Been laying low this week . . . (long)
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|Wed, 05-14-2003 - 4:08pm|
I started crying in the parking lot as we were leaving church and I told my DH that my arms were killing me--it wasn't a lie, but it wasn't exactly the whole truth either. When we got home he asked me if my arms were my only problem and when I started crying again he realized that it was about the sermon and he totally flew off the handle. As a result, we had a pretty nasty argument and he goes out the door to run. So I cried for a few more minutes and then got myself together and started to head to my parents, but then decided I would stay and finish what was started.
He came back from his run and I could tell he'd done a little thinking and he apologized before he did anything else. I told him that it just dumbfounded me how he could get mad when he's known for a year now how bad I want children and how hard it was for me to sit through that sermon both physically (because of my arms hurting so bad) and emotionally and I thought I would get a little more support from him.
Basically, I've been told that because of the shape my arms and hands are in, I may have to take a leave of absence from work and may ultimately have to quit work, and therefore delay TTC by six months to a year until we can figure out what I'm dealing with and how to get it healed or at least managed. He apologized again and said that it just made him mad because everyone thinks that becoming a parent is one of the hardest things in the world to do and it becomes a badge of honor when really it's just nature. He said it's harder to NOT become a parent than to become one. Needless to say, that sent me off on a tangent. I told him he was trivializing the whole thing--I don't want to have a baby just to prove that I can. It goes way deeper than that. He admitted that he knew that, but his mom has really been on his back lately about his age (he'll be 30 in July) and how we'll regret not having kids, etc. If she only had a clue . . .
But anyway, he SAYS he still wants to have kids, but I think he, too, is scared about this situation with my job and my health. I guess right now we're at a wait and see impasse. So I've been kind of laying low this week and trying to keep the baby obsessing at a minimum. DH and I have worked everything out and he's been especially sweet and helpful this week. Looking back I think maybe the sermon was hard for him to hear, too, but I know he would never admit it.
Anyway, for those that got this far, thanks for "listening."