New here!Wanting a 3rd but sooo torn!

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Registered: 05-08-2003
New here!Wanting a 3rd but sooo torn!
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Thu, 08-14-2003 - 3:38pm
I just read gtcmwong's discussion and am in a similar boat, but a little different. It helped so much to read the reply's , I thought I'd actually post my own! I have a dd who will be 3 Dec. 6th and a ds who is turning 1 Sept. 6th. I am fortunate to be a stay home mom and I looooove being a mommy. Now I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd be wanting more than 1 child before my 1st was born, but the second I saw her angelic face I knew I wanted at least 1 more and we were fortunate enough to get pregnant right away when my fertility returned after my dd's 1st b-day(delayed period due to breastfeeding). It wasn't easy goint through morning sickness and all the preg. woes while caring for a little one but I'm so glad we did it. 21 months apart seemed perfect and they are so adorably close all ready! Here I am again. Our original plan was to wait for a 3rd(which I knew I'd want the second ds was born) until ds is 3 and dd is 5. Well after my fertility returned a couple months ago, I found myself praying for an "accident"(we use "Pull-out" method since I didn't like IUD). An accident hasn't happened...but my dh was getting the picture and after we discussed it and he thought about it seriously, he decided we should go for it now. I know this is getting so lengthy..I'm sorry!. Well this thrilled me and I'm just getting period now, waiting for the big ovulation coming up this month in a couple weeks, but I'm finding myself laying awake at night wondering how I'll manage 2 little ones while morning sickness is killing me, and how I'll deal with 3 children under the age of 4. Or what if something goes wrong with me or the baby? I can't leave my healthy little babies I all ready have motherless should the worst happen. I do have some help with family but I can't always count on them as they are all very busy and my dh works all the time. Am I taking on too much? Pushing the envelope a little too far? I know I had all these worries when we decided to conceive #2, but it wasn't this bad. Not to mention friends and relatives all saying I'm crazy to want a third...that I'm asking for trouble. They make me feel so guilty, like I should just be happy I got away with 2 healthy childeren and shut up. I don't even talk to them about it any more. The truth is though, I just turned 30, I defitely would regret not having at least 1 more. I even see 4 as a possibility down the line. Should I just pray and leave this all in God's hands or should I wait a few more years? I so badly want to do this now...we loved the 21 month age difference. I know I'm rambling, forgive me. I'm so emotional over this right now it's horrible...I'm consumed by it and I should just be enjoying the 2 beautiful children I have. What is wront with me? Any input, thoughts, personal experiences, advice regarding this is so welcome. It would help me so much to connect with other women who feel the same as the only one's I know think I'm nuts.

Tracey

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Registered: 06-08-2000
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 4:22pm
Tracey~

I understand your dilemna so well. I am a mom to an almost 4 year old and a 16 month old and I'm sooo ready to have another baby. I knew when #2 was born that I wanted a 3rd. However, I'm fast approaching 35 and want to do this now. Dh is the one with the reservations at our house. He has the same worries...what if something happens to me...our two little ones wouldn't have a mommy. And I get the same impressions from family, not really my close friends, that we should be thrilled with the two we have and forget about having any more. And in some ways I can understand this...but I just feel like there is another baby out there just waiting for me to be its mommy. Is that weird? You definitely aren't alone in your desire for another baby or in your apprehensions over what another baby might mean to you and your family. Good luck in your decision.

Tracy

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Registered: 05-08-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 10:32pm
Tracy,

You are not crazy about knowing there is a little baby out there waiting for you. I feel the exact same way. I'm so surprised at my strong feelings to want more children! So many I know are positive they are done at 2 and their husbands get a vasectomy or they tie their tubes to make sure of it. It's so hard for me to understand that. It would be very hard for me to cut off the possibility so completely after only 2. I guess this truly was my calling in life.

The thing about our children being mommy-less is probably my largest fear here and dh's too. That is certainly a tough one to get past. I guess we just have to look at how rare this happens in our country at this time and know that it's more likely we may die from something else. However, I'm also very worried about pregnancy complications. I was lucky enough to have 2 very uneventful pregnancies besides the normal pregnancy problems, but I have heard about women on hospital bed rest for 2 months! Who on earth would care for my children if that happened???? The thought terrifies me. I really don't have people to count on that completely in the event that I had problems rendering me useless as a mommy. What do people do in that situation?

Well here I am going on again with all the scarey scenarios in my head! I can't see myself not going through with this when the big "O" time comes this month so I might as well just hand it over to God at this point right?

I hope that your husband comes around to your way of thinking if you truly want a 3rd. It sounds like you love being a mommy also and I wish you the best of luck. I'll probably stick around on this board for a while until I'm actually "with child". Hopefully I will be lucky enough to conceive the first month like I did with my other 2 because I don't know how I'd handle this battle in my head month after month!

Thanks for your response!

Tracey
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 08-17-2003 - 12:01am
oh my gosh! you sound sooo much like me! I had my third almsot two years ago and I threw up that entire pregnancy!!! I did daycare out of my home so I had seven kids running around and me puking all the time--NOT FUN--BUT I survived it! I can tell you that I told my DH more times than I can remember that we were sooo done having kids!!!

