Age Expectation Vent

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Registered: 07-01-2008
Age Expectation Vent
31
Tue, 07-01-2008 - 2:46pm

Hi, I'm a newbie here, but I'm thrilled to have found this place!

First of all, my dh made a bit of a surprising statement the other night. He just casually mentioned that maybe we were ready to "forego the birth control." I admit I was pleasantly surprised that he was even thinking about this, but I was a bit freaked out as well. I think my reaction was relatively normal overall. (Lately, I've been feeling the ticking of my biological clock a bit more than I've been used to.)

We've been married for almost 8 years, and we've spent the majority of that time getting settled in our careers. (Admittedly, it's taken him quite a bit longer to find "the career" he loves, but nevertheless, he finally seems to be feeling settled and happy and a bit more confident about the future than he used to be.)

Anyway, it seems we might actually be ready to take this giant step in our lives, and it's exciting, thrilling, and very scary.

Yet, I keep hearing and reading that age is such a big problem when ttc. I'm 33 and dh is 32. We still feel that we're quite young and in many ways just starting to figure life out. It bugs me that it seems that everywhere we turn people view the early thirties as "old." (Perhaps "too old" to have children??) It's crazy.

Sometimes I feel that others around me think I've missed my "window of opportunity." I never really realized that taking time to truly establish a happy marriage was potentially closing my window of opportunity for children. People have actually started to assume that my dh and I are just not interested in having children.

I know I shouldn't care what others think, but I do care. I won't let them make our decisions for us, but...it just bugs me, ya know?

I know there's no "perfect" time, but aren't some times better than others to begin a family???

Thanks for letting me rant a bit. I really am excited to be at least "thinking about the possibilities," nevertheless!




Edited 7/1/2008 3:29 pm ET by jpcurlylocks1
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Registered: 05-11-2008
Tue, 07-01-2008 - 3:42pm

Welcome to the board,


First you are definitely NOT too old to be having children. There are other posters here that are over 30 that will back you up 100%. I have a friend whose mother had her 3rd & 4th children in her 40s. Hopefully others that respond will help you feel more at ease and explain that although risks do rise they aren't as scary as some make them out to be. HTH.


BTW I'm Katie (24) and DH is Brad (28). I'll hopefully be trying next year in Sept and my husband turn 30 in Oct next year. Feel free to ask questions and vent because the ladies here are wonderful and always willing to listen.

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Registered: 08-08-2003
Tue, 07-01-2008 - 4:17pm
Thanks so much for all of your positive words! It's great to know I've finally found a supportive place to turn as my dh and I make this exciting decision! :)
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Registered: 03-28-2008
Tue, 07-01-2008 - 4:24pm

Welcome to the board.

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Registered: 03-06-2007
Tue, 07-01-2008 - 6:07pm

Your early 30's is definitely NOT too "old" to start having children!

The absolutely only thing I would advise is to try to conceive before 40, as the chances of the baby having a mental disability (Down's syndrome, etc) starts to increase dramatically around the age of 40 for the mother. I don't mean to scare you at all, just an FYI!

I'm really surprised that you have friends or other colleagues who have commented that you and your husband are somehow outside of your childbearing years now-- there's a reason most women don't go through menopause until their 40's, 50's, or later. Not to mention that men are pretty much able to father children until death!

Yes, my husband and I are 21 and 23 and already have a child, but if anything we are the exceptions among people we know....most of our friends are in their late 20's and just now getting married and TTC their first children. So I definitely think you and your DH are totally normal :-)

Tell critical people to jump in a lake!

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Registered: 02-27-2008
Tue, 07-01-2008 - 7:00pm
Hi and welcome! Missed your window of opportunity? Ha! NO way. Whomever tells you that or makes you feel that way is clearly just feeling that way about themselves or their own situation. You've already gotten some great words of advice from the awesome women around here, so I'll just say "I second that!" and introduce myself: I'm Ella (27), DH (29) and I are waiting for about one more month until we TTC. Welcome!

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Registered: 01-29-2008
Tue, 07-01-2008 - 8:16pm
Hi and welcome to the board!




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Registered: 08-08-2003
Tue, 07-01-2008 - 8:25pm
Thanks so much! I'm feeling better by the second! I'm looking forward to spending lots more time on this board. Everyone is awesome! Sorry, I'm Julie and my dh is Scott. We've been married almost 8 years, but we've been together almost 14 years. I guess we tend to do everything slowly! hahaha
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Registered: 01-29-2008
Tue, 07-01-2008 - 8:34pm
That's cool!




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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-02-2008 - 1:01am

I was 32 when I had my son. I'm 35 now and we're kinda starting to try for another. I've kind of shrugged off the age expectations--the media has blown the difficulty conceiving out of proportion (by and large, most issues with conception are preexistent; age only makes marginal difference--being 32 certainly doesn't make you infertile.) And some people are old when they're 18 and wouldn't be able to relate to a teenage child when they're 37. Others are younger at heart and can be 52 and relating to their 14-year-old. Agism is, in my opinion, silly--different people age differently, physically, mentally and emotionally. Declaring someone too old because of a few year's difference from your own desires is just silly.

If you're choosing an ideal time to have kids, you have to be flexible. If I'd had a child at the age that, say, my BIL and his wife did, it would've been extremely hard. I would have been 26, married for one year and about to move to another state with a husband just about to start grad school. They've been married for five years, own their house and are wrapping up their degrees online while fully employed. (A bit stressful, but by comparison...) Another friend just remarried last year, got pregnant in their first cycle and gave birth to twins at 43. And they're fine. Different people, different right times.
You wanna know the truth? Even at 35, I wonder if I'm really mature enough to raise a child. I don't FEEL 35...I mean, I get more aches and pains than I did ten years ago, but mentally? Heck, no! I still want to eat 18 Oreos and a glass of milk for dinner. I throw pillows at political campaign ads on TV. I'm not a role model now. And ten years ago? Multiply all of that by ten.

Play it by ear. Don't rush things because of what other people might be thinking. It'll be fine...even if conception is difficult or impossible, it doesn't mean you can't be a good parent to an adopted child, if that's what you're meant to do. Age is...well, it's part biological and part emotional, and it's all real. (And, I'll have to admit, I'm a big supporter of taking your time. I think our society tends to rush a lot of landmarks, and I'm more of the "savor the moment" mindset.")

Hope that helps.




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Registered: 03-18-2008
Wed, 07-02-2008 - 8:10am

I second (third) what everyone else has said. I am 29 and have heard from my family that I can't wait too long. I think people mean two different things when they say someone is too old to have kids. One is the relationship between fertility and age, which while it is real it is way overblown and more of a small gradual decline rather than big white line of no chance after 35.

The other is the mental or physical aspects. But as Dr Kae said, you can be mentally any age. And I look at differences between my sister and myself who are close in age but took different paths in life. She had kids very young, had to drop out of college, struggled financially, struggled in her marriage because they had kids so quickly and because of the financial problems. Everything is alright now, but there were several years when things were not so good. But I focused on my education and career and spent time just with me and DH after we married. And so I think our transition to having kids will be much easier because we won't face so many obstacles.









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