Considering going off BC...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2013
Considering going off BC...
2
Sun, 02-10-2013 - 1:23pm

I am really in need of some objective thoughts.

My husband and I are both 27 and have been married 3 years, though we've been together much longer. We both finished our bachelor's degrees, have stable jobs, good insurance, we own our home, our finances are in order, more or less, and our relationship has never been better. Perfect time for a baby, right? He definitely think so. 

I, on the other hand, am much more hesitant for many reasons, not the least of which is being terrified of pregnancy. I know I want to have a family at some point, but I am so concerned about the changes to our lives. I mean, you can read all the books, articles and quizzes out there, and talk to friends and family, but you still do not really know when its the right time or if you will really be able to handle the challenges ahead. I talked a bit to my doctor at my last physical, but she wasn't very helpful. She said she didn't see any health reasons not to go for it, but she wasn't especially supportive.

Many of our best friends are becoming parents now, and I really enjoy spending time with them and their families. After hanging out with them, I tend to come home thinking really positively about getting pregnant, but I'm dragged back down to a negative place (or maybe reality...?) not long after.

-I'm worried about how it will change our relationship. It's great. It's low-stress. We have so much fun together and really make each other happy. It's probably selfish to say this, but I really love being "DINK"s. We can go out to eat, visit friends, go for a hike with our dogs, see a show, or go on a road trip without really giving it a thought. I don't know if I'm ready to sacrifice that, which leads to my next concern...

-The strain on finances. Right now, we're comfortable. Not rich by any means, but I'm never worried that we won't be able to pay our bills. Everytime I see the figures of what it costs to raise a child, I wonder how it would really work for us. I feel so selfish saying this because I know people make due with a lot less than we have, but I also know I want to know I can give my kids the life I want them to have.

-I'm extremely concerned about how having kids will affect my job. I work outside a lot, occasionally have to handle chemicals, and to make things tricky, my boss never had kids and really does not like them at all. I really love my job, and I'm afraid of the time, energy, and motivation that pregnancy and parenthood will take away from that. I'm not sure how I will go about talking to him, as there are certain things I won't be able to do while pregnant, or even while ttc.

-I'm worried about having a support system. Our families would probably be happy if we decided to have a baby now, but they live hours away and couldn't really be much help in a physical way. 

-Kind of a silly reason, but I'm going to be a friend's MOH this summer... She's not exactly kid-friendly and probably would extremely upset if I decided to get pregnant now.

How do I get past these things and just go for it? I can't imagine there being a better time... None of my concerns are things I can really change, it seems like I just need to stop worrying so much. Moms and future moms, what made you finally decide you are ready? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2008
Sat, 02-16-2013 - 4:09pm

Hello there

my husband and I are close to your age then some may be, I am 20 and he is 26. We have two beautiful children, 1.5 and 7 months. at our age we do find that it can hold back friends from wanting to hang out and you do have to lead a totally different lifestyle. I would say, from my perspective of never having that freedom, if you are not ready to give it up, then dont. You are NOT being selfish at all in wanting to hold onto that. Its a amazing time and who wouldn't want to enjoy it.

I do believe like the previous poster said though that no one is ever really ready to become a parent. just follow your heart and do what will make YOU happy. just because others around you may be ready to start their families does not mean you have to!!

Good luck!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2011
Mon, 02-11-2013 - 4:50pm

I don't know if my asnwer will help, so here goes!

How about there is never really a perfect time to have a child?  You can always find reasons that it's not the right time, or you can convince yourself the timing is never better (even if it's not).  You do have some valid concerns, so maybe it's not a bad idea to revisit the issue every 6 months or so until you feel more confident.  In the meantime, start saving more money and do fun things with your husband that you'll miss out on if you had a child.  Don't feel guilty about your feelings, they are your feelings and you would be the one affected.  The one thing I would urge you to do is to keep an open line of communication with your husband.  I'm not sure if he's pressuring you at all, but if he is, be sure to talk to him honestly about your feelings.  It's not good for one member to want children badly and the other isn't willing to communicate about it. 

Btw, you aren't selfish for wanting your current lifestyle to continue.     Babies do come with big changes, the majority of the time to the female in the relationship!   Most likely it's not as big of a decision for your husband, because most likely you'll carry a bigger portion of the child-rearing burden.  You are the one that has to deal with pregnancy, labor, healing afterwards, not to mention breastfeeding, etc.  if that's what you choose.  While both parents play a role, one parent has to be ultimately responsible for all the little things like making sure you have diapers, doing daycare dropoff and pickup, scheduling doctor's appts, etc.  You might want to sit down and list out all the duties, not to overwhelm either of you, but so that you can have some discussion ahead of time about the division of duties.  I remember feeling overwhelmed with caring for my baby and juggling work because it felt like I had the majority of the reponsilibity.  Not that he didn't help out, but I was the primary caregiver.  Just trying to spare you that headache!  If you need help with the list, let me know :)

 

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