caught between my heart and my head

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2010
caught between my heart and my head
21
Tue, 11-02-2010 - 2:52pm

The last time I posted on here, I was asking for advice on what to do about pushy inlaws that were pushing for me and my husband to have babies... To close that up, my husband talked to them and they stopped bringing it up. That was six months to a year ago; it's been quite awhile since I have been on here.

When we first married we agreed to wait five years before we started trying; in the beginning I was even trying to push it farther back than that. I wasn't anti-baby, just pro-waiting. But, the last couple of months have been really hard for me; I feel like my internal clock just clicked on and it's driving me nuts lol.

It seems like everywhere I look, there's babies! and I am LOVING IT! haha. I talked to my husband about maybe only waiting until we get a house next summer instead of five years. By then I will be 25, done with college and hopefully student teaching, and we will have been married for a little over two years. I feel so frustrated because I can't get it out of my head. I find myself looking online at baby clothes, I've already mentally decorated nurseries and we've picked out names haha.

Normally, I would go to my BF about this, but she lives several hours from me and this is the kind of thing I would want to discuss in person. She came into town for a visit a month ago and I was all ready to talk to her about this and get her opinion, but when she arrived she announced that she had just found out THAT MORNING that she was pregnant and she had already decided that she was going to have an abortion. I still haven't been able to tell her what I'm feeling because I feel like she was given what I wanted and she threw it away; although I understand that she and I are in totally different situations.

My other close friends are single so they don't understand what I'm feeling and my mother likes the 5 years plan. I kinda feel like I don't really have anyone else to talk about this with except a friend that I've lost touch with in the past couple of years. I'd feel awkward going to her now just for advice; so I'm coming here instead.

How do I handle these feelings? All I can think about is becoming a mother and it's making it really difficult to WANT to stick to our 5 year plan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Thu, 11-04-2010 - 10:35pm

I just turned 23, DH is 21... DS is 3 and DD is just about 8 months.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2010
Fri, 11-05-2010 - 9:17am

Thank you everyone for all of your support and advice!

Last night I had the last straw and decided that God was telling me that the 5 year plan was probably not the best idea. I've felt like He's been giving me little signs and last night I decided to do a crossword to distract myself and the first word was "conceive" I was like "I get it God! You can stop with the hints!" lol

After that, I sat down to talk with my husband and we agreed to wait until my birthday in August!!!!! I am so excited! I was nearly in tears when he said yes I just sat there with my mouth hanging open. We feel that this gives us some time to get better prepared, and he even asked that we not tell his family. Which I think is a GREAT idea lol. They are really... involved. haha and the last thing I want when we are focusing on starting a family is his entire family asking me every other day if we're pregnant yet. Too much stress! haha

But anyway, thank you guys again for helping me talk through this!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2006
Fri, 11-05-2010 - 9:23am

It sounds to me like next summer would be a fine goal if you get a house as you are planning and are done with school. Sounds like 5 years is an arbitrary number, and all your goals will be done already. Is that true? Is there any real reason that 5 years would be best?

What does your DH think? If you will be stable by next summer and would be able to afford a baby, and you both feel emotionally ready, it sounds great!

I'm the same age, turning 25 this month. We've been married three years, together for six. I'm not sure how long we're waiting - we could be TTC sometime next year, but we haven't talked about it in awhile. I'm hoping to lose weight and we are working on building up our savings and moving forward in our careers. But most importantly, DH isn't ready emotionally. He wants to have kids, and sometimes he wants them badly like I do, but he doesn't feel ready for the responsibility yet. So that's the main thing I feel like we're waiting for, and I have no way of knowing when he will decide he's ready. He doesn't know either. But like I said, I'm almost 25 and he's 26, so we can wait a few more years if necessary. The baby fever was killing me at some points in the last few years, but lately it's died down a lot and I'm OK with waiting.

If you decide you do want to wait but it's just hard, my best advice is to keep too busy to think about babies. Recenty I signed up with Big Brothers Big Sisters to mentor a "little sister", who's 13, and that has actually helped a huge amount. Other ideas would be joining clubs or starting new activities so your brain is occupied by that new venture instead of babies.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2009
Fri, 11-05-2010 - 12:32pm
That is wonderful!! It sounds like all your goals will be met by August! Yay for DH agreeing! We don't want to tell our families either when we're TTC for the same reason you mentioned!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2008
Fri, 11-05-2010 - 8:37pm
Wonderful news!! I am so glad you both came to a decision that felt right!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2007
Sun, 11-07-2010 - 9:57pm

I haven't read all the other responses yet, so maybe people said similar things--but when we make 5 year plans (about anything), we have to be prepared for them to change!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2007
Sun, 11-07-2010 - 10:01pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2007
Sun, 11-07-2010 - 10:03pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2010
Mon, 11-08-2010 - 10:36am

We discussed it and if we stay on track the way we are now (and it actually may be better, my boss just told me this morning that they're trying to hire me on full time (right now im a contractor) so I'll get a raise, benefits, and health insurance... im keeping my fingers crossed)... then we're planning on TTC in August.

In the meantime I've scheduled a doctors appt for next week to make sure I'm healthy and we're using these next few months to get better prepared.

And I like your idea of helping out with children; I actually coach 2nd-4th grade girls basketball and cheerleading and I ADORE all of those little girls. =) amd I'm really close to my ten year old brother and his baseball team. I go to games and practices and all of the kids are quite comfy in my lap lol.

My husband has been emotionally ready for kids since we got married, he was actually the one waiting on me =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2010
Mon, 11-08-2010 - 10:38am

Thank you everyone for being so supportive and thanks for the