, especially when they are infants. If you take them out in those situations regularly, you can make it work. While you might have to make some concessions in the toddler years, by then you might have more contacts or know people who can babysit.

I've had gender disappointment myself, for me I was able to deal with it better by finding out the gender before the birth. That gave me time to adjust and get excited for the baby I was having. There are ways to can try to sway the gender, you can always try that.

Take all the time you need to be comfortable with your decision, it's wise to think all of this through.

 photo abbysummer_zps85da8a35.jpg

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2008
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 11:14pm

Hi, you sound a lot like me when I was considering having children. I don't think 37 is too old--I'm 36 and considering a third.

One thing I would like to point out, however,

Avatar for junew70
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2011
Mon, 02-06-2012 - 12:33pm

Hello Xavery. I was completely in the same boat as you about 6 years ago, and had the exact same concerns you list below: daycare, no family nearby, my social life. (I never cared about the gender thing.) I work full time, had my daughter at age 37, son at 40.

Laughing I don't have much to say. Laughing