New, caught btw TTC&WTT and very hurt...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2006
New, caught btw TTC&WTT and very hurt...
24
Sun, 07-13-2008 - 7:44pm

Hi everyone,


I've been hanging out lately at the TTCYFC board for a little over a month now, in preparation for TTC next month. However, because of financials, and DH thinking our situation to be more dire than it really is (he's a lawyer, we own a home, and I'm a grad student), we may be delaying until the spring of '09.


I'm sure I don't have to explain to you guys how much this breaks my heart. I've been trying to be so cautiously optimistic about TTC soon, and my worst fear is happening: Now that we are approaching our TTC date, DH is backpedaling. He is not without his points, his insurance is crappy, and once I graduate I'll have an MSW and can work for the state with awesome insurance. If we rely on his insurance we'll end up paying out of pocket anywhere from $2000-$6000 because of co-insurance and deductible. Also, he is very unhappy where he

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2006
Sun, 07-13-2008 - 8:49pm

Hi Jennifer,

I'm Cassie (30) and DH (33) and I plan to TTC our first child next spring.

I'm sure it was very difficult to prepare and build excitement for one TTC date, only to have it pushed ahead. I would be heartbroken to have my TTC date extended by 6 months or more.

I can relate to having a DH that is always worried about money. Sometimes I find it helps to actually sit down and look at the "nuts and bolts" of the finances together. Then we find out if he's being paranoid and needs to relax (or if he is right and I need to adjust my spending plans;).

Also, since you say you may want a large family, maybe you could talk to him about how many years it will actually take to make that happen, in relation to the number of years you will be fertile and/or feel equipped to care for young children. (KWIM?)

I hope I have not overstepped, but those are my 2 cents:).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2007
Sun, 07-13-2008 - 9:46pm

Hi Jennifer,


Emily

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2007
Sun, 07-13-2008 - 11:29pm

I agree that you should sit down with DH, look at the finances, and try to understand how things would change if you had a baby (especially considering the cost of you either not working or paying for daycare). If you think you can afford it, and that DH is just being super anxious, maybe you should sort of "try for an oops". LOL--I'm not a huge fan of deceiving one's DH but if your DH is sort of an anxious person, it might be easier for him to deal with something like a PGcy, that he can't change and doesn't have any control over, versus a situation in which you are actively TTCing and he has to deal with the reality and all the anxiety it gives him. Then again, if you were PG, he might feel obligated to stay at a job he hates, which isn't fair to him either.

I know it sucks and it's hard to wait, but sometimes it's for the best! If you really think everything would be okay, maybe an oops would be easier for DH to deal with than TTCing . . .

Good luck either way, and welcome if you decide to wait!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2008
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 7:08am

Hi Jennifer,


I'm so sorry for the position you are in.

-Suzie :)

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2006
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 10:20am

Hi Adrienne,


I'm pretty sure I've seen you on TTCYFC =)


I think you bring up a good point. I don't think DH would have all this angst and anxiety and back-and-forth if I just ended up PG. He'd be forced to be resourceful and use his coping skills to deal with the situation at hand. That's why I think planning to TTC can be such a double-edged sword. If the more anxious partner has to think too much about

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2007
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 10:43am

Hi Jennifer,

My name is Nicole(34), dh(36) and 3 daughters 16, 6 & 4.

My heart goes out to you as I know that it is so hard to wait when you so desperately want a child now! It does sound like waiting would make things a bit easier, however it doesn't take away the burning desire to have a child. It also is disappointing to have waited for the desired date to have it pushed back a year! My date was supposed to be this summer, however it looks like next summer now! I hope us ladies can make your waiting go a lot faster. You never know, things can turn around in your favor! Hope to get to know you better!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2008
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 11:00am

Hi!

I'm so sorry for what you are going through!! I know I would be very, very angry if we were so close to TTC and then the date got pushed back. I agree with the other ladies about making a list and seeing what is really feasible and if you can start TTC earlier then next spring.

I know that you can make having a baby work anytime but at the same time I think it will be much more fun if money isn't tight and I can go all out on the stroller I want,get the nice gym membership to the place that is only a few blocks from our flat and has a huge swimming pool and spa, etc- but I just like it when life is easy and I can spend money LOL.

I'm Ashley 22, engaged to Thomas 27, and we are waiting until summer of 2010. We are waiting because Thomas wants to be 30 by the time the baby is born, I need to finish my BA (should happen next summer), and I would like to work for a year before we have baby #1 and I am a SAHM.

I hope we help make your (hopefully short) wait much easier!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2007
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 11:43am

Okay, I know this is probably a pretty harsh answer, but I do not want to spare any words.

I think you are well within your rights to tell DH to suck it up and stop being so anxious.

Last April my fiance (now DH) and I discovered we were expecting. At the time, I was 20 years old and still working on my undergrad degree, and working at a pizza restaurant for min. wage. DH was working at a pretty dead end job that paid decently but definitely not great, and no health benefits. He was 22. We had limited savings and our wages were just about enough to pay for our bills each month.

A little over a year later, we have a beautiful 6 mo old son, we still have a roof over our heads, food on the table, I'm in grad school, and we have a LOT of love in our lives. Okay, so we don't have as much in savings as we'd like, and we may not be able to buy a house right away like we were hoping. HOWEVER, all of our basic needs are met, we are able to pay our bills, and we have an amazingly supportive family who babysit for us and who purchased many of our big-ticket baby items (crib, carseat, stroller). A lot of our son's clothes are from stores like Ross or found for steals on Craigslist, and we share things like bouncy seats/large toys with our friends whose babies have grown out of them.

I guess my point is.....if you wait until you're in the perfect financial situation to have kids, you'll probably never have them. A lottery winner could probably find a reason for not being ready financially to have kids. Waiting 6 more months doesn't seem like it's going to make much difference!

I'm sorry to sound so opinionated, I just feel that even an "oops" baby like mine can become the biggest blessing of a person's life, no matter their financial means.....your husband is a lawyer and you own a house, so you sound like you're in a pretty good situation to me! I hope you & your DH can get something figured out that you're both happy with :) Take care

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Marcus 18mo
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2008
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 11:53am

You sound just like me!



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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2006
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 12:09pm

I hear ya!


I completely and utterly agree with you. Not too much would be different between August and April...maybe DH would have a better idea of where he's at career-wise. Starting a business is daunting enough...having a PG wife is a lot of pressure...maybe the pressure he needs! =)


Seriously though, he knows it is our joint desire to try for a baby by next summer, no matter what. I wouldn't entertain pushing back a TTC date if I really thought that once we'd get there, he'd freak out again. He does want a family, that I do not doubt. I'd be honest about that with him and myself if those were the vibes I was getting. He's a lawyer and works for a small firm...I am not working right now, as I am in grad school full-time, in a very intensive program (5 classes plus 24 hours of field placement/week each semester, including this summer!). So while he makes a decent enough salary to support the both of us, he isn't raking it in by any means. A house, two car payments, and his $600/month student loan bill (yes,

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