caught between my heart and my head
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|Tue, 11-02-2010 - 2:52pm|
The last time I posted on here, I was asking for advice on what to do about pushy inlaws that were pushing for me and my husband to have babies... To close that up, my husband talked to them and they stopped bringing it up. That was six months to a year ago; it's been quite awhile since I have been on here.
When we first married we agreed to wait five years before we started trying; in the beginning I was even trying to push it farther back than that. I wasn't anti-baby, just pro-waiting. But, the last couple of months have been really hard for me; I feel like my internal clock just clicked on and it's driving me nuts lol.
It seems like everywhere I look, there's babies! and I am LOVING IT! haha. I talked to my husband about maybe only waiting until we get a house next summer instead of five years. By then I will be 25, done with college and hopefully student teaching, and we will have been married for a little over two years. I feel so frustrated because I can't get it out of my head. I find myself looking online at baby clothes, I've already mentally decorated nurseries and we've picked out names haha.
Normally, I would go to my BF about this, but she lives several hours from me and this is the kind of thing I would want to discuss in person. She came into town for a visit a month ago and I was all ready to talk to her about this and get her opinion, but when she arrived she announced that she had just found out THAT MORNING that she was pregnant and she had already decided that she was going to have an abortion. I still haven't been able to tell her what I'm feeling because I feel like she was given what I wanted and she threw it away; although I understand that she and I are in totally different situations.
My other close friends are single so they don't understand what I'm feeling and my mother likes the 5 years plan. I kinda feel like I don't really have anyone else to talk about this with except a friend that I've lost touch with in the past couple of years. I'd feel awkward going to her now just for advice; so I'm coming here instead.
How do I handle these feelings? All I can think about is becoming a mother and it's making it really difficult to WANT to stick to our 5 year plan.