I want children but really don't want to be pregnant...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2012
I want children but really don't want to be pregnant...
4
Mon, 01-02-2012 - 1:32am

My internal clock is ticking, and I am really, really ready for children. But there are a few issues. First, I really don't want to be pregant. I'd love to skip that whole process and go right into the baby part. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way. The idea of my body changing and feeling things move inside me totally and completely freak me out. Most women say "oh, it's wonderful!". I'm glad they feel that way, but I don't share that thought. It scares me more than anything. I'm afraid that I will spend the whole 40 weeks freaking out about changes and movements I can't control. Despite this, my husband and I have tried to get pregant for 2.5 years unsuccessfully. I'm very unimpressed with my doctor who hasn't done much to help us out. We went into this knowing I'd have fertility issues because I have irregular cycles. My doctor has had us do 2 rounds of clomid, and nothing else. While initially I wasn't in a rush (as I really don't want the pregnancy, just the baby), now I'm starting to feel the pressure and desire to have kids. Also, we've looked into adoption, which I would love, but it takes forever and is incredibly expensive. Meanwhile, I'm finishing a doctorate degree and find that it's compounding the whole issue and our options, specifically from a financial perspective.

No matter what though, I'm finding my internal clock is ticking away. Most of my friends already have children, and the few who don't are now getting pregnant. While I'm happy for them, I'm finding it incredibly depressing. Each time I find another friend to be pregnant, I'm getting more upset. I really just don't know what step to take next. Do I change doctors, find a fertility specialist, and use pregnancy as a means to an end? Do I suck it up and wait until school is over so I can afford financially to adopt? I never thought I'd be "baby crazy" but I think I'm getting there. I feel like pregnancy, if I could get pregnant, would get me there quicker. Adoption would be more welcome from a physiological standpoint, but is expensive, takes a very long time, and comes with lots of scary steps and risks. Any advice would be welcome!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2005
I think you need to gather more information about all your options. You might consider talking to an obstetrician and a doula about your concerns about pregnancy. Knowing a little more about what you'll feel and why might make you more comfortable about it. And I would absolutely recommend getting a second opinion on the fertility treatments. If you feel your current doctor is unresponsive to your concerns you need to find someone who is. You could also talk to people about adoption. ivillage has a number of boards about adoption, and I'm sure you could find off site support groups out there. It might help to hear from folks who have BTDT, and could give practical advice on how to make the process as easy as possible.
Avatar for Cmmelissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008

A fertility specialist should be your next step if you are still wanting to get pregnant. I realize that it is pretty freaky to think about having this creature inside of you moving around, it's a hard concept to wrap your mind around. Although the movements can be pretty wild it also is very reassuring to have them; they are a sign that your baby is doing fine. I like bagpipe's suggestion to talk with an ob and/or doulas, sometimes having more knowledge can help to calm your fears.

We also have boards for fertility and pregnancy issues, you can find a complete list here: http://forums.ivillage.com/t5/Pregnancy-Parenting/ct-p/iv-parentpregz

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2011

I just wanted you to know I can't offer much advice since I don't have children yet but I can slightly relate to you dilemma. I too am surrounded by friends who all have children and I am getting close to 30 which I wanted to have my first child before then. At the current moment I'm am working at a home improvement store(not a place I wanted to be working while pregnant) and although my husband has a great job we still have some

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2011
I agree that you should find a new option, to at least see what's going on with your body and what your chances are of becoming pregnant. From a financial standpoint, if there is something they can do it would be cheaper than adopting. It will allow you to make a more informed decision on how you want to proceed. I wish I had some great advice about your fears of pregnancy, the only thing I can say is that it's a leap of faith. You just have to take each day as it comes, and you will have the time to adjust to the changes occurring in your body. Good luck with your decision!

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