DH's not ready... HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2003
DH's not ready... HELP
9
Sat, 06-28-2003 - 6:18pm
I am new to ivillage.

DH is not ready at all. Are all men like that?

He says he is selfish and having kids would make huge lifestyle change and he is not willing to give that up.

He does not like kids - other people's kids but has heard from his male friends that it is different if it is his.

Having kids is not high on his list, but he would have them because I wanted them so badly. He also mentioned that the assumption of getting married is to start a family.

he is afraid of change and afraid of being a good father because he did not grow up in a good family. He does not see families as happy - he sees them stressed, angry, overworked, frustrated.

Why do people want to have kids?

What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2003
Sat, 06-28-2003 - 9:28pm
Welcome to the board. Many of us have dh's that at one point in time have been very resistent to ttc (trying to conceive). I know my dh was very apprehensive when we began talking about ttc. What came out over long talks was that he really wants to have kids, but is very scared. The reality of it hit him before the fantasy of it (I was picturing the fantasy). His worries (past and current) come down to being able to provide for the family. So in my case, although it seemed as if dh didn't want kids yet, it was really more out of he fear of not being able to provide. Now, because we will begin trying in August, I have kind of gotten cold feet and he can't wait.

Did you and your dh discuss having kids before you got married? Did he want them then? I remember not that long ago a posting from another member whose dh was being very selfish too. Here is the link to that post so you can see the advice some other member had. http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-pswaiting&msg=11490.1&ctx=128

We'll all be here for you until your dh comes around.

Melinda wtt 8/03


Edited 6/28/2003 9:35:00 PM ET by mindybess77

 

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2003
Sun, 06-29-2003 - 12:05pm
We didn't really discuss the subject of kids before we got married. We made the assumption that starting a family was in the picture after one gets married.

He is afraid he won't love the child...and also afraid that he will not be a good father.

Sigh....I have seen a lot of postings where DH is the one that is always not ready... Why is that? I think men don't want to give up their "things" in life.

Avatar for jlynna12
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-30-2003 - 1:24pm
Hi & Welcome! (it was a busy weekend, while I was away :-D)

I'm sorry your DH does not want kids and you do!! that is tough. Has he always felt this way? The only advice I have, is pretty much the same I gave Dawn.....talk about it, and try to figure out why. you said he's afriad of being a bad father....try to get him to talk about why he feels that way, and things you could do as a couple to help make him feel better about that now, and if kids come. I come from a pretty messed up family myself and am always strggling with feelings of "will I be a good parent, will I be like my mother?" But, DH is aware of those feelings, and thankfully came from a very stable and loving family....we balance each other completely in that aspect, and he's always reassuring me that I will be a great mother because I know what NOT to do.....Suggest to DH that his family experience is a great thing to draw on and learn the things he doesn't want to do as a parent himself. Good luck to you and welcome to the board!!!

Jlynn, TTC #1

 

           
Jlynn, Momma to Asher and Ada

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2003
Mon, 06-30-2003 - 3:16pm
Hi jlynna12,

We have been slowly talking about it. He seems to get more used to the idea now... he comes from an abusive family and he does not see family as being happy because of his childhood. That makes it tough for him.

He is afraid he will become like his parents. He asked me if he would be a good father. And of course, I said he would and I truly believe that he would be. If one does not try, how does one know?

Did you DH go with you to your pre-conception appt? I have one in July and I am debating whether I should ask DH to come along...What do you think?

Avatar for jlynna12
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-30-2003 - 3:20pm
My DH did come, and while he was pretty quiet, he said it was pretty cool afterwards. In my opinion, if they will go, bring them!!!

And, I totally understand his concern. Mine were emotionally abusive and very controlling, and I'm so concerned I'll be that way or will be emotionally unavailable. Just continue to reassure him that you will be there to help, and bring him around if he starts to struggle!!!

good luck!

thinking of you, and hugs,

Jlynn

 

           
Jlynn, Momma to Asher and Ada

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2003
Mon, 06-30-2003 - 6:21pm
Wow jlynna12,

I am so glad I found this board. This is great. It gives me much hope and support. I like that. I guess you would understand if you yourself came from a bad family situation. I grew up in a good family, so I wouldn't understand what a "bad" family would be.

He also said that he might go for counseling.

I'll mention the appt to him and take it from there. Hope he will come to at least meet her! She is a great obgyn. I have been seeing her since 98.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 8:37am
Welcome to iVillage and WTT! Wow, what a question. Why do people want to have kids? There are a thousand answers to that question, but the easiest one I can give is that for DH and myself, they complete us. Our three little ones (well, our oldest is five today, so she's not so little anymore!) bring a whole new dimension to our lives and our family. Watching them interact, seeing how much they love each other (our newest member is only 13 days old and you've never seen more excited and adoring siblings) and how they view the world is amazing.

I don't think you need to have grown up in a good family to be a good parent. As long as you can see what it is that you felt was wrong with your family and know what you want to change, you can be a good parent. It sounds like your DH is concerned enough that he doesn't want to make the same mistakes and that should be enough to make him a great parent.

It's going to be interesting to read the other responses to your post!

Sarah, WTT #4 5/05

Photobucket

Avatar for jlynna12
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 8:47am
Counseling is definately worth it!!! Hope he can see the importance too :-D Keep us posted and have a GREAT day!!

Jlynn

 

           
Jlynn, Momma to Asher and Ada

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2003
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 9:43am
WOW! Mother of 3. I really envy you. That is so great. I grew up in small family - just 2 of us. However, I have always loved children. I think they are great. They teach you so much because they are so innocent!

I think my DH is coming around, which is a good sign. He said he'll never ever be ready, so might as well start now and BE ready.