DH reluctant to start family, I'm ready

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Registered: 03-28-2003
DH reluctant to start family, I'm ready
10
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 7:38am
Hello

I'm new

Erin and Edmund, bith 27 in August, married July 1998.

Here's the question: Did your DH feel "READY" to start a family? Was he at all apprehensive about the financial burden? Were he afraid?

How can I tell whether my husband's negative feelings towards starting a family are cold feet or if he really isn't "READY" right now, but will be ready someday in the future?

I will be 27 this August and so is my DH. We've been married for 5 years this July and have no kids yet. We were waiting for him to complete his diploma. He graduated last April and we've had a difficult time getting on our feet. We were living with his parents at the time, and we've recently moved to our own place.

I had agreed to wait until he was out of school and working steadily before starting our family. He still hasn't got a steady job, but I don't think we should wait any longer. He has to work whether we have a family or not. We have to pay rent and utilities and buy food whether we have a family or not. There really isn't any additional financial obligation associated with having a baby, aside from baby things which I think our families would be more than happy to help us acquire.

He comes from an upper middle class protestant family. His family has two parents, two kids and two cars. He thinks that we have to be "financially sound" (whatever that means) before we can start a family. I pointed out to him that one of his uncles (who has two children aged 8 and 15) just paid his parents back for a $100000 loan they gave him when he first started out. I told him if we wait to be "financially sound" we may be waiting forever. His background has a lot to do with how he feels about starting a family.

I come from a family with 6 kids and I always thought I'd have a large family myself (large for where we come from). Now I'm worried that if I wait until DH is "READY" to start, I might not have time (biologically speaking). What if he never feels "READY", where will that leave me?

Avatar for pkbw28
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 6:35pm
Hi Erin! Welcome to the board, I'm glad you found us! I'm sorry you and DH aren't seeing eye to eye on the baby issue. There have been a lot of women come to this board because of a reluctant DH. In fact, I would say it's probably one of the top reasons here. Unfortunately, this is also a very difficult situation. It's really hard to want something so much and not have the one person you need to agree with you be on board. Chances are, DH's feelings for not wanting a baby right now are just as strong as your wanting one. One thing I would suggest is to sit down and have a discussion about just this issue. Don't discuss it when other things are going on. Maybe get a pad of paper and put down the pros and cons of waiting as opposed to trying now. If you can get a reasonble list that you both agree on, then you can start to work out a timeline of when your wtt goals will be accomplished and try really hard to stick to it, so that you can decide on a ttc date and you won't have to move it back when the time comes!! I do have to say, though, as a mom of two, that kids are very expensive!!! It's not just the things they need as a baby, but the little things you don't think about such as school fees, unplanned doctor visits and meds.,lessons or sports, etc. It never ends!! Now, if money isn't an issue, then of course, these things won't matter. Also, I have to say though, to quote my mom, 'if you wait until you have enough money to have kids, there would be no kids on the planet!' LOL I hope you are able to find the support you need here. This is a great group of ladies with a lot of good advice!! Good luck and I hope you and DH are able to come to a compromise soon!! (((HUGS)))~Penny wtt#3
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Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 8:14am
Hi! I feel like we are in the exact situation! I've been married 5 years, me and dh will be 27 this dec. Dh was always reluctant to ttc. He always said he wasnt ready yet, wasnt ready....wasnt ready. He always said he wasnt ready to give up "his" things for a baby and that your lives end when you had children. Talk about depressing!! It really broke my heart to hear him say this & really didnt know what to think. I agree to sit down with him and tell him your feelings. I told dh that I was really scared about waiting too long & the chance would pass us by. One day he said he agreed, and that we should ttc soon. We arent financially set for life, he is still finishing his BA. Everyone tells me that if you wait until everything is 'perfect' and you have enough $$, you will always be waiting! Hang in there, eventually your dh will come around!!
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Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 8:32am
AARRGGGHHH! I wrote a long response to this and now it's not here?!? -Sarah

