I want children but really don't want to be pregnant...
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|Mon, 01-02-2012 - 1:32am|
My internal clock is ticking, and I am really, really ready for children. But there are a few issues. First, I really don't want to be pregant. I'd love to skip that whole process and go right into the baby part. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way. The idea of my body changing and feeling things move inside me totally and completely freak me out. Most women say "oh, it's wonderful!". I'm glad they feel that way, but I don't share that thought. It scares me more than anything. I'm afraid that I will spend the whole 40 weeks freaking out about changes and movements I can't control. Despite this, my husband and I have tried to get pregant for 2.5 years unsuccessfully. I'm very unimpressed with my doctor who hasn't done much to help us out. We went into this knowing I'd have fertility issues because I have irregular cycles. My doctor has had us do 2 rounds of clomid, and nothing else. While initially I wasn't in a rush (as I really don't want the pregnancy, just the baby), now I'm starting to feel the pressure and desire to have kids. Also, we've looked into adoption, which I would love, but it takes forever and is incredibly expensive. Meanwhile, I'm finishing a doctorate degree and find that it's compounding the whole issue and our options, specifically from a financial perspective.
No matter what though, I'm finding my internal clock is ticking away. Most of my friends already have children, and the few who don't are now getting pregnant. While I'm happy for them, I'm finding it incredibly depressing. Each time I find another friend to be pregnant, I'm getting more upset. I really just don't know what step to take next. Do I change doctors, find a fertility specialist, and use pregnancy as a means to an end? Do I suck it up and wait until school is over so I can afford financially to adopt? I never thought I'd be "baby crazy" but I think I'm getting there. I feel like pregnancy, if I could get pregnant, would get me there quicker. Adoption would be more welcome from a physiological standpoint, but is expensive, takes a very long time, and comes with lots of scary steps and risks. Any advice would be welcome!