I want kids...He doesn't

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2012
I want kids...He doesn't
2
Thu, 03-15-2012 - 8:56pm

Hi!

My boyfriend and I have been dating for awhile now. Just before we got together I had just come out of a 2 year marriage. He, on the other hand, just finished signing divorces papers of a 10 year marriage with two kids involved. He has a boy, who is almost 9, and a little girl, who just turned 7. Shortly after having his second child he got a vesectomy. He said that he was done having kids. He felt like he was pressured into everything, when he wasn't ready, during his marriage. First, actually getting married then having kids. I have never had a child of my own and I my original dream was to have 2. I want to have another child, but I don't want him to think that I am pressuring him. I just recently enrolled into college and I told him that I don't want to get married until I graduate and get a stable job to pay for everything. I also tried to reason with him on having children. I told him that I don't want to pressure him, but at the same time I would like for him to consider it. He just won't open his mind up to it at all. I have told him time and time again that I don't want a baby right now. I would like to wait until after I graduate and get a job. Then get married and have one. I just don't know how to show him how desparate to have one without coming on too strong and scaring him. I love this man with all my heart and I love his children, too. I just want a child to look at me the same way his kids do with their mommy. I don't want to loose him, but at the same time I don't want to forget about what I want.

What do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2011
Fri, 03-16-2012 - 5:40pm
I think you need to take a hard look at whether you should still stay with him or not. These feelings you have are not going to go away, and there are no guarantees that he'll want more children down the line. The fact that he got a vasectomy is pretty telling to me, and there's no guarantee that a reversal would even work either. No matter what you say, he's going to feel pressured and honestly, he should feel some. If he's determined not to have anymore, he needs to be upfront about that so you can move on and find someone you can have children with.

Chelsea

"Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open."

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2011
Wed, 03-21-2012 - 1:57pm
You have two options, you can either find someone else or wait and see how he feels after you graduate. How long will it be before you will be in a position to have children? If he still feels that he doesn't want kids when you are ready financially, that could be time wasted. It's a gamble, you should at least tell him how you feel. It doesn't need to be pressure, but he needs to realize how strongly you want children. Don't give up on your dreams, you'll only resent him later on for it.

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