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Avatar for queenie620
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 10:21pm
I was ready to set a TTC date long before my DH. The funny thing is we have been financially "secure" (I guess that could have different meanings to different people) for the last two years. We bought our 3 bedroom, 3 bathroom house almost a year ago, we make a comfortable living, and we're just one year away from our bachelors degrees. My DH thinks we should be living in this "ideal" situation before we start TTC. I told him that day may never come, but no matter what, we can work things out. I'm going to be 25 soon, and DH is 26. I am ready to start TTC, and DH is FINALLY beginning to be less reluctant. He's at least thinking about TTC in December which is a HUGE step for him. I just had to make him realize how important it is to me to set a TTC date, and I had to help him put things in perspective.

Try not to nag your DH about it. Men really hate that. Just let him think about it on his own for a little while, and he will probably come around eventually. It sounds like the two of you just recently started making it on your own, so maybe he wants to get used to that for a little while before bringing a baby into the picture. Try to be patient:)

queenie WTT #1 December 2003

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 8:29am
I totally agree with queenie. My DH is the king of the reluctant husbands. We've had fights, discussions, and little reminders about WTT/TTC and the best thing I did was drop it for a while and let him approach it with me. The more you push the harder it will be to get your DH to consider it. In the meantime, try to enjoy your DH and the time you have together--when you have a baby, that time together will be harder to come by (or so I understand).

Stay on this board--these ladies can give you so much support, tips and comfort it will make your head spin--LOL.

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Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 9:10pm
Just to add to my confusion my DH has done something completely out of character.

Last night, he woke me up in the middle of the night to BD, and he didn't put on a condom until I "reminded" him to. I want to wait until May to start trying, because I'd like a baby born between Feb and May 2004.

This morning I accused him of trying to get pregnant "by accident". His reaction was sort of: So What?

A few days ago, I confronted him and said that I thought he wasn't not ready, but that he was just afraid of what his parents would say if we told them we were PG. As I said in the other posting, they want us to be "Financially Stable" before we start our family. He agreed that most likely was true.

In the past he has said, on more than one occasion, that if we got pregnant it would not be a "bad" surprise.

Anyway, I asked him (after the "by accident" thing) why he didn't just come out and say what he wants to do. He said "If I say one thing, you'll bug me; if I say another thing, you'll bug me. So, I'm not saying anything."

I guess he's not going to BO with me, but as long as he'll BD I should just let it go. I suppose he was ready to start all along, but I just wanted him to be more enthusiastic than he can be. He's not exactly an excitable person to begin with, and he's right I do talk AT him all the time about babies, and when to have babies, and how to raise babies. He probably just wants peace and quiet while he gets used to the idea of babies being in our lives in less than a year.

And a few days before the last time I posted, we were talking about me going on the pill, and he said it wasn't worth the money right now since we would be getting pregnant in a few months. So, maybe I was just overreacting to his lack of enthusiasm in my last post.

And, now that I think about it some more, a late Dec/early Jan baby might not be such a bad idea. Maybe I'll follow his lead with whatever happens happens.

Avatar for natbie
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 8:32am
Erin, what you described in your last post sounds a lot like something that happened between dh and I a while ago. My very practical and responsible "must get all our ducks in a row before we ttc" dh decided one night that we woul.d bd without a condom. Basically, I knew what was going on and didn't say anything about it. I guess we both did quick *period math* in our heads with him concluding there was no chance I was o and me concluding I could be. Still, such a thing had never ever happened before in our relationship. And since I had been trying to get him to move up our ttc date, it left me with a lot of questions. But it also made me feel very happy and reassured that he was in some way ready to start trying if he was willing to deal with the smallest chance that we could get pg. Anyhow, massive fallout ensued (even though at the time I thought I was totally okay with it being a one time thing) because the next time he used a condom and I spent the rest of the month tricking myself into believing I was pg (I wasn't). The end result was that dh will probably never accidentally forget again, although we're trying now after this AF (due today!) so it really isn't an issue anymore.

