Big decision..please help me cope w/ it

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Big decision..please help me cope w/ it
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 10:56am
I've been in the "Waiting To Try" mode for a while now, but we haven't really been trying to prevent a pregnancy, but of course, not trying either. But I've decided without a doubt now that we have no other choice but to wait, and I'm a little scared about telling DF. He wants a child so badly, and I went off the Depo shot in February so we could begin TTC after our wedding in July. The thing is, I really really do want a baby, but the timing is just not right. We're living in a small 1 BR house right now (us and 3 cats!), and beginning to save $$$ for a downpayment on a house. I feel like, if we don't wait to have a baby, we'll never achieve our other dreams. For example, I want a house with newer furniture, a king size bed, and a pretty flower garden. He wants a home gym, and an entertainment room with a bigscreen TV and a kick-a$$ stereo system. But if we have a baby soon, we'll never be able to save the money to do these things, and both of us really want to be in a house of our own to raise our kids in.

And here's another big thing. DF doesn't have a driver's license or a car, due to a situation back in his home state. Long story short, 2 years ago before he left there, he got arrested and put on probation with a suspended license. Well, shortly thereafter, he moved here, basically skipping out on the probation (although he's not been in a single bit of trouble since--he's cleaned his life up so much, or I wouldn't even think of being with him). He has fines to pay before they'll reinstate his license, but they won't

tell him how much unless he contacts the courthouse, which he's afraid to do because he's afraid they'll make him go back to his home state and serve time in jail for skipping on the probation. So basically, he wants to just wait for 4 more years until the statute of limitations is up, then he'll be able to pay his fines and get his license without the risk of being jailed. So anyway, He's just too scared, and I don't feel comfortable having a child with only one car and driver in the household. I mean, that would be so much more responsibility on me. I would be the one to have to take the baby to the sitter's EVERY TIME, EVERY DAY, I'd be the one making the emergency trips to the grocery store for diapers, formula and medicine in the middle of the night, and I'd have to be the one to take the baby to the dr visits EVERY TIME, with no reprieve. No matter how dog-tired I might be, no matter how hard I had worked that day, even if he was on vacation from work, I'd still be the only one who'd have to do these things, because I'm the only one who CAN.

So, I'm going to talk to him about going on the pill tonight. I don't want to wait and lose my nerve, so I need some encouragement from you all.

TIA, Crystal

Avatar for pitzerja
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 11:11am
(((Crystal))) I'm so sorry you are in this situation, but I totally agree with your assessment on needing to wait. Speaking from experience, having a child is absolutely wonderful, but it does create a whole lot of new stresses on your life - financially, emotionally, and physically. I definitely think you need to talk to him openly and honestly about your feels, that is what a strong marriage is about anyway.

I am sending you big hugs, lots of strength, and many coping vibes. It sounds like you have a very good head on your shoulders and you should follow your gut instincts, they sound right on the mark to me.


JenP - WTT#2, Sept 2003

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 12:03pm
Frankly, I don't think you need to have reasons to back up your feelings, as long as you're confident in why you feel the way you do. That said, I think your reasons are excellent and, especially in light of how tough the decision is for you, very responsible. If your DF can't understand why you feel the way you do, then my vote is to just tell him to get over it. You have valid reasons that go well beyond emotional! You have my support and few hugs to go along with it!



Avatar for jlynna12
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 1:37pm
Crystal (hugs) sounds like you have really thought this through, and I think all your thoughts are valid reasons to wait. I know waiting is not a fun thing, but sometimes it's the practical thing. When you are pg you don't want to be so stressed about where you're going to put him/her to sleep, and that you'll never have your other dreams filled (not to say you won't ever, but it will be a lot longer). Talk to DF, he should at least validate your feelings, and good luck with the decision making!



Jlynn, Momma to Asher and Ada