Husband wants to wait :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2010
Husband wants to wait :(
1
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 12:53am

I didn't think I would end up here, and am a little shocked to find myself in this position. I had a miscarriage in April, and after waiting a couple of cycles for my body to get back to "normal" and also to allow myself to heal emotionally, we jumped back into TTC. Well, after only a couple times, my husband decided he no longer wanted to "try" and instead that we should wait for a while. So I was holding out hope that maybe I got lucky during this one month (haha) and of course it ended up being a no go. I took the last negative test this morning confirming the fact that it is, indeed, going to be a while until I have a sibling for my son.

It's shocking because I wanted my kids 2 years apart, and after the miscarriage I came to terms with the idea of having them 3 years apart instead. Now finding out my husband wants to wait a "while" which sounds like a year or two, suddenly my kids are not even going to be in High School together. My hopes are being slashed.

I'm frustrated. I wanted them to be close in age so we could do things that both of them would enjoy. A 5 year old would love Disney World, a 10 year old, not so much. I want to be able to take my son places and not have to worry about a crying baby the whole time because I'm still a "toddler" mom as well. If they were close in age, this would be a non-issue in just a couple years. I wanted to be able to have family game night and play games we could all enjoy. Now either one kid will be too "old" for the game, or the other will be too "young."

And the most frustrating thing about it is that he wants to stop for selfish reasons. He knows he'll have to spend more time with our son because I'm going to be busy with a newborn. He knows he can't spend money on a new computer because we'll be spending money on the baby. We can easily afford another child, but he doesn't want to have to give up his spending habits. He doesn't want to have to go to doctors appointments because he'd rather be on his computer or sleeping. It's just so frustrating because I'm trying to think of the future and what would be easiest for all of us, and all he is thinking about is the nuisance of doctors appointments and spending excess money on the baby. Which, news flash, will happen no matter when we have a baby.

I've just been really cheery this year, holding on through the pain of the miscarriage and the other disappointments we've had recently knowing that soon I'll be pregnant again and everything will turn out well. Now I feel like I have nothing to hold onto and the weight of everything is crushing me. Now I can't stop thinking about the fact that we would be having a baby in only 3 months and now I may not have one for 3 years. I feel crushed, I feel like I've been robbed and lied to. Worst of all, I feel like I have absolutely no control anymore.

Anyway, thanks for letting me rant. I imagine some of you have felt similarly before. I don't know how to come to terms with this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2011
Thu, 02-24-2011 - 9:54pm

Hi - I'm Samantha. I know this post is old now but I just joined and read it tonight. You used the words I have been feeling for such a long time "no control". It's such a frustrating place to be. I feel like I have no control too. It's all in my husbands hands, whenever he's ready. But I'm ready now and I don't think that means anything to him. Hope your situation worked out!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2008
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 8:32pm

I don't have much advice, I just wanted to say I can relate to having your DH change his mind suddenly. Up until recently, my DH said he was done after our 2nd child (he always knew I wanted 3) because she was (is) so difficult, that he was afraid of having another like her.


He came around in time... and chances are your DH will too. I would sit down and have a heart-to-heart with him about it -- tell him to get it all out on the table. You both should.


I am so sorry about your loss.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2006
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 11:55pm

I am sorry for your loss. I recently went through an ectopic and know how heart-wrenching it is. I really wonder if you hubby is scared to try again and maybe he hasn't dealt with his feelings over the MC. My ectopic affected my hubby more than I thought it would because he was always so nonchalant about getting PG. I think sometimes they keep the hurt in because we (woman) go through so much physically that they want to spare us their pain. I am here "waiting for my body" to get back in the groove of things. (sorry)

I do know what it feels like to want to ttc and your husband doesn't. We got married in 2001 and I wanted to start then and there. He wasn't ready and he finally agreed to it in 2006. We are still waiting for our 1st earth baby but the waiting takes its toll.

I really hopes your hubby comes around so you can ttc soon.

Christy
TTC 1st child since 2006
June 16, 2010: IUI w/ Femara BFP (Ectopic - Methotrexate shot) RE sidelined me until November cycle for next IUI :(

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 8:38pm

Hi Melissa! That is exactly what I've been thinking, that he may be worried about another possible miscarriage. You are definitely not alienating anyone by talking about your loss, we are simply sympathetic to your situation, as I cannot imagine how painful that must feel.

I hope you have a great talk with your DH! Please keep us posted!



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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2010
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 7:29pm

Sorry, I realize I didn't introduce myself. My name is Melissa, and I'm a SAHM to a 2 year-old. My husband is really pretty great, I can see that I didn't give him much credit in my first post. I guess my emotions were really getting the best of me late last night. He's a really hard worker and a pretty fun dad for the most part.

Victoria, I think that's what was most upsetting to me. I mean, we were already TTC when he just changed his mind. I think it would have been more acceptable had he just told me after the miscarriage that he wanted to wait a while. Plus their was the fact that he was perfectly okay with us having the baby that we miscarried, so I don't really know why he would change his mind now.

I am going to try and talk to him to see what is really making him hesitate. I realize that the possibility of miscarrying again might be worrying him, since it wasn't easy on my body the first time. I hadn't really thought of that before. We had to go to the ER twice and both times we were there for over 8 hours. I figured, if I felt ready he would have confidence in that, too, but maybe he's worried about the possibility of me having to go through all that again. He's been using money as his reason, but I could see that as just a cover for what is really bothering him.

I've been over to the TTC after miscarriage board, and they were very supportive after my m/c. But it's hard over their since almost everyone is actively TTC and the ladies who are waiting are usually only waiting for their bodies to heal. I didn't mean to make anyone over here feel uncomfortable around me because I have had a miscarriage, I realize that could make people hesitant around me. It's okay, I have come to terms with that loss and don't mean to alienate anyone. :)

Anyway, at this point I'm hoping to talk to my husband and see if we can get to the bottom of this and really find out what's holding him back. Because, obviously, I am more than ready to get going again. Thanks for the responses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 1:56pm

Hi and welcome to the board! I'm Victoria and DH and I are WTT our first! We are happy to welcome you here, although I know how tough WTT is for you at the moment. To be honest, I don't think your DH is being fair to you, I mean changing his mind while TTC? I would be very upset too, hugs! Is there any other reason you think he wants to wait longer that he hasn't expressed?

I am so sorry to hear about your loss as well.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2008
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 1:25am

I cant say that I understand the miscarriage part. But I do understand the feeling robbed of the opportunity for more kids. Up until recently DH told me that he was absolutly never having more kids. My daughter was slightly premature and my DH was really taken aback by what we went through. He pulled back from wanting four kids to saying he only wants to focus on her for ever. It really frusterated me but I hung in there and finally this week he agreed that he wants her to have a sibbling but that he doesnt think we should have one until she is closer to three (meaning get pregnant next year).


I hope that your DH comes around. And maybe it will just happen. My friend got pregnant after a miscarriage when her and her DH were on a break from TTC. Niether of them were using BC. No condoms. No pill. Nothing. Just normal sex. Maybe that could happen?


I will think pisitive thoughts or chat with you about the posiblity of someday having a second one. :-) I get what your saying about wanting them close. It helps having the same milestones nearby.


BTW I am Mandy. I have a DD who just turned a year on August 5th. I am a director of a childcare center and DH works in merchandise for a professional NBA team.


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