New to the board, need to whine

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
New to the board, need to whine
3
Mon, 06-09-2003 - 11:27am
Hi Everyone, My name is Julie, I've been with DH for 5 years and he is still not ready.

Every single time we talk about TTC, he always comes up with a new reason to wait.

First it was, well let get decent vehicles first. Done. Well lets get a house first. Done. Well lets save our money and get a bigger house first. Come on now!

I finaly got the real reason out of him this weekend. He fessed up that he does not want to have a child now for selfish reason. Says that he works six days a week as it is and doesn't want his only free day to go toward the child!!!! In other words he is going to miss out on golf and football. What the hell is that? Am I crazy to be raggin ticked off?!?! We discussed children before we were married, and we both agreed on the time frame and how many. Well we are way past the time frame now and I simply do not know what to do. My mother already passed awat last summer, my fathers health isn't too well, and they are all I had. Is it wrong that I want to have a child now so my father can meet his first grandchild!

I went to my best friends wedding this weekend and right after she told me she was pregnant, and she found out the day before the wedding. I am so truely happy for her, but extremely jealous, and I feel so bad that I am jealous. We are now the last of our friends not to have children. I feel like such an out cast. I don't want to lose another good friend because I don't fit in anymore.

There are so many reason besides the ones that I've listed that I feel I am completely ready for a child, but I have already made this message long enough. Does anyone have any advise for me on what to do about my husband? I simply think waiting 5 years was long enough, and that his "not being ready" isn't fair at all to me. Thanks for reading, and thanks in advance for your help.

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-09-2003 - 11:57am
Julie,

Personally, I think you are right to be mad. You obviously did the right/responcible thing by getting reliable vehicles and a house. If it weren't for accidentally getting pregnant with my son (8/1/01), I'm sure my DH would be pulling the same thing and we are 33 and 38 respecitively.

I know most people will say that having a child is a life style change ... So far, having a child has only enhanced what we do and how we see the world. We still travel, do girls night out, etc ... But we also get to go to the zoo, disney world, the science center ... We, also take trips alone. My in-laws are more then eager to babysit.

Maybe if you present it that way, he will be more receptive.

Men are alot more selfish then we are. Maybe you could tell him that as of such and such a date you are going to go off the pill and let him pick the month when you can TTC. I did that with my DH and it worked well ... we are trying for #2 in July! he loves be a daddy =) but it was difficult to AGREE on a month ... so I just let him pick it from March to August because I want to try for a cold weather baby

Good LUCK!

Yvonne

Avatar for jlynna12
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-09-2003 - 1:58pm
Hi Julie, Welcome to the board, but I'm sorry you are so frustrated. You are right to be upset. I would be! Especially considering you had talked about this before you were married. I understand things chnage, but maybe you need to remind him of the conversations you used to have about when and how many. I like Yvonne's idea of telling him to pick the month. Gives them some control. I finally had to just sit my DH down and tell him that we needed to decide when, or I was going to go crazy. In January he finally agreed to a date....which has passed, but tha'ts another long story! haha. Anyway, I think you need to sit him down, explain how upset you are, and go from there. I do think it's unforunate that he is not wanting to for selfish reasons. But, is it better that he's honest rather than have a child and then have it come out? You can work through those feelings before you begin to try...

Best of Luck!

Jlynn (WTT #1, July or Aug 03 (I hope!))

 

           
Jlynn, Momma to Asher and Ada

Avatar for pitzerja
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-09-2003 - 2:06pm
Welcome to the WTT board! Sorry you are frustrated with your DH, I know the feeling very well. Given the facts that you guys clearly discussed this issue before you got married and that you set goals AND have met them, I think you have every right to be irritated with him. Have you laid it all out for him like you just did for us? I agree with the other ladies that you need to make sure he knows how you feel and that you are more than ready to start a family.

All that being said, I have a wonderful, but very selfish DH who adores our one and only child, but definitely feels like he can't do all the things he wants to do. He has gone back and forth on me a billion times about having a #2, I am still hopeful, LOL!

Good Luck and keep us posted,

JenP - WTT#2, Sept 2003 (maybe/maybe not)