So...I get what you're saying about dh not being as excited as you are. My dh has been the same way, and it has made me feel on more than one occassion that he didn't really want to have a baby. We've talked about it a ton, and I'm ashamed to admit, we used to fight about it too. I know he was right about his reasons for wanting to wait, but I'm not a very patient person LOL! Still, I'd talk to him about something I read in a baby book or about a prenatal class I wanted to take onceI was pg and he'd always act (at least I thought) like he thought I was silly to be planning so far ahead. Dh has pointed out many times that he just doesn't get as emotionally as I do about anything. Thank god for that! We'd be a mess otherwise. And still, even now when he mentions the "baby" all the time like she's already a member of the family, I still don't think it's the same for him. For my dh, I think I will actually have to put a baby into his arms before the whole process will become a reality for him. And I know he'll fall in love instantly. But he just has to experience it to believe it because right now, the whole baby thing seems to be more worries than anything else. You know? The joy of it doesn't seem as real to him right now as the bills and the day care costs and the sleepless nights. That's just how my dh is. And for some reason, too, he feels the need to be the *provider* even though we both work. It's somehow ingrained in his mind that he has to be able to support the baby all by himself even though to me we're in this 100% together.

As for whether or not his parents will approve, my mil told me last year that it would *behoove* me to wait until dh is out of graduate school before trying to start a family. Maybe she meant well, but that's really only a decision dh and I can make. I'm sure your in-laws will be thrilled once you tell them they're expecting a grandchild, despite any reservations they might have.

Oh, one other thing that might help. You said dh feels like you always talk at him about having a baby. Maybe if it came up in more casual conversation, like talking about baby names or baby clothes, etc. it would help him get used to the idea without feeling like yr on his case? I know talking about what having a baby would be like really helped my dh get used to the idea.

Hope some of this rambling helps!!

Natalie wtt#1 in 2 weeks

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Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 10:39pm
Today was another good day. I got a Baby catalogue in the mail yesterday, I had requested it, and today I looked through it with a marker to circle all the stuff I would get if I woke up a millionaire.

DH was really good about the whole thing, and didn't act all threatened as he could have. In the end I announced that we'd need $10000 to pay for it all, and he just laughed. Pheewww!!!

Since I am currently a housewife, and I am also into breastfeeding and cloth diapering and other "old-fashioned" (luckily cheap too) methods, I don't think the baby will be a financial burden for at least a year. Aside from furniture and clothing, which I think the grandparents and aunties and uncles will delight in providing: this will be the first baby of its generation (not counting cousins) as we are both the oldest siblings in our families.

Anyway, there'll be no loss of income, so it boils down to making sure we aren't spending TOO much more. At least it eliminates one issue which I know faces a lot of other families out there. I'm also thinking of offering my services as a Babysitter/Nanny to the girl upstairs who has a daughter. Her mother cares for the baby right now, but she's planning on moving soon and I'd love to step in. That could supplement our income a little bit. And at the last tupperware party I did, I catered as a favour to the host, everyone was raving about the food, so maybe that'll open another door for me.

Who knows?

Erin

TTC #1 in a couple of months, I hope.

Avatar for queenie620
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 9:06pm
Erin! I cannot believe how much our DHs are alike! Mine does the same thing!! It seems like the more I don't nag him, the more likely it is for HIM to bring it up, or want to BD without a condom. What's the deal with that?!

Anyway, it sounds like he's being pretty cooperative lately (knock on wood), so good luck to you! May is just around the corner!

queenie

WTT #1 December 2003

Avatar for queenie620
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 9:12pm
Natalie, your "rambling" helped me A LOT! It seems as though my DH is very much like yours and Erin's. He's kind of wishy-washy with the whole baby thing, but mostly negative about it. I think you really hit the nail on the head when you said your DH will have to have a baby in his arms before the experience becomes reality for him. I think that's what my situation is as well.

Anyway, I just want to thank you for your thoughts because any time I hear one of you going through the same thing I am it makes me feel stronger and somewhat relieved because we can all get through this together.

queenie WTT #1 December 2003