maybe premature but it's been coming up

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2009
maybe premature but it's been coming up
4
Wed, 04-29-2009 - 4:52pm
First time on this bored not sure if this is the right place for this but seems like it may be and it's been weighing on me lately. My FDH and I just got a new place we both have kids from past relationships one girl and one boy, we both want to have another in the future together when we're ready. Well actually I have two kids one that I realized I couldn't support but couldn't "get rid of" so I found a wonderful family to adopt her and things couldn't have work out better for everyone except I'm still a little heart sore. It's an open adoption so I can visit and get pictures and she will know who I am but it's not the same as being mommy and that will always hurt me a little. My problem is I don't know when I will be ready to have another child. knowing that I have one out there that I'm not mommy to make it hard for me to justify having another one no matter how much better my current situation is. Now DFH is dropping hints left and right about having another child as soon as we can, The other day when we were unpacking he found this old diaper bag he got when his son was a baby and got all excited showing me all the "neat" compartments and talking about how handy it was for babies. I'll admit it make my heart beat faster in a happy way for a moment knowing that he wanted that he wanted a child with me and that he was that excited at the idea of someday...but it also made my heart hurt later it made me feel selfish almost guilty like how could I consider another child after I gave one up. I want more children I love children I've never been more happy than when I'm being mommy to my daughter my FSS or my ex's son who see's me as his mommy because I'm the only mommy figure he's ever known even though his Father and I were only together for a short time and broke up five years ago. I have a lot of unresolved guilt and no matter how many times I tell myself and others tell me, I did what was best and right it still doesn't go away. I want to be a mom again I really do I just think it will be very rough for me for a while once I'm ready and I'm not sure how to get ready. I know my FDH will be understanding because well thats just how he is. That's why I'm with him in the first place. I just don't know how to broach the subject but feel I need to before he starts thinking alright things are settling down lets make a baby. I guess I just needed to get this off my chest and stop running through it over and over in my head thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008
Thu, 04-30-2009 - 10:12pm

I am sure that this was the most difficult decision anyone can make. And I understand that you would have alot of emotion about this. BUT...you are looking at this ALL wrong. If you were selfish, you would have never been able to give your daughter the best possible situation. You would have kept her bc you wanted to and not bc it was best. Can't you see that you have something alot of ppl don't? The ability to put a child's needs before yourself.


Talk to your partner. You dont' have to make a decision either way today. Talk about how you would handle any situations that might be difficult in the future. Find ways to give yourself the security you need to ensure that you can provide for any future child. Just tell your FDH, "I'm not sure what I want but before I think about another baby, I have some unresolved issues to deal with." Maybe he can help you or suggest places to find the support you need to deal with those unresolved issues.


Good luck whatever you decide.


Hugs,


Dee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2008
Fri, 05-01-2009 - 1:07am

Hi and welcome to the board!


Hugs to you!





Sigs made by hubbswifey, mom2jess_n_ky, and csmith17663

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2008
Fri, 05-01-2009 - 4:01pm

Hi!

I can't imagine how complex all the emotions are that you are feeling in regards to your open adoption but I have to say that you made the mature choice-the harder choice to make sure that both your children were happy, healthy, and well cared for even if that meant that you weren't the one doing the taking care of in the case of your daughter.

I think that if you would like to have another child and you can now support one that you should go for it when you feel ready.

Welcome to the board!!!


Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2009
Mon, 05-04-2009 - 9:52am

you cannot for the rest of your life, beat yourself up, when you did a very honorable thing..a very MATURE thing. you realized you could not hack it, you didn't want that to impact your child i any way, so you didn't choose to abort, or just throw her away, like some mother's do...you had your child, you gave her a great home, and she will grow up loving you and knowing you, and not showing up on your doorstep at 16, like wth..i think you should be PROUD of yourself, and of her, and never look back. look forward, move forward. she will never resent you, because you are there and you were looking out for her best interests. let go of the guilt, and please, know you do deserve to have a lil one to keep for yourself, times obviously have changed, you gotto stop feeling guilty and think about the good things in life yet to come.