caught between my heart and my head

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2010
caught between my heart and my head
21
Tue, 11-02-2010 - 2:52pm

The last time I posted on here, I was asking for advice on what to do about pushy inlaws that were pushing for me and my husband to have babies... To close that up, my husband talked to them and they stopped bringing it up. That was six months to a year ago; it's been quite awhile since I have been on here.

When we first married we agreed to wait five years before we started trying; in the beginning I was even trying to push it farther back than that. I wasn't anti-baby, just pro-waiting. But, the last couple of months have been really hard for me; I feel like my internal clock just clicked on and it's driving me nuts lol.

It seems like everywhere I look, there's babies! and I am LOVING IT! haha. I talked to my husband about maybe only waiting until we get a house next summer instead of five years. By then I will be 25, done with college and hopefully student teaching, and we will have been married for a little over two years. I feel so frustrated because I can't get it out of my head. I find myself looking online at baby clothes, I've already mentally decorated nurseries and we've picked out names haha.

Normally, I would go to my BF about this, but she lives several hours from me and this is the kind of thing I would want to discuss in person. She came into town for a visit a month ago and I was all ready to talk to her about this and get her opinion, but when she arrived she announced that she had just found out THAT MORNING that she was pregnant and she had already decided that she was going to have an abortion. I still haven't been able to tell her what I'm feeling because I feel like she was given what I wanted and she threw it away; although I understand that she and I are in totally different situations.

My other close friends are single so they don't understand what I'm feeling and my mother likes the 5 years plan. I kinda feel like I don't really have anyone else to talk about this with except a friend that I've lost touch with in the past couple of years. I'd feel awkward going to her now just for advice; so I'm coming here instead.

How do I handle these feelings? All I can think about is becoming a mother and it's making it really difficult to WANT to stick to our 5 year plan.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2008
Wed, 11-03-2010 - 9:46pm

Sorry you are going through this -- these emotions are strong and decisions tough. But.. you are still young. You do have time to think about it. Does it have to be exactly 5 years?

As a BTDT (I also had a BF that got pregnant before I did--when I was struggling with the decision like yourself--and had an abortion) my advice would be to take *deep breaths* and try to relax, and go with what feels right, whatever that may be.

I would also like to say this one thing: there will never be a time when you are 100% ready for a child. NEVER. You may be more financially stable, have a successful

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Wed, 11-03-2010 - 10:03pm

I have no advice... just wanted to say that I couldn't imagine having babies after 25 haha, I plan to have my family complete by then.

If you want to have a baby now, I say go for it! Why 5 years anyway?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2010
Thu, 11-04-2010 - 9:08am

We were planning on waiting five years so both my husband and I would be done with college, we would be settled in a house (right now we're living in a 1-bedroom apartment... and though it's nice, it's lacking in space haha), we would both be in our careers, and we also thought we should have some time with just the two of us before we started a family.

But now, while I still see the logic in those reasons, I can't shake the feeling's that I've been having about wanting to start a family pronto. My husband is supportive... he thinks that if we get pregnant we can handle it and we'll be fine, but he's not ready for us to start TRYING to conceive just yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2008
Thu, 11-04-2010 - 9:26am
FWIW, DH and I also wanted to wait to start our family for the reasons you stated. But, we got pregnant a little sooner than expected. We were in the middle of a really big move, and we had our son with us in a tiny one bedroom apartment. Yes, I had to put school and career on hold, but it's not a big deal like I thought it would be. I am now 30, have 2 kids (and eventually planning for a 3rd and final in a year or so), own a home, starting a business with DH, and finishing up my degree. Basically, everything is allright. :)

Good luck with your decision!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Thu, 11-04-2010 - 9:49am
That makes sense.
I'm a high school dropout, so school was never a concern for me. We've never really planned anything, we just go with it and know things will fall into place. My husband didn't have a job when we started TTC, he was 17 and just dropped out of college... he got a job about a month after I got pregnant... we still lived with our parents until 3 months before our son was born, we were married just under 2 months before his birth... we've been in 3 apartments in the past 3.5 years, looking forward to a house in a year or 2... the hubby is back in school full time, learning welding. I'm a stay at home mom... If it weren't for his schooling I'd be begging him to try now instead of August, but in order for him to take the 6 months off when #3 is born he'll need to be finished his course (ends November 2011) and have worked a few months... soooo getting pregnant in August 2011 is really the earliest we can do it... the first time we've actually had to sort of plan lol.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2010
Thu, 11-04-2010 - 11:26am

I don't mean to pry, but how old are you now? Just curious. and btw, you're family is so cute in that pic!

I think the hardest thing for me right now is

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2010
Thu, 11-04-2010 - 3:25pm

Congrats! That's great!! I'm so happy for you that you got everything that you worked for! =)

And just cuz I'm nosy... but what kind of business are you starting? My husband and I have discussed opening our own bookstore.

I'll be done with school by next October, and then I'll be ready to be a teacher (K-5); so I'm planning on discussing with my husband a new time-line. If things go as planned and we get a house next June like we're hoping and then I'll be done with school in October, then I'm gonna ask him that we start TTC on my birthday which is in late August. I think it's a fair deal =P It's not the 5 years like we planned, but it is a time when we will be more secure than where we are now.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he's ok with this because I have a doctor's appointment in two weeks and I can start discussing things with him if he says yes!! hahaha

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2009
Thu, 11-04-2010 - 7:04pm

Hi and welcome back to the board!

A lot of things can change in a set time line. If you can't imagine your life without kids and your DH agrees to it, I say go for it! If not, you can always wait a little longer. PG friends definitely make it harder on baby fever!! Good luck at your doctor's appointment and please keep us posted!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2008
Thu, 11-04-2010 - 7:27pm
We are starting a litigation/electronic discovery software business. we are getting down to the wire and it's very exciting and stressful at the same time. If you have an idea to start your own bookstore, I say go for it!!

That's great that you are finishing school soon! And I think being a teacher is awesome! I considered going back to school to become a teacher for a while. Good luck!
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Avatar for sandyc299
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2008
Thu, 11-04-2010 - 9:08pm

I was in your shoes a few years ago. My DH and I weren't in a situation where we were financially able to have kids and if we did we would really be struggling. However, everyone around me was having kids and they were mostly all younger than I was. Well, we waited about a year and in that year we ended up moving and I found a good job. We wouldn't be able to afford to have kids if I wasn't working. It is sad but reality for a lot of families now a days. My DH has a lot of student loan debt and we are trying to pay off our credit card bills that we ran up while in college. They will be paid off in 2 years. Anyway I totally understand the different between your head and your heart. I wanted to try so bad but my DH said it was best we wait and looking back now I am glad we did.

David Nicholas 12/5/09
Expecting a GIRL 3/23/13

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