Effect of Disagreement on Marriage

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Effect of Disagreement on Marriage
2
Mon, 06-30-2003 - 11:13am
There are many issues we women are dealing with when it comes to having to postpone our mommy dreams, especially at the request of our husband. What I fear is that I am so focused on this child and carry resentment toward my husband for not wanting it, that it will hurt our relationship. I tend to see him as a roadblock to my dreams than my equal partner. I don't know how to get past that. :-(

My goal is to learn to respect his wishes and be able to be patient until he is on board, not to get him to "come around". We had a "baby talk" this weekend, which lead to hurt feelings in both of us.

He feels scared and nervous, and obviously apprehensive and backed into a corner. I feel like I can't understand why he wouldn't want this? What's the hold up? For the rest of the weekend, looking at my husband only brought forth anger and resentment on my part, for something that he cannot help.

This anger isn't the type of environment that will make him feel comfortable in making a decision to go forward. And the cycle continues . . . We're both stuck and I don't feel anyone is to blame. I stumbled across an article on MSN that was about "nagging", which is a little OT, but it has some good insight as to how men and women communicate. Here are some excerpts -

"It goes from a reminder to a nag when the person who is being reminded gets offended," says Weiner-Davis. "How the behavior gets labeled depends on how the person hears it, not on how the person who says it feels."

"Because many women find it difficult to directly communicate their needs, they fall into the fatal trap of whining and nagging about what they aren't getting rather than directly stating what they want, need, or expect from their partner. Unfortunately, whining and nagging doesn't put a man into a giving mood, and a vicious cycle is born: The more her man starves her of what she wants, the more she nags and the less likely he is to be responsive to her wishes."

“Too often, when couples talk to each other about heated issues, they are too busy defending themselves to hear on a deep level what their spouses are saying and feeling. If they can learn the tools for fair fighting, then both spouses can be heard, and nagging isn't necessary."

"When the urge to nag strikes, Weiner-Davis suggests focusing on the positive experiences you've had in the past with your partner, when something other than nagging elicited the response you were looking for."

"Bottom line: Good relationships are based on mutual care taking," says Weiner-Davis. "You really have to look out for your spouse. You have to put your spouse's needs before your own -- and that might mean doing something you're not really crazy about doing. And when you have to nag, that's a sign mutual care-taking is not happening."

Sorry so long, just trying to decipher this Men are from Mars/ Women are from Venus thing we have going on...

Thanks for listening,

Dawn

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 8:19am
(((Dawn))) I hope you and DH come through this okay! That article makes a lot of sense and I think it's great that you're putting so much effort into his feelings even as you are hurt by them. What is his stance on a baby? Just plain NO or does he have certain goals to attain first (house, car, savings, etc).

Sarah

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2003
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 12:29pm
I am so sorry to hear your predicament. We have to be strong. I have come to realize that women are a lot stronger than men emotionally. I think we are able to handle more than them. When you get them to "confess" their feelings, I don't think they like it.

My DH and I had a long talk one night about WTT. We ended up both sobbing and crying for 2 hours. We finally understand what each other's needs were. It is important to communicate. If you let it all harbor inside you, it will more than often turn out to be a nasty explosive situation.

Don't press the issue too much. DHs don't like to be nagged and bitched at and being whined at. I know I sometimes do that because I am so sick and tired of his lack of enthusiasm or not wanting to talk about issues. Men remain close to their feelings unless you try to dig it out of them. They never want to admit they are wrong or they are feeling hurt, or worse, scared. they have to assume the role of macho man. Sometimes, it doesn't work that way.

We as wives need to encourage our husbands and teach/show them how to express their feelings.

Easier said than that... you have a lifetime to do this in your marriage! Good luck to me and you both. :)