SOOO guess what??? I'm now agonizing over #4--so you do forget that awful period in your life. My first two are 18 months apart and my third was 3 yrs younger than my middle and 4 yrs younger than my oldest--three was definitely harder than two for me but I also had three four years and under--it's not easy--I hear peop;le tell me it's easy and then I find that there kids were older than that.

You have to expect that they won't be much help (although I had everyone telling me how lucky I was to have helpers--YEA RIGHT--)--BUt now two years later I think it was perfect--we're pretty much done having kids (I just have to get the right mind set) and the kids love and adore each other and they're close in age and I love it! I got the baby making days over with before they went to school and now it's just a blast!!!

I started feering the what if something happened to me so much after Brandon was born--never hit me til I had a third and suddenly envisioning my DH with three kids all alone=--BUT you can't have those fears stopping you if you really want one--

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Registered: 08-19-2003
Wed, 08-20-2003 - 12:31pm
I too understand your dilemma. When I had cancer, all I wanted was another child. I even had some people ask me if I thought it was humane to bring another child into this world when there is the possibility that I could die. But I couldn't think of it that way. I wanted another child to love, no matter how long I had to love them. Don't get me wrong, if having an additional pregnancy would have reduced my chances for survival, then I would have opted against it since I would do nothing that would take my ds's mommy away from him. I was lucky enough to get pg and have a healthy baby girl.

Now I am 33, have two healthy children and can't stop thinking about a third. Again, having another pregnancy is not going to increase my chance of having a reoccurance of cancer. But I do worry that everything I do to my body increases the risk of my children losing their mommy. Plus I do worry that a third child might not be healthy for any number of reasons and that our time and attention would be drawn to the third child, leaving less available for my first two children. I think many parents feel like that could happen.

I am with you in worrying. I don't know that there is ever an answer to that question. I guess you have to go with your heart on this one!

Tami

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Registered: 04-17-2003
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 7:34pm
Tracey,

I am so with you! I have the same debate going on in my head every day! I have an almost 4 yr old son and a 17 month old son and am totally wanting another. It is a much bigger decision for us than the decision to try for the second. I just don't feel complete. I am jealous of friends that are so certain that they are done. I am afraid that if we don't have another that I will always feel that something is missing. UGH! HAving 2 sons complicates it a bit, as everyone says "oh, you want to try for the girl, huh?". Of course I would love a daughter, but a third son would triple our blessings too. I don't worry TOO much about the complications, as 99.9% of pregnancies have positive outcomes, its more the day to day life/stresses of caring for 3 kids. I work part time and do have help at home, as well as a wonderful DH (who is unfortunately more on the fence than I am, but willing to go for it if I really want to)..I think we are going to just go for it later this fall? Lets keep in touch!

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Registered: 05-28-2003
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 10:29am
Wow I'm just like you! I have two sons - the first will be four in November and the second is 18 months. My husband recently told me he definately wants a third and since then I can't stop thinking about it! I want a third but I'm scared if I can handle it especially if its another boy. Also I get very sick in the first trimester, and I dread going through that with these two boys. But I love babies and kids so much, I'm officially obsessed!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2003
Sun, 10-12-2003 - 4:58am
Tracey- I feel this same exact way. The whole thing could have been my story. I know its been a couple mths since you posted this- if you raed this- let me know what you decided or how youre doing. :)
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Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 12:01am
I had baby #2 20 months after #1. We had a surprise #3 18mo later. Yes 3, 3 and under is alot of work. We have no family where we moved just after having #3. But I love it! I would highly suggest it to anyone that is very child centered and wants the big family feeling. We are now debating #4. We are overwhelmed enough to think maybe not. We started out wanting 4. A girl would be fun. I too wish I could just be sure and tie some tubes. If you do 3 you won't regret it! Jules
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Registered: 11-06-2003
Thu, 11-06-2003 - 4:44pm
Tracey, you will never regret having this child but you may regret NOT having him or her. I'm having a similar self battle with the to have #4 or not question. (husband all for it ) Best of luck. -Kris
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Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 3:50am
Tracey,

I too understand totally where you are coming from as I am new to the board with the same dilemma! I have just turned 34, and I was so sure 2 was it for me. Then believe it or not dh started recentlyonderful he thought a 3rd would be! I am torn now! I have a 7.5 year old dd and an almost 4 dd. They are both wonderful, beautiful healthy and happy girls. And no, dh isn't "trying for the boy", although I'm sure we'll hear plenty of speculation about that if we do get pregnant. He already has a son who is almost 16, and even though he never sees him (not his choice) I know that need for a son is put to rest. 3 girls would be fantastic, as would a son. And we are about to begin building on a new home with 4 bedrooms! I just keep thinking that4th bedroom may seem mighty empty! Another catch is I just returned to work (teaching) after a 3.5 year absence after the birth of #2. I really like what I do, although I know it isn't in the cards for me to do it forever, and I would be quitting for sure after 4 more years anyway. It's all part of our long term goals (we are building a real estate investment business). Wow! I am rambling but it sounds like I have semi-convinced myself after reading over this. I am just going to pray that God lets it happen if it's meant to, when the timing is right. I AM a "fertile Myrtle" though, so I just really need to be okay with it once I take that attitude or look out!

(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))and best wishes no matter how it goes!

Jen